Richard Longwoo
Union Cycliste Internationale (UCI) Buys The National Football League (NFL)
Aigle, Switzerland (30-January-2004)
The UCI today announced that they were apparently buying the NFL. UCI officials stated, "Football as
you know it is, like, so over!"
"Our quietly desperate bean counters have done a cost-benefit analysis or something," said the UCI
President, "And determined that, by removing gross inefficiencies from the game, we can more than
quadruple or octuple or even nonuple our initial investment, as a percentage of the European Union
GDP, or on an annualized per capita basis in 1953 dollars, if you know what I mean."
"For one thing, careful analysis reveals that there's this massive amount of energy released in
every game, but the way the rules are currently structured, 99% of this energy simply goes into
neutralizing itself -- with the net result being, like, ZERO."
According to the UCI, by changing a single rule, massive new never-before-thought-of profit streams
can be burst open -- like some downtown water main during rush hour. The UCI President said,
"Massive new never-before-thought-of profits streams can be burst open by just changing a single
rule, like an underground high-pressure EPO pipe explosion that bursts into the thirsty veins of all
UCI licensed professional and amateur riders like it's going out of style."
"The only rule we need to change, is the one about the way everybody runs down the field. So,
instead of having two teams running in opposite directions down the field, with each member of each
team trying to kick the
of that old-fashioned out-moded last year's tired lameass boring worthless
instead of that ****, we change the rule so that now BOTH teams run in the SAME direction down the
field. And since there's, now, no other team there to try and stop them, they just keep running down
the field... till they run out the door of the stadium and into the surrounding city, maybe even to
the local airport where they board a plane and fly to some random city, still running all the while,
so that when they get there or when they get out of the stadium and into their own local, you know,
city, now, instead of
lameass creepy tired game of football, now, they join together and beat the
hasn't blown ending the, you know, play, then, if they haven't already done so, they get on a plane,
you know, the plane they could have gotten on to begin with but because they had so much loyalty and
devotion to their home town or maybe it wasn't really their hometown, but rather the hometown of
their team, though, maybe it wasn't really the hometown of their team either, having only moved
there, uhh here, a few weeks ago, but what the
local good ole boy NASCAR loving townsfolk, though always within the rules of the game, never
roughing the kicker or engaging in pass interference or offsides or illegal procedure, or illegal
motion or even face mask violations."
The UCI also said they are very excited about the exciting, innovative, new "Bring your gun to the
Superbowl," promotion, which will begin airing today in time for Sunday's Super Bowl.
"We'll provide unlimited alcohol and crystal meth free of charge to anyone who displays a loaded
hand gun at the door. And, of course, there'll be free massive steroid overdoses for EVERYONE under
14 years of age, mentally -- so, for the first time, fans will be able to genuinely empathize with
the players, and so they'll be hopped up enough to be able to entertain themselves in the stands,
when the two teams rush off the field at the first play, to go out and massacre their friends and
neighbors nearby."
(This is not to be taken seriously. This is parody of parody itself.)
Aigle, Switzerland (30-January-2004)
The UCI today announced that they were apparently buying the NFL. UCI officials stated, "Football as
you know it is, like, so over!"
"Our quietly desperate bean counters have done a cost-benefit analysis or something," said the UCI
President, "And determined that, by removing gross inefficiencies from the game, we can more than
quadruple or octuple or even nonuple our initial investment, as a percentage of the European Union
GDP, or on an annualized per capita basis in 1953 dollars, if you know what I mean."
"For one thing, careful analysis reveals that there's this massive amount of energy released in
every game, but the way the rules are currently structured, 99% of this energy simply goes into
neutralizing itself -- with the net result being, like, ZERO."
According to the UCI, by changing a single rule, massive new never-before-thought-of profit streams
can be burst open -- like some downtown water main during rush hour. The UCI President said,
"Massive new never-before-thought-of profits streams can be burst open by just changing a single
rule, like an underground high-pressure EPO pipe explosion that bursts into the thirsty veins of all
UCI licensed professional and amateur riders like it's going out of style."
"The only rule we need to change, is the one about the way everybody runs down the field. So,
instead of having two teams running in opposite directions down the field, with each member of each
team trying to kick the
of that old-fashioned out-moded last year's tired lameass boring worthless
instead of that ****, we change the rule so that now BOTH teams run in the SAME direction down the
field. And since there's, now, no other team there to try and stop them, they just keep running down
the field... till they run out the door of the stadium and into the surrounding city, maybe even to
the local airport where they board a plane and fly to some random city, still running all the while,
so that when they get there or when they get out of the stadium and into their own local, you know,
city, now, instead of
lameass creepy tired game of football, now, they join together and beat the
hasn't blown ending the, you know, play, then, if they haven't already done so, they get on a plane,
you know, the plane they could have gotten on to begin with but because they had so much loyalty and
devotion to their home town or maybe it wasn't really their hometown, but rather the hometown of
their team, though, maybe it wasn't really the hometown of their team either, having only moved
there, uhh here, a few weeks ago, but what the
local good ole boy NASCAR loving townsfolk, though always within the rules of the game, never
roughing the kicker or engaging in pass interference or offsides or illegal procedure, or illegal
motion or even face mask violations."
The UCI also said they are very excited about the exciting, innovative, new "Bring your gun to the
Superbowl," promotion, which will begin airing today in time for Sunday's Super Bowl.
"We'll provide unlimited alcohol and crystal meth free of charge to anyone who displays a loaded
hand gun at the door. And, of course, there'll be free massive steroid overdoses for EVERYONE under
14 years of age, mentally -- so, for the first time, fans will be able to genuinely empathize with
the players, and so they'll be hopped up enough to be able to entertain themselves in the stands,
when the two teams rush off the field at the first play, to go out and massacre their friends and
neighbors nearby."
(This is not to be taken seriously. This is parody of parody itself.)
