Joke Du Jour, Memo to Hospital staff

Discussion in 'Food and nutrition' started by OmManiPadmeOmelet, Mar 19, 2006.

  1. MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
    FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
    SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

    Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.
    Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
    of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
    pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
    rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
    will be provided for patrolling the park areas.

    In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
    over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
    responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as
    continuing previous secretarial duties.

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
    need to let their families know to bring something, or may make
    arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
    Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
    this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

    Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
    issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
    range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
    Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may
    also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
    discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

    As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
    groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by
    calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and
    listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

    Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
    TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
    checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
    equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
    rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
    Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
    handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

    Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
    performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
    bleeding.

    Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
    x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required
    by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of
    one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday
    paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors'
    coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
    you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
    ER.

    In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
    has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
    office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
    appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
    hospital gift shop.

    In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
    collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
    floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
    encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy
    compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of
    antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase
    through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the
    only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
    --
    Peace, Om.

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson
     
    Tags:


  2. Sarah

    Sarah Guest

    "OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
    > FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
    > SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
    >
    > Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.
    > Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
    > of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
    > pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
    > rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
    > will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
    >
    > In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
    > over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
    > responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as
    > continuing previous secretarial duties.
    >
    > Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
    > need to let their families know to bring something, or may make
    > arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
    > Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
    > this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
    >
    > Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
    > issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
    > range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
    > Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may
    > also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
    > discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
    >
    > As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
    > groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by
    > calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and
    > listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
    >
    > Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
    > TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
    > checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
    > equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
    > rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
    > Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
    > handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
    >
    > Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
    > performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
    > bleeding.
    >
    > Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
    > x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required
    > by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of
    > one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday
    > paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors'
    > coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
    > you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
    > ER.
    >
    > In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
    > has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
    > office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
    > appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
    > hospital gift shop.
    >
    > In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
    > collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
    > floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
    > encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy
    > compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of
    > antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase
    > through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the
    > only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
    > --
    > Peace, Om.
    >
    > "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack
    > Nicholson



    It sounds just like something my hospital would come up with. The theatre
    business manager gave a rousing speech the other day, that we were a
    factory, and we weren't producing enough!
    I'm sure the patients would love to know that they weren't individuals but
    items to be processed as quickly as possible!
    (She's an X nurse!)
    Sarah
     
  3. Sheldon

    Sheldon Guest

    Sarah wrote:
    > "OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    > news:[email protected]
    > > MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
    > > FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
    > > SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
    > >
    > > Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security.
    > > Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds
    > > of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
    > > pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
    > > rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
    > > will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
    > >
    > > In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take
    > > over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
    > > responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as
    > > continuing previous secretarial duties.
    > >
    > > Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
    > > need to let their families know to bring something, or may make
    > > arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time.
    > > Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for
    > > this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.
    > >
    > > Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
    > > issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing
    > > range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment.
    > > Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may
    > > also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special
    > > discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
    > >
    > > As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
    > > groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by
    > > calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and
    > > listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.
    > >
    > > Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
    > > TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
    > > checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard
    > > equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a
    > > rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on
    > > Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to
    > > handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
    > >
    > > Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
    > > performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already
    > > bleeding.
    > >
    > > Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two
    > > x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required
    > > by Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of
    > > one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday
    > > paper if they want extra sets. Eckerd's will also honor competitors'
    > > coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
    > > you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the
    > > ER.
    > >
    > > In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
    > > has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
    > > office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
    > > appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
    > > hospital gift shop.
    > >
    > > In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
    > > collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each
    > > floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are
    > > encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy
    > > compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of
    > > antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase
    > > through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the
    > > only antibiotics listed on the HMOs' formulary.
    > > --
    > > Peace, Om.
    > >
    > > "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack
    > > Nicholson

    >
    >
    > It sounds just like something my hospital would come up with. The theatre
    > business manager gave a rousing speech the other day, that we were a
    > factory, and we weren't producing enough!
    > I'm sure the patients would love to know that they weren't individuals but
    > items to be processed as quickly as possible!
    > (She's an X nurse!)


    X-Nurses are the best kind: http://www.funnyinside.com/Sexynurse.shtml

    Sheldon
     
  4. In article <[email protected]>,
    "Sarah" <[email protected]> wrote:

    > It sounds just like something my hospital would come up with. The theatre
    > business manager gave a rousing speech the other day, that we were a
    > factory, and we weren't producing enough!
    > I'm sure the patients would love to know that they weren't individuals but
    > items to be processed as quickly as possible!
    > (She's an X nurse!)
    > Sarah


    Ugh! I'm with you there...
    I make a major effort to _never_ reduce patients to a random number! :-(
    --
    Peace, Om.

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson
     
  5. Dave Smith

    Dave Smith Guest

  6. Dan Abel

    Dan Abel Guest

    In article <[email protected]>,
    OmManiPadmeOmelet <[email protected]> wrote:


    > Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
    > need to let their families know to bring something, or may make


    Don't laugh too hard. When our children were born, we were advised to
    bring our own food to the hospital, as the food was edible but not much
    more. Ambulatory patients were forced to cook their own (hoof it down
    to the microwave in each wing). It was much worse than airline food,
    but similar.


    > Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
    > issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing


    The cost-cutting czar at my last job cut custodial services for those
    who worked directly under him. I would go over there to talk to
    somebody and see the controller running the vacuum cleaner in the hall.


    > As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
    > groundskeeping duties.


    The treasurer ran the leaf-blower.



    > In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
    > has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
    > office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
    > appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
    > hospital gift shop.



    To save money, the students in the dorms voluntarily (I guess) agreed
    that the hot water would be shut off in the evening. Don't try to take
    a shower then!

    --
    Dan Abel
    [email protected]
    Petaluma, California, USA
     
  7. In article <[email protected]>,
    Dan Abel <[email protected]> wrote:

    > In article <[email protected]>,
    > OmManiPadmeOmelet <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    >
    > > Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will
    > > need to let their families know to bring something, or may make

    >
    > Don't laugh too hard. When our children were born, we were advised to
    > bring our own food to the hospital, as the food was edible but not much
    > more. Ambulatory patients were forced to cook their own (hoof it down
    > to the microwave in each wing). It was much worse than airline food,
    > but similar.


    Well that sux!

    >
    >
    > > Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be
    > > issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing

    >
    > The cost-cutting czar at my last job cut custodial services for those
    > who worked directly under him. I would go over there to talk to
    > somebody and see the controller running the vacuum cleaner in the hall.


    <lol> I do close up the biohazard trash boxes at night and put out new
    ones. ;-) And clean up the break room since it's not housekeepings job.

    >
    >
    > > As you can see on the "FROM" line above, administration is assuming
    > > groundskeeping duties.

    >
    > The treasurer ran the leaf-blower.


    I do plan to print this and post it where administration can see it. <G>

    >
    >
    >
    > > In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company
    > > has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room,
    > > office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and
    > > appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
    > > hospital gift shop.

    >
    >
    > To save money, the students in the dorms voluntarily (I guess) agreed
    > that the hot water would be shut off in the evening. Don't try to take
    > a shower then!


    Hmmmmmm... not a bad idea here. ;-D


    >
    > --
    > Dan Abel

    --
    Peace, Om.

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson
     
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