Cyclists' Haggadah

Discussion in 'Road Cycling' started by Claire Petersky, Apr 17, 2006.

  1. It's that time of the year...back by popular demand:

    The Cyclists' Haggadah

    All who are in need of spring training, come and ride with us.
    All who are hungry, come and partake of our carbohydrate-laden treats.

    [The bottle of cytomax is held up and the blessing is recited:]

    Blessed are You, our God, Universal Ruling Presence, who has created the
    fruit of the laboratory.

    The youngest rider asks:


    1. On all other rides, we eat all kinds of bars. On this ride, why do we
    only eat hard, unleavened Power Bars?
    2. On all other rides, we might consume a wide range of fruits. On this
    ride, why do we eat bananas?
    3. On all other rides, we might not dip our bananas even once in our gu. On
    this ride, why do we dip our bananas twice?
    4. On all other rides, we ride sitting up straight. On this ride, why do we
    ride in a reclining position on recumbents?


    The answer my children, may be found in the story of Passover.


    This is the power bar of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400 years
    ago.


    Many years ago, we were slaves to our automobiles, driving hither and
    thither, not knowing that a better way existed. If the Holy One, blessed be
    He, had not shown us the way of the bicycle, then we, our children and our
    children's children would have remained enslaved to motor vehicle. Even if
    all of us were wise, all of us understanding, all of us knowing the book of
    Effective Cycling, we would still be obligated to discuss the liberation
    through cycling; and everyone who discusses this liberation at length is
    praiseworthy.


    There are four types of children who ask questions on this ride: the wise
    one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.
    - What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand him
    either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
    - What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this ride to you?" Because he
    excludes himself from the community of cyclists, you must exclude him from
    your ride, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and
    a half for working on a holiday.
    - What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You will say
    to him, "This is a bike ride."
    - As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him
    up and say, "Next year, come to the bike ride on time!"


    These are the Ten Plagues which the Holy One, blessed be He, brought upon
    the motorists, namely as follows:


    [When saying the ten plagues, spill a drop of cytomax from the sports bottle
    itself ten times for each plague:]


    High gas prices
    Congestion
    Registration fees
    Pollution
    Pot holes
    Expensive parking
    Speeding tickets
    Sedendary lifestyle
    Obesity
    First-born getting a driver's licence


    How many levels of favors has the Eternal One bestowed upon us?


    If we would be wearing padded bike shorts, but not have clipless pedals, it
    would have been enough.
    If we would have clipless pedals, but not at least Shimano 105 components,
    it would have been enough.
    If we would be equipped with at least Shimano 105 components, but not a
    delicious post-ride dinner, it would have been enough.
    If we would been served a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have
    been enough.
    If we would eaten dessert, but not have a hangover from too much carousing,
    it would have been enough.


    (Pick up the cytomax and say:) Thus how much more so should we be grateful
    to the Eternal One for the doubled and redoubled goodness that He has
    bestowed upon us! We do wear padded bike shorts, we do have clipless
    pedals, and we do have at least Shimano 105 components (and some of us have
    Ultegra and even Campy Chorus, and many other wonders), and we did eat a
    delicious post-ride dinner, and we did get dessert, and now we pray that we
    do not get a hangover from too much carousing -- let us say, Amen!


    Thus it is our duty to thank, to laud, to praise, to glorify, to exalt, to
    adore, to bless, to elevate and to honor the One who did all these miracles
    for cyclists before us and for us. He took us from car-driving slavery to
    bicycling freedom, from steel-caged enclosed sorrow to the open road of joy,
    and from bondage to redemption.


    Blessed are You, our God, Universal Ruling Presence, who has redeemed us and
    redeemed our ancestors, and enabled us on this ride to eat power bars and
    bananas. So too, God, our God and God of our ancestors, enable us to attain
    other rides and cycling events that will come to us in peace with happiness,
    and with rejoicing in Your service.


    This year we watch the Tour De France in the living room, next year may we
    see it in person!


    (with a tip o' the hat to Akiva and Ilene Miller)


    --

    Warm Regards,


    Claire Petersky
    http://www.bicyclemeditations.org/
    See the books I've set free at: http://bookcrossing.com/referral/Cpetersky
     
    Tags:


  2. Claire Petersky wrote:
    > It's that time of the year...back by popular demand:
    >
    > The Cyclists' Haggadah


    hahah..... i remember that from last year.Oy....maybe power bars should
    come in the flavor of Chocolate COated Orange Peel.
     
  3. John Calnan

    John Calnan Guest

    Claire Petersky wrote:
    >
    >
    > If we would be wearing padded bike shorts, but not have clipless pedals, it
    > would have been enough.
    >

    Is it a sin to stare at the bike shorts of thy neighbor's wife when not
    drafting?

    --
    John Calnan
    http://www.calnan-web.com/weblog
     
  4. Road Man

    Road Man Guest

    "Claire Petersky" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > "John Calnan" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    > news:[email protected]
    >
    >> Is it a sin to stare at the bike shorts of thy neighbor's wife when
    >> not drafting?

    >
    >
    > I think the whole "committing adultry in the heart" is a Christian
    > innovation.
    >
    >
    > --
    > Warm Regards,
    >
    > Claire Petersky
    > http://www.bicyclemeditations.org/
    > See the books I've set free at:
    > http://bookcrossing.com/referral/Cpetersky
    >
     
  5. Road Man

    Road Man Guest

    Dear Claire,

    I forgot this from last year! It's not just charming, it's a
    tremendous digest of the Haggadah! You are truly a writer of talent.

    But being a Jew I must take issue with one thing - use of Effective
    Cycling as a surrogate Torah. As much as I respect what John Forester
    has accomplished, and recognizing the overall wisdom he has provided,
    I think it is inadequate. It is not enough for the cyclist to simply
    follow the traffic laws and to expect automobile drivers to do the
    same.

    Problem is, drivers do not do the same, and will not. An example:
    several Saturdays back I went out on the Ann Arbor traditional morning
    ride to Dexter (using the Amidah as a pedalling mantra). One of the
    leaders (certified by the Ann Arbor Police) surprised my by changing
    lanes into the left lane perhaps 1000 feet from an intended left turn,
    giving hand signals. A driver in a big old Suburban was behind and
    gaining quickly, 40 mph v. 15 mph. The SUV slowed to the cyclist's
    pace and sat behind her in the lane, staring at her and gesturing in
    surprise and confusion. The driver's best choice was probably to move
    to the right and pass her with adequate clearance, but he seemed
    pre-occupied by her maneuver. Meanwhile other motor vehicles were
    approaching from the rear, and the right lane was soon occupied with
    other car traffic, not to speak of we few other cyclists who had been
    with her.

    Point is, while her move was legal and in accordance with traffic laws
    and with Foresterism, it caused problems. I think the reason is that
    the cyclist did something that most drivers would think is crazy and
    did not expect. Because of the development of the situation, we other
    cyclists lost our opportunity to join her maneuver, leaving several
    bikes on one side and one bike seemingly in trouble on the other.

    Driver expectations must always be considered along with cyclist
    rights and rights of way. The bottom line in any physical traffic
    conflict is that the unprotected road user must exercise
    self-protection, combined with a warrior's vigilance. Sometimes this
    might mean we choose not to perform maneuvers that are legal. There's
    really nothing wrong with accomplishing left turns by using
    cross-walks at intersections, rather than left-turn lanes. Drivers
    understand signalled intersections, for the most part.

    Sorry for the long digression, I don't mean to detract from your
    charming piece.

    Perhaps there should be a "Cycling Talmud," in which the practical
    exigencies of the Written Law are discussed in light of situations of
    the day.

    Thanks again,

    Ken Freeman

    "Claire Petersky" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > It's that time of the year...back by popular demand:
    >
    > The Cyclists' Haggadah
    >
    > All who are in need of spring training, come and ride with us.
    > All who are hungry, come and partake of our carbohydrate-laden
    > treats.
    >
    > [The bottle of cytomax is held up and the blessing is recited:]
    >
    > Blessed are You, our God, Universal Ruling Presence, who has created
    > the fruit of the laboratory.
    >
    > The youngest rider asks:
    >
    >
    > 1. On all other rides, we eat all kinds of bars. On this ride, why
    > do we only eat hard, unleavened Power Bars?
    > 2. On all other rides, we might consume a wide range of fruits. On
    > this ride, why do we eat bananas?
    > 3. On all other rides, we might not dip our bananas even once in our
    > gu. On this ride, why do we dip our bananas twice?
    > 4. On all other rides, we ride sitting up straight. On this ride,
    > why do we ride in a reclining position on recumbents?
    >
    >
    > The answer my children, may be found in the story of Passover.
    >
    >
    > This is the power bar of our affliction, which our ancestors baked
    > 400 years ago.
    >
    >
    > Many years ago, we were slaves to our automobiles, driving hither
    > and thither, not knowing that a better way existed. If the Holy
    > One, blessed be
    > He, had not shown us the way of the bicycle, then we, our children
    > and our children's children would have remained enslaved to motor
    > vehicle. Even if
    > all of us were wise, all of us understanding, all of us knowing the
    > book of Effective Cycling, we would still be obligated to discuss
    > the liberation
    > through cycling; and everyone who discusses this liberation at
    > length is praiseworthy.
    >
    >
    > There are four types of children who ask questions on this ride: the
    > wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know
    > to ask.
    > - What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand
    > him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
    > - What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this ride to you?"
    > Because he excludes himself from the community of cyclists, you must
    > exclude him from
    > your ride, and he will go back to his employer and get paid
    > double-time and a half for working on a holiday.
    > - What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You
    > will say to him, "This is a bike ride."
    > - As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room,
    > wake him up and say, "Next year, come to the bike ride on time!"
    >
    >
    > These are the Ten Plagues which the Holy One, blessed be He, brought
    > upon the motorists, namely as follows:
    >
    >
    > [When saying the ten plagues, spill a drop of cytomax from the
    > sports bottle itself ten times for each plague:]
    >
    >
    > High gas prices
    > Congestion
    > Registration fees
    > Pollution
    > Pot holes
    > Expensive parking
    > Speeding tickets
    > Sedendary lifestyle
    > Obesity
    > First-born getting a driver's licence
    >
    >
    > How many levels of favors has the Eternal One bestowed upon us?
    >
    >
    > If we would be wearing padded bike shorts, but not have clipless
    > pedals, it would have been enough.
    > If we would have clipless pedals, but not at least Shimano 105
    > components, it would have been enough.
    > If we would be equipped with at least Shimano 105 components, but
    > not a delicious post-ride dinner, it would have been enough.
    > If we would been served a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would
    > have been enough.
    > If we would eaten dessert, but not have a hangover from too much
    > carousing, it would have been enough.
    >
    >
    > (Pick up the cytomax and say:) Thus how much more so should we be
    > grateful to the Eternal One for the doubled and redoubled goodness
    > that He has
    > bestowed upon us! We do wear padded bike shorts, we do have
    > clipless pedals, and we do have at least Shimano 105 components (and
    > some of us have
    > Ultegra and even Campy Chorus, and many other wonders), and we did
    > eat a delicious post-ride dinner, and we did get dessert, and now we
    > pray that we
    > do not get a hangover from too much carousing -- let us say, Amen!
    >
    >
    > Thus it is our duty to thank, to laud, to praise, to glorify, to
    > exalt, to adore, to bless, to elevate and to honor the One who did
    > all these miracles
    > for cyclists before us and for us. He took us from car-driving
    > slavery to bicycling freedom, from steel-caged enclosed sorrow to
    > the open road of joy,
    > and from bondage to redemption.
    >
    >
    > Blessed are You, our God, Universal Ruling Presence, who has
    > redeemed us and redeemed our ancestors, and enabled us on this ride
    > to eat power bars and
    > bananas. So too, God, our God and God of our ancestors, enable us to
    > attain other rides and cycling events that will come to us in peace
    > with happiness,
    > and with rejoicing in Your service.
    >
    >
    > This year we watch the Tour De France in the living room, next year
    > may we see it in person!
    >
    >
    > (with a tip o' the hat to Akiva and Ilene Miller)
    >
    >
    > --
    >
    > Warm Regards,
    >
    >
    > Claire Petersky
    > http://www.bicyclemeditations.org/
    > See the books I've set free at:
    > http://bookcrossing.com/referral/Cpetersky
    >
     
  6. Roy Zipris

    Roy Zipris Guest

    Enjoy your ride. That is the whole of the law; all the rest is
    commentary. Regards, Roy Zipris
     
  7. dgk

    dgk Guest

    On Mon, 17 Apr 2006 14:39:37 GMT, "Claire Petersky"
    <[email protected]> wrote:

    >It's that time of the year...back by popular demand:
    >
    >The Cyclists' Haggadah


    Thanks, that was cute.
     
  8. Road Man

    Road Man Guest

    Rabbi Hillel, right?
    "Roy Zipris" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > Enjoy your ride. That is the whole of the law; all the rest is
    > commentary. Regards, Roy Zipris
    >
     
  9. Leo Lichtman

    Leo Lichtman Guest

    "Road Man" wrote: (clip) Driver expectations must always be considered
    along with cyclist rights and rights of way. (clip)
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    I have always felt a little uncomfortable with the hard-core attitude of
    many cyclists about "rights." For me, your statement sums it up best.

    BTW, the principle applies as well whether you are riding, driving or
    walking.
     
  10. actually, this brings me to another bit of hebonics... that cycling is
    the new shvitz. Instead of doing the old 'going to the Y and having a
    shvitz in the sauna', now a 'shvitz' is going for a ride on a warm day.
    It's particularly apt when you see the retired guys on their Colnagos
    all going out for rides together. IT's become sort of a catchphrase
    with me and my riding pals. "Hey Bernie, let's all go for a shvitz!"
     
  11. Roy Zipris

    Roy Zipris Guest

    Road Man: Rabbi Hillel, right?

    RZ: Yes, but it could also be Zoot.
     
  12. Roy Zipris

    Roy Zipris Guest

    BTW, Claire, we did indeed have matzo as our rest stop repast on this
    past Saturday's ride. Everyone claimed to be the youngest rider,
    however. Except me--I'd rather be the patriarch.
    Regards, Roy Zipris
     
  13. Werehatrack

    Werehatrack Guest

    On Tue, 18 Apr 2006 05:41:54 -0400, "Road Man"
    <[email protected]> wrote:

    >Perhaps there should be a "Cycling Talmud," in which the practical
    >exigencies of the Written Law are discussed in light of situations of
    >the day.


    You're the scholar, you start.


    --
    Typoes are a feature, not a bug.
    Some gardening required to reply via email.
    Words processed in a facility that contains nuts.
     
  14. Road Man

    Road Man Guest

    How do you set up a "children's table" when out on a bike ride?

    "Roy Zipris" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > BTW, Claire, we did indeed have matzo as our rest stop repast on
    > this
    > past Saturday's ride. Everyone claimed to be the youngest rider,
    > however. Except me--I'd rather be the patriarch.
    > Regards, Roy Zipris
    >
     
  15. Road Man

    Road Man Guest

    Thanks! There's a recent bikie book that discusses this in some
    depth, "The Art of Urban Cycling" by Robert Hurst.

    The principle came back to me in my current work. I design automotive
    systems that would detect objects (mainly other vehicles) around the
    car and generate driver information that would beneficially supplement
    the driver's input based on the senses. One of the major problems is
    that the set of drivers is the general population, and one cannot
    expect to train the general population to respond appropriately to
    in-vehicle signals.

    Similarly with bikes. If drivers aren't used to dealing with cyclists
    exposing themselves to traffic by making car-like maneuvers, we can't
    expect them to respond in ways that are safe to us. We need to
    consider carefully when making such a moves.

    Ken Freeman

    "Leo Lichtman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    >
    > "Road Man" wrote: (clip) Driver expectations must always be
    > considered along with cyclist rights and rights of way. (clip)
    > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    > I have always felt a little uncomfortable with the hard-core
    > attitude of many cyclists about "rights." For me, your statement
    > sums it up best.
    >
    > BTW, the principle applies as well whether you are riding, driving
    > or walking.
    >
     
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