THE FIRST AFFAIR
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day,
their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where
they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,
They fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his
clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them
hrough the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!"
demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep
and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying [censored]!
You've been playing golf!!"
THE SECOND AFFAIR
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful
teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son
they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became
pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months
later.
The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He
went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of
that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave
her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
THE THIRD AFFAIR
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,
he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private
part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools
to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something
to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his
briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"
THE FOURTH AFFAIR
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent". "ONE CENT?"
exclaimed the man.
The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and
asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and
a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real
money." "How much money?" inquires the man.
4 cents" he replied. "FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the
guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says,
"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"
THE FIFTH AFFAIR
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale
lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said.
"Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice.
"I have something that I must confess." "There isn't anything to
confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to
sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."