A Confession regarding the identity of Fabrizio Mazzoleni

Discussion in 'Road Cycling' started by Ryan John Cousi, Apr 1, 2003.

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  1. Well, it's the perfect time to come clean.

    As some of you know, I have undergone quite a change of heart since entering this group about a
    year ago. I started out as a happy-go-lucky commuter on a bike with no name, and have ended up as a
    Pinarello-riding, race-winning, carbon-fork-using serious cyclist. More notably, I went from
    teasing Fabrizio Mazzoleni to self-appointed president of his fan club (membership: 2 and growing.
    Hi Claire!).

    David Reuteler went so far as to suggest that I might actually be Fabs, and threatened to do some
    text-analysis to prove the case.

    Well David, the text analysis would have proven nothing, as I did my Bachelor's degree in English,
    and have made an amateur study of text-style analysis in the intervening years. Indeed, run this
    particular paragraph through a text-analyzer, and it will tell you I'm William Faulkner! (No, I'm
    not really that good; I use the software myself for practice and fine-tuning).

    The truth, as David did guess without possibly having been able to prove it, is that I am Fabrizio
    Mazzoleni. The mask is off, I am both rbm's most lovable troll and rbm's most lovable troll's
    biggest fan. An uneasy relationship, but you have to love yourself before you can love others, no?

    In real life I really am Ryan Cousineau. The Pinarello, quite real. The UBC criterium, of course
    totally fake; the race hasn't even been run for two years. Nice Photoshop on the t-shirt, eh?
    The Trek OCLV fork I claim to have is also of course a put-up job. What kind of sacrilege would
    it be to replace a chrome Pinarello fork with a soulless carbon job, just to save 250 grams and
    avoid rusting?

    Now, back to the Fabrizio Mazzoleni persona. It's me, all me. The infamous "complaints page" was a
    snow job posted by a friend of mine (thanks, Ed!), and otherwise the whole Fabrizio Mazzoleni
    project has been a substantial put-up job, and one of several years duration.

    However, it's the Lenten season, time for good Italian boys like Fabrizio Mazzoleni to repent of
    wickedness and turn back to the side of good and decency, and so from now on I am retiring that
    persona. Future posts by me will be as Ryan Cousineau, and I will try to play as straight as honesty
    and decency require, notwithstanding the occasional straight line which must be sent up.

    But what even David didn't suspect is that I am actually several other people in this newsgroup as
    well, all linked by the common fact that I placed each persona in Greater Vancouver, Canada (c'mon,
    you didn't really believe that there could be so many Vancouverites among the active posters in
    this newsgroup and rbt, right?). So here's a short list of the people I played, all of which will
    also be retired:

    Benjamin Lewis (the .sfu domain should have been a dead giveaway) Tom Keats Zoot Katz (it's true, I
    was my own worst enemy. The tip-off should have been the made-up sport of "bicycle polo." A cursory
    google would have shown you this doesn't exist) Mike Latondresse (there is a real one, but for some
    reason he never objected to my impersonations)

    The rest of the Vancouverites, to the best of my knowledge, actually exist.

    However, I have also been instrumental in a few other recent shenanigans, and I might as well
    come clean:

    -in 1996, I wrote a novelized expose of the 1992 Bill Clinton presidential campaign. When the
    pressure to find "Anonymous" became too much, I asked Joe Klein to take credit and end the
    witch hunt

    -in 1972, I was a source for Bob Woodward, leading him to the key evidence of the Watergate
    break-in. I was actually a White House intern at the time, though I did lead Bob to believe
    otherwise. I feel really bad about that, but the substance of the story was true.

    -in 1971, using the name "Dan Cooper", I hijacked a Northwest Orient flight, and parachuted to
    freedom with $200,000. I would like to apologize to the passengers and crew, who in retrospect must
    have been completely scared out of their wits.

    -in 1920, my great-grandfather, "Frenchy" Cousineau, robbed a payroll with Nicola Sacco. In the
    ensuing mess, he ended up unintentionally framing Bartolomeo Vanzetti. Not really my fault, but I
    thought you'd like to know.

    So, I'm glad I got that off my chest, now.
    --
    Ryan Cousineau, [email protected], www.sfu.ca/~rcousine "Asian culture is ancient, and they
    know stuff we can't even imagine. During the Great War of 2087, Richmond might well be the
    place to be." -Douglas Coupland, _City of Glass: Douglas Coupland's Vancouver_
     
    Tags:


  2. Ryan John Cousineau wrote:

    > Well, it's the perfect time to come clean.

    Great post Ryan [Ben/Tom/Fab/Zoot].

    Happy "holiday"!

    SMH
     
  3. Joel Solomon

    Joel Solomon Guest

    Artfully done. You had me there, for a while.

    Joel Solomon
     
  4. Ryan John Cousineau <[email protected]> wrote:
    : -in 1971, using the name "Dan Cooper", I hijacked a Northwest Orient flight, and parachuted to
    : freedom with $200,000. I would like to apologize to the passengers and crew, who in retrospect
    : must have been completely scared out of their wits.

    my friend jen is an avid parachutist (hundreds of jumps, she's done couch freaks a few times, lots
    of other events). like most other skydivers she has been a huge fan of yours for years and would be
    greatly honoured to meet you the legendary D.B. Cooper!

    skydiving wearing only a suit and loafers into -7F. that's class!

    what'd ya do with the money?

    you sure duped the FBI, tho. their profile:
    http://www.super70s.com/Super70s/News/1971/November/images/FBI_81_DBCooper(180).jpg

    looks pitifully like you: http://www.cecm.sfu.ca/~rcousine/ryanAnimated.gif

    ha, they never even suspected they were looking for an infant!
    --
    david reuteler [email protected]
     
  5. Pete

    Pete Guest

    "Ryan John Cousineau" <[email protected]> wrote

    > The tip-off should have been the made-up sport of "bicycle polo." A cursory google would have
    shown
    > you this doesn't exist)

    Actually, there is. I watched a couple of matches(?) on TV while in Germany.

    Weird looking bikes. The seat back and on top of the rear wheel. Flick/dribble the ball with the
    front wheel.

    Pete
     
  6. "Ryan John Cousineau" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]...

    >
    > David Reuteler went so far as to suggest that I might actually be Fabs, and threatened to do some
    > text-analysis to prove the case.
    >

    One problem with your theory on who you really are, Fabrizio M. is currently in Belgium racing in
    the Driedaagse van De Panne-Koksijdeé, and what the heck is a stupid 'text-analysis'?
     
  7. Pete Hickey

    Pete Hickey Guest

    In article <[email protected]>, Ryan John Cousineau <[email protected]> wrote:

    >But what even David didn't suspect is that I am actually several other people in this
    >newsgroup as well,

    >Tom Keats

    Oh my god!!! You mean there ISN'T another freeBSD freak around here??!!???!!!

    >(c'mon, you didn't really believe that there could be so many Vancouverites among the active
    >posters in this newsgroup and rbt, right?).

    I don't think that is far fetched. Like they say, "shit happens."

    --
    --
    LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Did you know that 90% of North Americans cannot taste the difference between
    fried dog and fried cat?
     
  8. Fabrizio Mazzoleni <[email protected]> wrote:
    : and what the heck is a stupid 'text-analysis'?

    good question. furthermore i'm fairly certain that ryan is also me.
    --
    david reuteler [email protected]
     
  9. Pete <[email protected]> wrote:
    > "Ryan John Cousineau" <[email protected]> wrote

    > > The tip-off should have been the made-up sport of "bicycle polo." A cursory google would have
    > > shown you this doesn't exist)

    > Actually, there is. I watched a couple of matches(?) on TV while in Germany. Weird looking bikes.
    > The seat back and on top of the rear wheel. Flick/dribble the ball with the front wheel.

    That's something else. "Bicycle polo" is actually polo played with a bicycle - the participants ride
    horses and attempt to strike/fling an (unriddden) bicycle towards each other's goals, using an
    implement which is sort of an unholy combination of a polo mallet, lacrosse stick, and meathook. It
    is thought to be derived from an English manifestation of class-warfare - I believe from a club of
    polo horsemen which attempted to break up a factory workers' strike in Lower Meatpudding, Yorkshire.
    But, as Ryan pointed out, this sport doesn't actually exist.

    While we're on the subject of outing the BC contingent, I would like to confess that I am "Jon
    Isaacs," "Mark Hickey," that "Kevan" guy, and several of the other people who have been arguing
    about politics. It started with that "Sheldon Brown - Party Doll" thread; I'm really, really sorry,
    I just get carried away with these important issues sometimes.
     
  10. Kevan Smith

    Kevan Smith Guest

    On 02 Apr 2003 00:04:58 GMT, David Reuteler <[email protected]> from VISI.com wrote:

    >Fabrizio Mazzoleni <[email protected]> wrote:
    >: and what the heck is a stupid 'text-analysis'?
    >
    >good question. furthermore i'm fairly certain that ryan is also me.

    I am undisputedly one of a kind!

    Except for that other one.

    --
    http://home.sport.rr.com/cuthulu/ human rights = peace I just accepted provolone into my life.
    8:34:34 PM 1 April 2003
     
  11. Benjamin Weiner <[email protected]> wrote:
    : That's something else. "Bicycle polo" is actually polo played with a bicycle - the participants
    : ride horses and attempt to strike/fling an (unriddden) bicycle towards each other's goals, using
    : an implement which is sort of an unholy combination of a polo mallet, lacrosse stick, and
    : meathook. It is thought to be derived from an English manifestation of class-warfare - I believe
    : from a club of polo horsemen which attempted to break up a factory workers' strike in Lower
    : Meatpudding, Yorkshire. But, as Ryan pointed out, this sport doesn't actually exist.

    are you sure the bicycle is unridden? it would certainly add to the class- warfare (not to mention
    the sportsmanship and difficulty of play) if an appropriately chosen rider were selected.
    --
    david reuteler [email protected]
     
  12. In article <[email protected]>, David Reuteler <[email protected]> wrote:

    > Benjamin Weiner <[email protected]> wrote:
    > : That's something else. "Bicycle polo" is actually polo played with a bicycle - the participants
    > : ride horses and attempt to strike/fling an (unriddden) bicycle towards each other's goals, using
    > : an implement which is sort of an unholy combination of a polo mallet, lacrosse stick, and
    > : meathook. It is thought to be derived from an English manifestation of class-warfare - I believe
    > : from a club of polo horsemen which attempted to break up a factory workers' strike in Lower
    > : Meatpudding, Yorkshire. But, as Ryan pointed out, this sport doesn't actually exist.
    >
    > are you sure the bicycle is unridden? it would certainly add to the class- warfare (not to mention
    > the sportsmanship and difficulty of play) if an appropriately chosen rider were selected.

    But how do you keep the rider on the bike? There aren't seat belts for bicycles (yet). An untethered
    rider would tend to fall off or run away during play.
     
  13. Leonard Migliore <[email protected]> wrote:
    : But how do you keep the rider on the bike? There aren't seat belts for bicycles (yet). An
    : untethered rider would tend to fall off or run away during play.

    just like on breaking away: duct-tape and/or bolt their shoes to the pedals. possibly hands to the
    bars. when the horse comes they'll pedal. might be necessary to surround the field with a fence to
    keep them from riding off the field of play, tho.
    --
    david reuteler [email protected]
     
  14. [email protected] (Ryan John Cousineau) wrote in news:[email protected]:

    > Mike Latondresse (there is a real one, but for some reason he never objected to my impersonations)
    >
    No I just wondered why I was saying all that silly stuff that I couldn't remember posting....thanks
    for clearing that up.
     
  15. David Reuteler <[email protected]> wrote:
    > Benjamin Weiner <[email protected]> wrote:
    > : That's something else. "Bicycle polo" is actually polo played with a bicycle - the participants
    > : ride horses and attempt to strike/fling an (unriddden) bicycle towards each other's goals, using
    > : an implement which is sort of an unholy combination of a polo mallet, lacrosse stick, and
    > : meathook. It is thought to be derived from an English manifestation of class-warfare - I believe
    > : from a club of polo horsemen which attempted to break up a factory workers' strike in Lower
    > : Meatpudding, Yorkshire. But, as Ryan pointed out, this sport doesn't actually exist.

    > are you sure the bicycle is unridden? it would certainly add to the class- warfare (not to mention
    > the sportsmanship and difficulty of play) if an appropriately chosen rider were selected.

    Yes, but it's my understanding that the variant with a live rider was banned by Clement Attlee's
    postwar Labour government, as part of a larger programme of reforms. Apparently there are still some
    members of the House of Lords who are quite upset over this.
     
  16. Mark Hickey

    Mark Hickey Guest

    Kevan Smith <[email protected]/\/\> wrote:

    >On 02 Apr 2003 00:04:58 GMT, David Reuteler <[email protected]> from VISI.com wrote:
    >
    >>Fabrizio Mazzoleni <[email protected]> wrote:
    >>: and what the heck is a stupid 'text-analysis'?
    >>
    >>good question. furthermore i'm fairly certain that ryan is also me.
    >
    >I am undisputedly one of a kind!
    >
    >Except for that other one.

    I thought we were the same person. (now THAT is going to keep one or both of us - not that there's
    any difference - up at night for a while).

    Mark Hickey Habanero Cycles http://www.habcycles.com Home of the $695 ti frame
     
  17. Benjamin Weiner <[email protected]> wrote:
    : Apparently there are still some members of the House of Lords who are quite upset over this.

    why? had they been using labour party members in the games?
    --
    david reuteler [email protected]
     
  18. [email protected] (Ryan John Cousineau) wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
    > More notably, I went from teasing Fabrizio Mazzoleni to self-appointed president of his fan club
    > (membership: 2 and growing. Hi Claire!).

    shhhh! Or they'll figure out *I'm* Fabrizio!

    Warm Regards,

    Claire "Fabsulous" Petersky
     
  19. Mark Hickey

    Mark Hickey Guest

    [email protected] (Claire Petersky) wrote:

    >[email protected] (Ryan John Cousineau) wrote in message news:<[email protected]>...
    >> More notably, I went from teasing Fabrizio Mazzoleni to self-appointed president of his fan club
    >> (membership: 2 and growing. Hi Claire!).
    >
    >shhhh! Or they'll figure out *I'm* Fabrizio!
    >
    >Warm Regards,
    >
    >Claire "Fabsulous" Petersky

    *I* am Spartacu... errrr, Fabrizio!

    Mark Hickey Habanero Cycles http://www.habcycles.com Home of the $695 ti frame
     
  20. "Ryan John Cousineau" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]... also
    be retired:
    >
    > Benjamin Lewis (the .sfu domain should have been a dead giveaway) Tom Keats Zoot Katz (it's true,
    > I was my own worst enemy. The tip-off should have been the made-up sport of "bicycle polo." A
    > cursory google would have shown you this doesn't exist) Mike Latondresse (there is a real one, but
    > for some reason he never objected to my impersonations)
    >
    You even had me convinced for the whole day that you really were Fabrizio until I realized that you
    wrote that post on April 1st.

    Speaking of Zoot, where has he been lately? Ever since the good guys blew up Saddam Hussein two
    weeks ago there hasn't been a post from Zoot.
     
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