Completely OT

Discussion in 'UK and Europe' started by Msa, Jun 25, 2003.

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  1. Msa

    Msa Guest

    But I hope you enjoy it!

    INTERNAL MEMO

    PLEASE READ CAREFULLY

    Re: Staff Cuts

    As our Company has had to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are requested to commit suicide.
    This will substantially reduce the salary till. Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are
    asked to assemble on the rooftop of the office. These arrangements win commence on alternate dates
    beginning 05.08.01

    Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the highest scorer will receive
    enhanced death-in-service benefits.

    This action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not affect your pension rights.

    Participants are asked to avoid landing on company cars or other employees, as this costs more money
    than is saved and may also cause death or injury to non-participants.

    Non-participants are asked to take extreme care on days of action and to give every assistance to
    the security staff employed to clear away the remains. Bodies will be thrown into skips at the
    back of the office, so care must be taken not to place any non-combustible materials into these
    skips on the two days leading up to the commencement of the days of action. All non-participants
    observing the action are asked to make some form of movement to avoid being inadvertently thrown
    into the skips.

    Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until reaching the top floor,
    after which it will be impossible for attending Health and Safety Officers to get into a
    catching position.

    The Company hopes to obtain a 50% reduction in staff through this scheme. Should the scheme become
    over-subscribed, a waiting list will be introduced.

    Practice sessions will take place on the day before. Suitable apparatus will be provided, i.e.
    kerbs. This will ensure a 100% success rate on the day

    As an afterthought will all participants please take with them a large plastic bag. It will greatly
    assist the security staff and street sweepers etc. if participants are inside the bag as they jump.

    Could you also ensure that these projected jumps are entered into your Outlook calendar showing
    starting date, time, venue, etc.

    No overtime will be given to any participants jumping outside their normal working hours.

    --
    Mark

    "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"
     
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  2. Jim

    Jim Guest

    Many a true word...

    Rate we're going, they'll be bringing in legislation for such !

    "MSA" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]...
    > But I hope you enjoy it!
    >
    > INTERNAL MEMO
    >
    > PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
    >
    > Re: Staff Cuts
    >
    > As our Company has had to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are requested to commit
    > suicide. This will substantially reduce the salary
    till.
    > Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on
    the
    > rooftop of the office. These arrangements win commence on alternate dates beginning 05.08.01
    >
    > Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the
    highest
    > scorer will receive enhanced death-in-service benefits.
    >
    > This action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not affect your pension rights.
    >
    > Participants are asked to avoid landing on company cars or other
    employees,
    > as this costs more money than is saved and may also cause death or injury
    to
    > non-participants.
    >
    > Non-participants are asked to take extreme care on days of action and to give every assistance to
    > the security staff employed to clear away the remains. Bodies will be thrown into skips at the
    > back of the office, so care must be taken not to place any non-combustible materials into these
    > skips on the two days leading up to the commencement of the days of
    action.
    > All non-participants observing the action are asked to make some form of movement to avoid being
    > inadvertently thrown into the skips.
    >
    > Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until reaching the top floor, after
    > which it will be impossible for attending Health and Safety Officers to get into a catching
    > position.
    >
    > The Company hopes to obtain a 50% reduction in staff through this scheme. Should the scheme become
    > over-subscribed, a waiting list will be
    introduced.
    >
    > Practice sessions will take place on the day before. Suitable apparatus
    will
    > be provided, i.e. kerbs. This will ensure a 100% success rate on the day
    >
    > As an afterthought will all participants please take with them a large plastic bag. It will
    > greatly assist the security staff and street sweepers etc. if participants are inside the bag as
    > they jump.
    >
    > Could you also ensure that these projected jumps are entered into your Outlook calendar showing
    > starting date, time, venue, etc.
    >
    > No overtime will be given to any participants jumping outside their normal working hours.
    >
    >
    >
    > --
    > Mark
    >
    > "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak"
     
  3. Andyk

    Andyk Guest

    "MSA" wrote ...
    > But I hope you enjoy it!
    >
    > INTERNAL MEMO
    >
    > PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
    >
    > Re: Staff Cuts [snip spoof memo for fellow bandwidth sufferers]

    Very funny. That's going to work tomorrow :)
     
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