We're Not in Lake Wobegon Anymore
By Garrison Keillor
Something has gone seriously haywire with the Republican Party. Once,
it was the party of pragmatic Main Street businessmen in steel-rimmed
spectacles who decried profligacy and waste, were devoted to their
communities and supported the sort of prosperity that raises all ships.
They were good-hearted people who vanquished the gnarlier elements of
their party, the paranoid Roosevelt-haters, the flat Earthers and
Prohibitionists, the antipapist antiforeigner element. The genial
Eisenhower was their man, a genuine American hero of D-Day, who made it
OK for reasonable people to vote Republican. He brought the Korean War
to a stalemate, produced the Interstate Highway System, declined to
rescue the French colonial army in Vietnam, and gave us a period of
peace and prosperity, in which (oddly) American arts and letters
flourished and higher education burgeoned-and there was a degree of
plain decency in the country. Fifties Republicans were giants compared
to todays'. Richard Nixon was the last Republican leader to feel a
Christian obligation toward the poor.
In the years between Nixon and Newt Gingrich, the party
migrated southward down the Twisting Trail of Rhetoric and sneered at
the idea of public service and became the Scourge of Liberalism, the
Great Crusade Against the Sixties, the Death Star of government, a gang
of pirates that diverted and fascinated the media by their sheer
chutzpah, such as the misty-eyed flag-waving of Ronald Reagan who, while
George McGovern flew bombers in World War II, took a pass and made
training films in Long Beach. The Nixon moderate vanished like the
passenger pigeon, purged by a legion of angry white men who rose to
power on pure punk politics. "Bipartisanship is another form of date
rape," says Grover Norquist, the Sid Vicious of the GOP. "I don't want
to abolish government. I simply want to reduce it to the size where I
can drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub." The boy
has Oedipal problems and government is his daddy.
The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the
party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based
economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of
convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking
midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in
pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks,
Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk
was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the
rest of us, Newt's evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull
and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular
institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts
trying to walk. Republicans: The No1 reason the rest of the world thinks
we're deaf, dumb and dangerous.
Rich ironies abound! Lies pop up like toadstools in the
forest! Wild swine crowd round the public trough! Outrageous
gerrymandering! Pocket lining on a massive scale! Paid lobbyists sit in
committee rooms and write legislation to alleviate the suffering of
billionaires! Hypocrisies shine like cat turds in the moonlight! O Mark
Twain, where art thou at this hour? Arise and behold the Gilded Age
reincarnated gaudier than ever, upholding great wealth as the sure sign
of Divine Grace.
Here in 2004, George W. Bush is running for reelection on a
platform of tragedy-the single greatest failure of national defense in
our history, the attacks of 9/11 in which 19 men with box cutters put
this nation into a tailspin, a failure the details of which the White
House fought to keep secret even as it ran the country into hock up to
the hubcaps, thanks to generous tax cuts for the well-fixed, hoping to
lead us into a box canyon of debt that will render government impotent,
even as we engage in a war against a small country that was undertaken
for the president's personal satisfaction but sold to the American
public on the basis of brazen misinformation, a war whose purpose is to
distract us from an enormous transfer of wealth taking place in this
country, flowing upward, and the deception is working beautifully.
The concentration of wealth and power in the hands of the few
is the death knell of democracy. No republic in the history of humanity
has survived this. The election of 2004 will say something about what
happens to ours. The omens are not good. Our beloved land has been
fogged with fear--fear, the greatest political strategy ever. An ominous
silence, distant sirens, a drumbeat of whispered warnings and alarms to
keep the public uneasy and silence the opposition. And in a time of
vague fear, you can appoint bullet-brained judges, strip the bark off
the Constitution, eviscerate federal regulatory agencies, bring public
education to a standstill, stupefy the press, lavish gorgeous tax breaks
on the rich.
There is a stink drifting through this election year. It isn't
the Florida recount or the Supreme Court decision. No, it's 9/11 that we
keep coming back to. It wasn't the "end of innocence," or a turning
point in our history, or a cosmic occurrence, it was an event, a lapse
of security. And patriotism shouldn't prevent people from asking hard
questions of the man who was purportedly in charge of national security
at the time. Whenever I think of those New Yorkers hurrying along Park
Place or getting off the No.1 Broadway local, hustling toward their
office on the 90th floor, the morning paper under their arms, I think of
that non-reader George W. Bush and how he hopes to exploit those people
with a little economic uptick, maybe the capture of Osama, cruise to
victory in November and proceed to get some serious nation-changing done
in his second term.
This year, as in the past, Republicans will portray us
Democrats as embittered academics, desiccated Unitarians, whacked-out
hippies and communards, people who talk to telephone poles, the party of
the Deadheads. They will wave enormous flags and show over and over the
footage of firemen in the wreckage of the World Trade Center and bodies
being carried out and they will lie about their economic policies with
astonishing enthusiasm. The Union is what needs defending this year.
Government of Enron and by Halliburton and for the Southern Baptists is
not the same as what Lincoln spoke of. This gang of Pithecanthropus
Republicanii has humbugged us to death on terrorism and tax cuts for the
comfy and school prayer and flag burning and claimed the right to know
what books we read and to dump their sewage upstream from the town and
clear-cut the forests and gut the IRS and mark up the constitution on
behalf of intolerance and promote the corporate takeover of the public
airwaves and to hell with anybody who opposes them.
This is a great country, and it wasn't made so by angry
people. We have a sacred duty to bequeath it to our grandchildren in
better shape than however we found it. We have a long way to go and we're
not getting any younger. Dante said that the hottest place in Hell is
reserved for those who in time of crisis remain neutral, so I have
spoken my piece, and thank you, dear reader. It's a beautiful world,
rain or shine, and there is more to life than hate and war
===================
DISGUSTED? Weeks ago, John Zogby pointed out
on his website that 47% of democrats don't just disagree with Bush--they
personally despise him. Among undecideds, Bush's job approval rating is 30%.
Thus, Zogby gives Kerry a 80-100 point advantage in the electoral college. In
4 years, we have gone from the largest federal budget surplus we have ever had
to the largest deficit we have ever had; From the largest job growth we have
ever had, to the first president since Herbert Hoover to have a net decline of
jobs during his tenure. Investors have done worse than during the Wategate
years.
Bush's Chairman of the Council of Economic advisors believes that outsourcing
is good for the country (don't laugh, he said it); Certainly, we could find
someone in Bangalore, India who could do a better job.
====================
1. Social Security Surplus
BUSH PLEDGES NOT TO TOUCH SOCIAL SECURITY SURPLUS... "We're going to
keep the promise of Social Security and keep the government from
raiding the Social Security surplus." [President Bush, 3/3/01] ...BUSH
SPENDS SOCIAL SECURITY SURPLUS The New York Times reported that "the
president's new budget uses Social Security surpluses to pay for other
programs every year through 2013, ultimately diverting more than $1.4
trillion in Social Security funds to other purposes." [The New York
Times, 2/6/02]
2. Patient's Right to Sue
GOVERNOR BUSH VETOES PATIENTS' RIGHT TO SUE... "Despite his campaign
rhetoric in favor of a patients' bill of rights, Bush fought such a
bill tooth and nail as Texas governor, vetoing a bill coauthored by
Republican state Rep. John Smithee in 1995. He... constantly opposed a
patient's right to sue an HMO over coverage denied that resulted in
adverse health effects." [Salon, 2/7/01] ...CANDIDATE BUSH PRAISES
TEXAS PATIENTS' RIGHT TO SUE... "We're one of the first states that
said you can sue an HMO for denying you proper coverage... It's time
for our nation to come together and do what's right for the people.
And I think this is right for the people. You know, I support a
national patients' bill of rights, Mr. Vice President. And I want all
people covered. I don't want the law to supersede good law like we've
got in Texas." [Governor Bush, 10/17/00] ...PRESIDENT BUSH'S
ADMINISTRATION ARGUES AGAINST RIGHT TO SUE "To let two Texas
consumers, Juan Davila and Ruby R. Calad, sue their managed-care
companies for wrongful denials of medical benefits ‘would be to
completely undermine' federal law regulating employee benefits,
Assistant Solicitor General James A. Feldman said at oral argument
March 23. Moreover, the administration's brief attacked the policy
rationale for Texas's law, which is similar to statutes on the books
in nine other states." [Washington Post, 4/5/04]
3. Tobacco Buyout
BUSH SUPPORTS CURRENT TOBACCO FARMERS' QUOTA SYSTEM... "They've got
the quota system in place -- the allotment system -- and I don't think
that needs to be changed." [President Bush, 5/04] ...BUSH
ADMINISTRATION WILL SUPPORT FEDERAL BUYOUT OF TOBACCO QUOTAS "The
administration is open to a buyout." [White House spokeswoman Jeanie
Mamo, 6/18/04]
4. North Korea
BUSH WILL NOT OFFER NUCLEAR NORTH KOREA INCENTIVES TO DISARM... "We
developed a bold approach under which, if the North addressed our
long-standing concerns, the United States was prepared to take
important steps that would have significantly improved the lives of
the North Korean people. Now that North Korea's covert nuclear weapons
program has come to light, we are unable to pursue this approach."
[President's Statement, 11/15/02] ...BUSH ADMINISTRATION OFFERS NORTH
KOREA INCENTIVES TO DISARM"Well, we will work to take steps to ease
their political and economic isolation. So there would be -- what you
would see would be some provisional or temporary proposals that would
only lead to lasting benefit after North Korea dismantles its nuclear
programs. So there would be some provisional or temporary efforts of
that nature." [White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, 6/23/04]
5. Abortion
BUSH SUPPORTS A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE... "Bush said he...favors
leaving up to a woman and her doctor the abortion question." [The
Nation, 6/15/00, quoting the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal, 5/78] ...BUSH
OPPOSES A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE "I am pro-life." [Governor Bush,
10/3/00]
6. OPEC
BUSH PROMISES TO FORCE OPEC TO LOWER PRICES... "What I think the
president ought to do [when gas prices spike] is he ought to get on
the phone with the OPEC cartel and say we expect you to open your
spigots...And the president of the United States must jawbone OPEC
members to lower the price." [President Bush, 1/26/00] ...BUSH REFUSES
TO LOBBY OPEC LEADERS With gas prices soaring in the United States at
the beginning of 2004, the Miami Herald reported the president refused
to "personally lobby oil cartel leaders to change their minds." [Miami
Herald, 4/1/04]
7. Iraq Funding
BUSH SPOKESMAN DENIES NEED FOR ADDITIONAL FUNDS FOR THE REST OF
2004... "We do not anticipate requesting supplemental funding for '04"
[White House Budget Director Joshua Bolton, 2/2/04] ...BUSH REQUESTS
ADDITIONAL FUNDS FOR IRAQ FOR 2004 "I am requesting that Congress
establish a $25 billion contingency reserve fund for the coming fiscal
year to meet all commitments to our troops." [President Bush,
Statement by President, 5/5/04]
8. Condoleeza Rice Testimony
BUSH SPOKESMAN SAYS RICE WON'T TESTIFY AS 'A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE'...
"Again, this is not her personal preference; this goes back to a
matter of principle. There is a separation of powers issue involved
here. Historically, White House staffers do not testify before
legislative bodies. So it's a matter of principle, not a matter of
preference." [White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan, 3/9/04]
....BUSH ORDERS RICE TO TESTIFY: "Today I have informed the Commission
on Terrorist Attacks Against the United States that my National
Security Advisor, Dr. Condoleezza Rice, will provide public
testimony." [President Bush, 3/30/04]
9. Science
BUSH PLEDGES TO ISSUE REGULATIONS BASED ON SCIENCE..."I think we ought
to have high standards set by agencies that rely upon science, not by
what may feel good or what sounds good." [then-Governor George W.
Bush, 1/15/00] ...BUSH ADMINISTRATION REGULATIONS IGNORE SCIENCE "60
leading scientists—including Nobel laureates, leading medical experts,
former federal agency directors and university chairs and
presidents—issued a statement calling for regulatory and legislative
action to restore scientific integrity to federal policymaking.
According to the scientists, the Bush administration has, among other
abuses, suppressed and distorted scientific analysis from federal
agencies, and taken actions that have undermined the quality of
scientific advisory panels." [Union of Concerned Scientists, 2/18/04]
10. Ahmed Chalabi
BUSH INVITES CHALABI TO STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS...President Bush
also met with Chalabi during his brief trip to Iraq last Thanksgiving
[White House Documents 1/20/04, 11/27/03] ...BUSH MILITARY ASSISTS IN
RAID OF CHALABI'S HOUSE "U.S. soldiers raided the home of America's
one-time ally Ahmad Chalabi on Thursday and seized documents and
computers." [Washington Post, 5/20/04]
11. Department of Homeland Security
BUSH OPPOSES THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY..."So, creating a
Cabinet office doesn't solve the problem. You still will have agencies
within the federal government that have to be coordinated. So the
answer is that creating a Cabinet post doesn't solve anything." [White
House spokesman Ari Fleischer, 3/19/02] ...BUSH SUPPORTS THE
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY "So tonight, I ask the Congress to
join me in creating a single, permanent department with an overriding
and urgent mission: securing the homeland of America and protecting
the American people." [President Bush, Address to the Nation, 6/6/02]
12. Weapons of Mass Destruction
BUSH SAYS WE FOUND THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION..."We found the
weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories...for
those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or
banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." [President Bush,
Interview in Poland, 5/29/03] ...BUSH SAYS WE HAVEN'T FOUND WEAPONS OF
