Joke of the day



Teacher to Paul: “Wake up, Paul! You can’t sleep in class!”
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Paul to teacher: “I could actually, it’s just that you’re a bit loud.”
 
The class is having a guessing game and the teacher asks, “OK, what do you call someone who keeps on talking even though nobody else is interested anymore?”
Little Johnny shouts eagerly, “A teacher!”
 
Why does it suck to be a penguin?
Because even when you get angry, you still look cute.
 
An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone.

"Honey," she says in a worried voice, "please be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the highway."

"Oh it's worse than that," he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"
 
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
 
A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him: „Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“

And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
 
Paul to Jane: Would you like to be my girlfriend?

Jane: That’s a bit direct. Can’t you come up with something more beautiful?

Paul: I tried, but they didn’t want.
 
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
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You stick with me and I will take you places!
 
Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.
 
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
 
Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy, ‘cause if you don’t pass that test, you can forget that you’re my son!”

The next day Kenny comes home and his dad asks him how he did in the test.

Kenny looks at him and says, “And who are you, dude?”
 
A blonde walks into a doctor’s office and exclaims: "Doctor, please help me. Whenever I touch my leg, ow! It really hurts... When I touch my elbow, oh Lord! It hurts... When I touch my head, goodness gracious it hurts! When I touch my elbow it hurts like hell!"
The Doctor looks her over and calmly replies: "Miss, it appears your finger is broken."
 
I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
 
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
 
Teacher: "Why are you praying in class little Johnny?”
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Little Johnny: “My mom taught me to always pray before going to sleep."
 
"So what are you doing today?"
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"Nothing."
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"What the heck, you were doing nothing the whole day yesterday!"
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"That's right, and I'm not finished yet."
 
A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
 
A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”

The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
 
"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"

"So you can all be really sad when I die."