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  1. DOC69

    For the Gutterminded

    A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come...
  2. DOC69

    Blonde Revenge: Finally, A Brunette Joke!

    A brunette and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the brunette says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a...
  3. DOC69

    How To Take A Shower

    How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do...
  4. DOC69

    The Three C's

    COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal...
  5. DOC69

    The Mailman

    One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys...
  6. DOC69

    Why Athletes Don't Have Real Jobs

    [I won't vouch for the validity of the "quotes," but some of them are pretty funny...] WHY ATHLETES DON'T HAVE REAL JOBS Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." New Orleans Saint...
  7. DOC69

    World's Easiest Quiz

    1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what...
  8. DOC69

    Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic?

    A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands...
  9. DOC69

    Kids Say the Darndest Things

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10 (2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to...
  10. DOC69

    Actual Product Warnings

    "Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs. "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron. "Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron. "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer. "Do not use while sleeping."...
  11. DOC69

    That's My Girl!

    My Kind of Girl You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make! A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little...
  12. DOC69

    Another Vulgar Parrot Joke

    An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her shoulder...
  13. DOC69

    Corporate Truths

    Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give...
  14. DOC69

    Sad News

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person that almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was...
  15. DOC69

    The End is Near

    A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground, that reads, "The End Is Near ! Turn yourself around NOW --- Before It's Too Late !" As a car sped past them the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you bible-thumping, religious...
  16. DOC69

    The Executions

    Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last...
  17. DOC69

    Little Johnny & the UPS Guy

    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses...
  18. DOC69

    Finally, A Joke with No Profanity

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you...
  19. DOC69

    The Human Mind (Interesting!)

    "The Human Mind" I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deson't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat...
  20. DOC69

    You Know You're In California If...

    So as to not be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're in California if: 1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible, 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house, 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a...