Crying Husband

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A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing
from their bed.

In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound
downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband
in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he
replied.

"And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or
spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

"I would have been released today."

;D

I read this article that said typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much,
smoking too much,
impulse buying and
driving too fast.
Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day.
 
Skinny people piss me off!
Especially when they say things like:
"You know sometimes I forget to eat."
Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a sh!t.
 
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies.
Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go for a long cycle and some hard hill intervals?"
Clear as a bell my body said, "listen b!tch...do it and you die."
 
I know what Victoria's Secret is.
The secret is that no woman older than 30 can fit into their stuff.


"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"