Did Natural Health Cure My Infected Jaw/cheek?

  • Thread starter Mr-Natural-Health
  • Start date



Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
> 2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
> dealing with a waste product here.

That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
people who know what they are doing. :(

Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me. Of
course, if it comes back any time soon ...
 
Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
> Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
>
>>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
>>dealing with a waste product here.
>
>
> That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
> people who know what they are doing. :(
>
> Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
> other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.

It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
might add).

> Of course, if it comes back any time soon ...

Why, that would mean you haven't treated it 'holistically'. You only
removed the symptoms, not the underlying cause. You practised eeeevil
allopathic medicine then!
 
JohnDoe wrote:
> Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
> > Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
> >
> >>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
> >>dealing with a waste product here.
> >
> >
> > That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
> > people who know what they are doing. :(
> >
> > Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
> > other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
>
> It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
> picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
> So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
> dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
> as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
> health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
> might add).

Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
always backed up what I say with scientific references, and if you read
my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.

PeterB
 
PeterB wrote:
> JohnDoe wrote:
> > Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
> > > Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
> > >
> > >>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
> > >>dealing with a waste product here.
> > >
> > >
> > > That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
> > > people who know what they are doing. :(
> > >
> > > Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
> > > other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
> >
> > It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
> > picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
> > So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
> > dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
> > as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
> > health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
> > might add).
>
> Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
> to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
> cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
> always backed up what I say with scientific references, and if you read
> my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
> claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
> the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.
>
> PeterB

You guys will go to any length to avoid admitting that vitamin C was
"the correct" cure in this particular instance. The association
between what you wrote and vitamin C is all over the place. All you
have to do is look. :()

I provided one abstract and the full text of a 1980 research study to
support my mine. I suggest that you might try keeping up with the
literature.

You have my condolences. :()
 
PeterB wrote:

> JohnDoe wrote:
>
>>Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
>>
>>>Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
>>>
>>>
>>>>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
>>>>dealing with a waste product here.
>>>
>>>
>>>That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
>>>people who know what they are doing. :(
>>>
>>>Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
>>>other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
>>
>>It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
>>picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
>>So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
>>dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
>>as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
>>health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
>>might add).
>
>
> Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
> to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
> cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
> always backed up what I say with scientific references,

Oh puhleaze. You don't even accept the scientific definitions of
'cancer' and 'cure'. With that in mind, it is simply not possible that
any science backs up any of your claims.

> and if you read
> my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
> claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
> the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.
>
> PeterB
 
Mr-Natural-Health wrote:

> PeterB wrote:
>
>>JohnDoe wrote:
>>
>>>Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
>>>
>>>>Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
>>>>>dealing with a waste product here.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
>>>>people who know what they are doing. :(
>>>>
>>>>Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
>>>>other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
>>>
>>>It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
>>>picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
>>>So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
>>>dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
>>>as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
>>>health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
>>>might add).
>>
>>Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
>>to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
>>cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
>>always backed up what I say with scientific references, and if you read
>>my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
>>claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
>>the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.
>>
>>PeterB
>
>
> You guys will go to any length to avoid admitting that vitamin C was
> "the correct" cure in this particular instance.

'Us guys' have said from day one that anecdotes aren't evidence. That's
all you have here, an anecdote.

> The association between what you wrote and vitamin C is all over the place. All you
> have to do is look. :()

?????
Try to make some sense at least.

> I provided one abstract and the full text of a 1980 research study to
> support my mine. I suggest that you might try keeping up with the
> literature.

I'm sorry? You're proudly announcing that all you have is a text from
*1980* (!) and then you tell me/us to keep up with the literature?
Priceless! You should try a career as a comedian.

> You have my condolences. :()

Ah, there is some of that old MrNaturalhealth coming back. Still a long
way to go back to the guy who insisted he was impervious to any and all
infections because of his perfect health and nutritional status though.
 
JohnDoe wrote:
> PeterB wrote:
>
> > JohnDoe wrote:
> >
> >>Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
> >>
> >>>Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
> >>>>dealing with a waste product here.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
> >>>people who know what they are doing. :(
> >>>
> >>>Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
> >>>other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
> >>
> >>It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
> >>picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
> >>So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
> >>dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
> >>as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
> >>health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
> >>might add).
> >
> >
> > Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
> > to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
> > cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
> > always backed up what I say with scientific references,
>
> Oh puhleaze. You don't even accept the scientific definitions of
> 'cancer' and 'cure'. With that in mind, it is simply not possible that
> any science backs up any of your claims.

Bless; he's counting Rath's site as a scientific reference.

>
> > and if you read
> > my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
> > claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
> > the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.
> >
> > PeterB
 
JohnDoe wrote:
> PeterB wrote:
>
> > JohnDoe wrote:
> >
> >>Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
> >>
> >>>Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
> >>>>dealing with a waste product here.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
> >>>people who know what they are doing. :(
> >>>
> >>>Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
> >>>other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
> >>
> >>It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
> >>picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
> >>So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
> >>dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
> >>as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
> >>health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
> >>might add).
> >
> >
> > Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
> > to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
> > cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
> > always backed up what I say with scientific references,
>
> Oh puhleaze. You don't even accept the scientific definitions of
> 'cancer' and 'cure'. With that in mind, it is simply not possible that
> any science backs up any of your claims.

And he refers to whale.to as a scientific reference! (As when he came
up with this unverifiable pile of **** by an unfindable "researcher":

http://www.whale.to/vaccines/measles3.html)

>
> > and if you read
> > my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
> > claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
> > the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.
> >
> > PeterB
 
cathyb wrote:

> JohnDoe wrote:
>
>>PeterB wrote:
>>
>>
>>>JohnDoe wrote:
>>>
>>>
>>>>Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
>>>>>>dealing with a waste product here.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
>>>>>people who know what they are doing. :(
>>>>>
>>>>>Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
>>>>>other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
>>>>
>>>>It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
>>>>picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
>>>>So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
>>>>dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
>>>>as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
>>>>health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
>>>>might add).
>>>
>>>
>>>Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
>>>to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
>>>cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
>>>always backed up what I say with scientific references,
>>
>>Oh puhleaze. You don't even accept the scientific definitions of
>>'cancer' and 'cure'. With that in mind, it is simply not possible that
>>any science backs up any of your claims.
>
>
> And he refers to whale.to as a scientific reference! (As when he came
> up with this unverifiable pile of **** by an unfindable "researcher":
>
> http://www.whale.to/vaccines/measles3.html)

You're right, I forgot that he also has his own definition of 'science'.
Maybe he is related to Michael Behe!

>>>and if you read
>>>my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
>>>claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
>>>the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.
>>>
>>>PeterB
>
>
 
Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
> PeterB wrote:
> > JohnDoe wrote:
> > > Mr-Natural-Health wrote:
> > > > Mark & Steven Bornfeld wrote
> > > >
> > > >>2) It is properly called salivary SECRETION, not EXCRETION--we are not
> > > >>dealing with a waste product here.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > That was a cut & paste from the abstract that was supposedly written by
> > > > people who know what they are doing. :(
> > > >
> > > > Perhaps the vitamin C merely unblocked the blockage? Until I hear
> > > > other wise, that is the physical mechanism of what happened to me.
> > >
> > > It was nano-gnomes. For sure. With their little nano-pickaxes, they
> > > picked and axed all day long and 'unblocked the blockage'.
> > > So, there you have it, you heard otherwise now. And I wouldn't simply
> > > dismiss this 'physical mechanism' of what happened since it has at least
> > > as much evidence going for it as your own claims regarding 'natural
> > > health' do (and even more evidence for it then most of PeterB's claims I
> > > might add).
> >
> > Actually, Mr. N applied an intervention, then got well. That appears
> > to be all the evidence you and your team need to promote vaccine,
> > cancer drugs, and other unproven "medicine." As for evidence, I've
> > always backed up what I say with scientific references, and if you read
> > my response in this thread, you'll see I haven't made unsubstantiated
> > claims about the short-term effects of supplements. Anyway, thanks for
> > the monkey dance....mha can always use a laugh.
> >
> > PeterB
>
> You guys will go to any length to avoid admitting that vitamin C was
> "the correct" cure in this particular instance. The association
> between what you wrote and vitamin C is all over the place. All you
> have to do is look. :()

If you read what I wrote, you'll understand that I'm not refuting your
experience. The one thing our resident pharma bloggers say that's true
is that most acute conditions are self limiting, ie., they subside "on
their own" with or without treatment. Of course, what they overlook is
that nothing happens in human health without nutrients, and your
condition would be no excpetion. That doesn't mean your condition
would not have resolved using your existing store of nutrients even
without additional vitamins.

> I provided one abstract and the full text of a 1980 research study to
> support my mine. I suggest that you might try keeping up with the
> literature.
>
> You have my condolences. :()
 
Actually, your story sounds entirely plausible. Salivary gland backs
up and gets painful, you take something that stimulates salivary
secretion (vit C), and blow the blockage out of the way.

Works for me.

Mark, MD
 
JohnDoe wrote:

> Oh puhleaze. You don't even accept the scientific definitions of
> 'cancer' and 'cure'. With that in mind, it is simply not possible that
> any science backs up any of your claims.

Ah! The classic negative attitude of a scientist in action.

Ha, ... Hah, Ha!

You are just plain negative and nasty. :)

You have the personality of a constipated warthog.

You are a Benjamin Rush of the new millennium. :(
http://pages.hosting.domaindirect.com/naturalhealthperspective.com/tu...

"Benjamin Rush (1745-1813) was a member of the Continental Congress, a
signer of the Declaration of Independence, a combater of yellow fever,
the founder of psychiatry in America, and an obstinate believer in
miasmas and bloodletting. Rush was arguably the most famous and
influential American doctor of his time. He is, also, the classic
example of everything that is wrong with allopaths."

"Some allopaths, like Rush, used science, but none of them used the
scientific method in their practices."

Sorry to inform you, but YOU are NOT:
1. Practicing the scientific method, now.
2. Furthering the noble cause of the scientific method, now.

Anybody can claim to believe in science, but that is not what counts.
Nor, has it ever counted.

Only the scientific method counts, and you dear fool are NOT presently
engaging in the scientific method in any shape, way, or form.

What you are presently doing is engaging in slime-bucket tactics, that
actually mocks the high road of the scientific method.

What drugs are you on?

Perhaps, if you were to concentrate?

The topic of this thread is: "Did Vitamin C cure my Nonneoplastic
disorder of the parotid gland?"

Cancer is Off-Topic, ****!

Just thought that the mental moron might want to know.

If my cured condition does NOT return within one week, I win this
contest hands down. So far, it looks like YOU SCIENCE ARSES are
losing big time.

Why am I NOT surprised?

Got an ailment? When in doubt take vitamin C. It just might cure you.
:)
 
PeterB wrote:

> That doesn't mean your condition
> would not have resolved using your existing store of nutrients even
> without additional vitamins.

Maybe you wait patiently doing absolutely nothing, but I do NOT.

Just thought that you might want to know, if a car tries to run you
over you should get out of the way. But, of course if you simply
pretend that the car is NOT in front of you, it doesn't mean that it
wouldn't have avoided you anyhow. Does it, Dumb Dumb?
 
Mark wrote:
> Actually, your story sounds entirely plausible. Salivary gland backs
> up and gets painful, you take something that stimulates salivary
> secretion (vit C), and blow the blockage out of the way.
>
> Works for me.
>
> Mark, MD

Precisely!
 
[email protected] wrote:
> PeterB wrote:
>
> > That doesn't mean your condition
> > would not have resolved using your existing store of nutrients even
> > without additional vitamins.
>
> Maybe you wait patiently doing absolutely nothing, but I do NOT.
>
> Just thought that you might want to know, if a car tries to run you
> over you should get out of the way. But, of course if you simply
> pretend that the car is NOT in front of you, it doesn't mean that it
> wouldn't have avoided you anyhow. Does it, Dumb Dumb?

Belive it or not, I'm on your side. I also take vitamin c on a daily
basis, and if I get the sniffles, I take more. It's not a question of
taking action, it's a question of how quickly a nutraceutical approach
alleviates symptoms. In terms of managing symptoms, synthetic drugs
give a nearly immediate effect, but they don't promote healing. In
terms of improving nutritional stores, nutrients give a nearly
immediate effect (and promote healing) but are slow to alleviate
symptoms. It depends on the condition. Every illness responds
differently to nutrient therapy because each one represents a different
set of metabolic errors. We choose from a variety of nutrients based
on our knowledge of their effects and benefits. If you have a cold,
you may choose to take echinacea, for instance. But do you choose the
purpea or the angustafolia species? What about selenium. Which form
do you take? The same question applies to vitamins A, D, E, and so on.
During a bout with influenza (or even a cold), I choose N-acetyl
cysteine over echinacea because NAC increases white blood cell
production in real time and reduces both the length of illness and odds
for upper respiratory infection. If the vitamin c did reduce your
inflammation or remove a blockage in real time, I'm all for it.

PeterB
 
[email protected] wrote:
> PeterB wrote:
>
> > That doesn't mean your condition
> > would not have resolved using your existing store of nutrients even
> > without additional vitamins.
>
> Maybe you wait patiently doing absolutely nothing, but I do NOT.
>
> Just thought that you might want to know, if a car tries to run you
> over you should get out of the way. But, of course if you simply
> pretend that the car is NOT in front of you, it doesn't mean that it
> wouldn't have avoided you anyhow. Does it, Dumb Dumb?

Believe it or not, I'm on your side. I also take vitamin c during a
cold, but I do this because I know the body expends more vitamin c
during illness, not because I expect to have immediate alleviation of
symptoms using this particular nutrient. It's not simply a question of
taking action, it's a question of knowing which nutrients provide the
desired effect, whether that effect is long-term, or short-term.
During a bout with influenza, for instance, I choose to take N-acetyl
cysteine over echinacea, because it raises white blood cell production
and reduces the risk of respiratory infection, and shortens the length
of the illness. If vitamin c was helpful in your particular case, I'm
all for it.

PeterB
 
"PeterB" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> [email protected] wrote:
>> PeterB wrote:
>>
>> > That doesn't mean your condition
>> > would not have resolved using your existing store of nutrients even
>> > without additional vitamins.
>>
>> Maybe you wait patiently doing absolutely nothing, but I do NOT.
>>
>> Just thought that you might want to know, if a car tries to run you
>> over you should get out of the way. But, of course if you simply
>> pretend that the car is NOT in front of you, it doesn't mean that it
>> wouldn't have avoided you anyhow. Does it, Dumb Dumb?
>
> Believe it or not, I'm on your side. I also take vitamin c during a
> cold, but I do this because I know the body expends more vitamin c
> during illness, not because I expect to have immediate alleviation of
> symptoms using this particular nutrient. It's not simply a question of
> taking action, it's a question of knowing which nutrients provide the
> desired effect, whether that effect is long-term, or short-term.
> During a bout with influenza, for instance, I choose to take N-acetyl
> cysteine over echinacea, because it raises white blood cell production
> and reduces the risk of respiratory infection, and shortens the length
> of the illness. If vitamin c was helpful in your particular case, I'm
> all for it.

I thought that with your perfect state of health and superior immune system
you never got influenza. Look out when the next pandemic hits.
--


--Rich

Recommended websites:

http://www.ratbags.com/rsoles
http://www.acahf.org.au
http://www.quackwatch.org/
http://www.skeptic.com/
http://www.csicop.org/
 
Rich wrote:
> "PeterB" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> >
> > [email protected] wrote:
> >> PeterB wrote:
> >>
> >> > That doesn't mean your condition
> >> > would not have resolved using your existing store of nutrients even
> >> > without additional vitamins.
> >>
> >> Maybe you wait patiently doing absolutely nothing, but I do NOT.
> >>
> >> Just thought that you might want to know, if a car tries to run you
> >> over you should get out of the way. But, of course if you simply
> >> pretend that the car is NOT in front of you, it doesn't mean that it
> >> wouldn't have avoided you anyhow. Does it, Dumb Dumb?
> >
> > Believe it or not, I'm on your side. I also take vitamin c during a
> > cold, but I do this because I know the body expends more vitamin c
> > during illness, not because I expect to have immediate alleviation of
> > symptoms using this particular nutrient. It's not simply a question of
> > taking action, it's a question of knowing which nutrients provide the
> > desired effect, whether that effect is long-term, or short-term.
> > During a bout with influenza, for instance, I choose to take N-acetyl
> > cysteine over echinacea, because it raises white blood cell production
> > and reduces the risk of respiratory infection, and shortens the length
> > of the illness. If vitamin c was helpful in your particular case, I'm
> > all for it.
>
> I thought that with your perfect state of health and superior immune system
> you never got influenza. Look out when the next pandemic hits.

I haven't had the flu since I was a child. I meant that I choose NAC
over echinancea preventatively if I feel something coming on (perhaps
it would have become influenza without the intervention.) And if bird
flu hits, I'll know how to tip the odds in my favor.

PeterB
 
[email protected] wrote:
> PeterB wrote:
>
>
>>That doesn't mean your condition
>>would not have resolved using your existing store of nutrients even
>>without additional vitamins.
>
>
> Maybe you wait patiently doing absolutely nothing, but I do NOT.
>
> Just thought that you might want to know, if a car tries to run you
> over you should get out of the way. But, of course if you simply
> pretend that the car is NOT in front of you, it doesn't mean that it
> wouldn't have avoided you anyhow. Does it, Dumb Dumb?
>
 
.... somethimes you're too sick
or scared to move.

But you can pick up the phone.

"The Emergency Call Waiting Song,"
Phil Alexander

On the first ring of waiting for my emergency
A burglar broke in and robbed me

On the second ring of waiting for my emergency
Two drug-crazed hippies
And their dealer broke in and robbed me

On the third ring of waiting for my emergency
Three doped-up junkies
Two big alsatians
And a bent copper came and robbed me

On the fourth ring of waiting for my emergency
Four-nicating youngsters
Three used-up condoms
Two odd positions
And some kind of a shoot for page 3

On the fifth ring of waiting for my emergency
Five more rings
Four-ced entery
Free-loading ****s
Too annoyed for words
And another ******* came to rob me

On the sixth ring of waiting for my emergency
Six nasty stab-wounds
Five bleeding holes
Four stitches needed
Three tetanus jabs
Two pints of blood
In a transfusion needed for me

On the seventh ring of waiting for my emergency
Seven drinks for comfort
Six wounds a-bleeding
Five bloody towels
Four-bearance needed
Three-zing my balls off
To-urniquet tightened
And a virtual lobotomy

On the eighth ring of waiting for my emergency
Eight guys arrested
Seven wounds a-bleeding
Six months remanded
Five years to serve
Four failed appeals
Three years' remission
Too well-behaved
And they're out, now they're out to get me

On the ninth ring of waiting for my emergency
Nine nine nine dialed [or 9-1-1 if you prefer]
Eight wounds a-bleeding
Seven fingers missing
Six on the floor
Five fingerprints
Four-ensic science
Three suspects
Two or less arrests
And some cop film that's on the TV

On the tenth ring of waiting for my emergency
Ten pints of lager
Nine wounds a-bleeding
Eight odd intruders
Seven swingers swinging
Six geezers laying
Five dangly "things"
Four fingers used
Three-some with Rover
Two running cameras
And a DVD copy for me

On the eleventh ring of waiting for my emergency
Eleven double-brandies
Ten wounds a-bleeding
Nine bottles, broken
Eight glasses splattered
Seven saucers smashing
Sick's heaved all over
Five minutes' peace
Four what it's worth
Three hours for clean-up
Two bins full
And a phone that still rings endlessly

On the twelfth ring of waiting for my emergency
Twelve large tequilas
Eleven wounds a-bleeding
Ten pimps a-pimping
Nine dealers dealing
Eight kilos smuggling
Seven mill for laundering
Six gangstas shooting
Five hours on hold
Four-gotten why
Free-zer full of dope
Too ****** to think
And then the police at last answered me...
 
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