The Holy Female

pobserver03

Not so much a joke as much as it is a parody

NOTICE TO ALL MEN EVERYWHERE
I have, as of recent time, had a revelation. A kind of epiphany of sorts that oulines the cycle of life as defined by women. I believe that there exists documents that only women are aware of and have access to. These documents are comparable to the Holy Grail. These documents do not necessarily hide information that could potentially jeopardize the power that the Church continues to exercise over billions of people. No, the documents I refer to are far more powerful and allow women to assert their stranglehold on billions of males everywhere, regardless of religious affiliation and some other things. The documents I am speaking of are what I call THE HOLY FEMALE!

I can not give you the specific location of the THE HOLY FEMALE or the complete details of the documents. I can not tell you what these documents look like, but they are probably stone tablets written in perfect sanskrit hidden in the basement of a Neiman Marcus or some beauty salon somewhere. The location probably changes every couple of weeks or so (just like their moods) and the contents are only passed on by word of mouth and are heavily guarded by the Junior League.

Every woman once they begin uttering words (sometime around 12 mo.s ,give or take 11 mo.s) is gradually granted access to the contents of THE HOLY FEMALE! It begins in early childhood. Little girls learn how to manipulate their male counterparts. They learn to cry or flirt to get what they want. As they grow older they attain greater knowledge and begin to travel in packs (ie cheerleading squads). This is about the time when they learn to apply this stuff called MAKE-UP. This is to make themselsves appear more attractive than they actually are therefore making themselves more appealing to the male species. This allows the female to further assert their power over the male.

Next in the cycle is The College Years (this does not mean the female has to actually go to college because if the plan is executed properly her prey, the male, will take care of her anyway). These are the years when women everywhere utilize their fashion sense to "dress to impress". Sex appeal is finally used as they have been cultivating this technique for quite some time. Some women are more powerful than others. They can consume a 12 pack of beer, Yaeger shots, and shooters. This women is usually easier to nail down but the ramifications are far greater (the male will be more curious of her motives and display traits of rebellion) than the next female. This female relies on intellect. This is a much more tricky endeavor but rewards this female with a far more safe male who will be more nurturing and tame. This period in the females life is a transition into the most precarious time in the cycle: THE ENGAGEMENT.

THE ENGAGEMENT begins with the exchaning of the rings. You give her the ring you have toiled over getting. It has to be a "diamond". Not just any "diamond". The # 1 rule when choosing the "diamond" is how much to spend. Some idiot somewhere decided a male should spend the equivalent of 2 months salary on this rock. This idiot ought to be shot, repeatedly! That said research is in order. You have to know about clarity, cut, imperfections. It is o.k. to cry. This is a trying and difficult task. (Note: you should pick out the least imperfect "diamond" as possible or this could be construed as how you view your future mate. Under no circumstance are you ever to call into question her beauty.) After settling for what you hope is the right "diamond" please make sure you pick the proper metal in which to set this "diamond". White gold will not pass for platinum. Once you have the ring you need to present this ring in spectacular fashion. On the beach at sunrise or sunset, a candle light dinner in an intimate setting, atop a mountain peak are acceptible ways to present (propose) the "diamond". Avoid putting the ring in a cake or glass of champagne unless you know how to heimlich. If all the planets are aligned during a solar eclipse the female will accept your offering and agree to continue her union with you.

Whenever I think about the word engage I picture the beginning of a battle (like animals engage in battle over the right to mate with the herds females). That said now is when a woman must pull together all the knowledge she has accumulated to lure the male into the all important and dreaded period known as THE ENGAGEMENT. This part of the cycle is the most important. The female must learn all she can about her lesser companion and give in to her preys desires for a brief time usually about a years time. (Notice to all men: now is the last time you will feel as if you have any control or say so on anything.) For a brief time the male will be able to enjoy guys night out, football, all mens clubs, guys night out. This is part of the females clever ruse to comfort the male, to make him feel as if he is in charge. ANOTHER NOTICE TO MEN: THIS IS NOT SO AND COULD NOT BE ANY FARTHER FROM REALITY! DO NOT THINK YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GET THOSE FOOTBALL TICKETS FOREVER!

THE ENGAGEMENT period is a glorious and peaceful time climaxing with a WEDDING. Males will not realize that during this glorious and peaceful time is when the female will sink her claws in. Bonding occurs. There will be walks on the beach, times cuddled on the couch watching movies with the lights turned off. People will commend and congratulate you on your recent good news. Other males will have high fives waiting for you and jokes about how you nailed down that girl you met in that bar doing a Yaeger shot. Of course this was all apart of the cycle according to the THE HOLY FEMALE.

Now the WEDDING needs to be planned. THE HOLY FEMALE is very specific about the WEDDING plans. Where will the ceremony take place, what kind of dress will she wear, what color will the the rest of the packs (aka bridesmaids) dresses be and what flowers will she want to coordinate with the dresses. A caterer has to be chosen (thats a company that provides the food for The Reception-more on this later), music options have to be explored, photographers, videographers and some other stuff I forgot. These are decisions you will be asked to participate in. Ultimately your input is simply not considered. Whatever the female decides is what will be. Her decisions and desires superecede yours by way of gender and is outlined with excruciating attention to detail in THE HOLY FEMALE.

Finally H-Day (Her-Day) arrives. Much to your amazement all the planning for the WEDDING has come together nicely. Every detail has been gone over, then gone over, then gone over, and over again. Even how many grains of rice (bird seed for those who think rice is bad for birds) are in each packet.

Meanwhile your mate is holed up in a remote location with the rest of her pack. You are not allowed to know this location or visit it if you should somehow find out. Either way it would not be wise to go to this location as it is guarded heavily by armed guards and snipers.

Finally the WEDDING has taken place you have exchanged rings.Yes you get one too this time. And now-off to the RECEPTION. You may think of this as a celebration. Au contrare mon frere. This is actually THE GRADUATION. All that the female has learned thus far has worked. Her reward is full access to the contents THE HOLY FEMALE!

The time now is just down time. Eventually most mates have offspring. This is when the cycle will once again begin churning. As a result of the females all access to
THE HOLY FEMALE she will help the next generation of females in their journey to fulfill their destiny: Total dominance and control over all males.

On a serious note: My wife and I have been married almost 3 years now. It is wonderful, it is beautiful, it is a gift we give to one another. Every day when you wake and every night when you go to bed you should thank the powers that be for each other and the time you have been given to be with each other. Incidentally, we planned our wedding so as not to conflict with football.

Remember to love one another and take care of each other always.