M
Msa
Guest
But I hope you enjoy it!
INTERNAL MEMO
PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
Re: Staff Cuts
As our Company has had to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are requested to commit suicide.
This will substantially reduce the salary till. Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are
asked to assemble on the rooftop of the office. These arrangements win commence on alternate dates
beginning 05.08.01
Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the highest scorer will receive
enhanced death-in-service benefits.
This action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not affect your pension rights.
Participants are asked to avoid landing on company cars or other employees, as this costs more money
than is saved and may also cause death or injury to non-participants.
Non-participants are asked to take extreme care on days of action and to give every assistance to
the security staff employed to clear away the remains. Bodies will be thrown into skips at the
back of the office, so care must be taken not to place any non-combustible materials into these
skips on the two days leading up to the commencement of the days of action. All non-participants
observing the action are asked to make some form of movement to avoid being inadvertently thrown
into the skips.
Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until reaching the top floor,
after which it will be impossible for attending Health and Safety Officers to get into a
catching position.
The Company hopes to obtain a 50% reduction in staff through this scheme. Should the scheme become
over-subscribed, a waiting list will be introduced.
Practice sessions will take place on the day before. Suitable apparatus will be provided, i.e.
kerbs. This will ensure a 100% success rate on the day
As an afterthought will all participants please take with them a large plastic bag. It will greatly
assist the security staff and street sweepers etc. if participants are inside the bag as they jump.
Could you also ensure that these projected jumps are entered into your Outlook calendar showing
starting date, time, venue, etc.
No overtime will be given to any participants jumping outside their normal working hours.
--
Mark
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"
INTERNAL MEMO
PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
Re: Staff Cuts
As our Company has had to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are requested to commit suicide.
This will substantially reduce the salary till. Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are
asked to assemble on the rooftop of the office. These arrangements win commence on alternate dates
beginning 05.08.01
Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the highest scorer will receive
enhanced death-in-service benefits.
This action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not affect your pension rights.
Participants are asked to avoid landing on company cars or other employees, as this costs more money
than is saved and may also cause death or injury to non-participants.
Non-participants are asked to take extreme care on days of action and to give every assistance to
the security staff employed to clear away the remains. Bodies will be thrown into skips at the
back of the office, so care must be taken not to place any non-combustible materials into these
skips on the two days leading up to the commencement of the days of action. All non-participants
observing the action are asked to make some form of movement to avoid being inadvertently thrown
into the skips.
Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until reaching the top floor,
after which it will be impossible for attending Health and Safety Officers to get into a
catching position.
The Company hopes to obtain a 50% reduction in staff through this scheme. Should the scheme become
over-subscribed, a waiting list will be introduced.
Practice sessions will take place on the day before. Suitable apparatus will be provided, i.e.
kerbs. This will ensure a 100% success rate on the day
As an afterthought will all participants please take with them a large plastic bag. It will greatly
assist the security staff and street sweepers etc. if participants are inside the bag as they jump.
Could you also ensure that these projected jumps are entered into your Outlook calendar showing
starting date, time, venue, etc.
No overtime will be given to any participants jumping outside their normal working hours.
--
Mark
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"
