AUSTIN, Texas (Fat Cyclist Fake News Service)- Top-tier professional road cyclist Levi Leipheimer is “totally OK” with Ivan Basso signing with Team Discovery, according to a company spokesperson.
“Levi is very excited about this development,” said Johan Bruyneel, team director. “This is, after all, the team where Levi really launched his professional career as a domestique for Lance Armstrong. So of course it’s a very exciting prospect for him to return, years later, now as one of the top cyclists in the world and as a bona fide Grand Tour contender and team leader…and do exactly the same thing he did last time he was on this team.”
“Oh, except now he’ll be working for a different guy,” clarified the directeur sportif. “So that’s new, anyway. And, um, very exciting for Levi.”
Asked to comment, Levi Leipheimer verified that he is, in fact, eager to move from de facto team leader to super domestique before he ever raced for Team Discovery. “Ivan Basso’s a huge talent, you know, and I’m very happy to have him on the team,” said Leipheimer. “I can hardly wait to fetch water bottles for him as he tries to get a double grand tour win.”
“After all,” continued the 34-year-old Leipheimer, “I’m still really in the early part of my career. I’ve got another three, maybe four years left in me. Why wouldn’t I be excited to put my own goals on hold in order to facilitate securing Basso a couple big wins? I mean, a Basso really inspires me to work hard; I’m extra enthused to race for someone who may or may not have been doping, but refuses to take the steps that would clear his name. If he’s innocent.”
Leipheimer paused for a moment, then continued: “Which, I’m sure, he is.”
Not Considering a Different Team
Asked whether he is considering leaving Team Discovery in order to go to a team that will make him the team leader he perhaps deserves to be, Leipheimer was quick to respond. “Yeah, you know what would happen if I did that? I’ll tell you what would happen. Say I went to team CSC. I’ll bet you anything that fifteen minutes later they’d hire Ullrich. And then they’d hire Landis, who I’m sure would magically be cleared all of a sudden.”
“And Hamilton,” finished Leipheimer. “They’d probably hire him, too.”
New Perks
Team Discovery, aware of the possibility–no matter how trivial–that Leipheimer might experience some frustration at being replaced as the team’s main GC racer before doing a single grand tour, has prepared a special set of incentives for the racer.
“We haven’t forgotten Levi,” said the Discovery spokesperson. In exchange for the hard work he’ll be doing on behalf of Ivan Basso, we’re going to give him a number of very nice prizes. For example, we are giving him a signed 8 x 10 photograph of Lance Armstrong, which would sell for $80 or more on eBay. We’re letting him pick out any bike from the Trek catalog he’d like for his own use, and we’re giving it to him at cost. That represents significant savings!”
“I should clarify, perhaps,” continued the spokesperson, “that this offer does not extend to the Lemond bike line.”
“Perhaps the most exciting perk, however,” said the spokesperson, “is that Levi will get to share a hotel room with Ivan Basso when they’re racing! Just think what valuable advice Levi will be able to collect from Ivan during their ‘together time.’”
Concluded the spokesperson: “Levi must consider himself very fortunate indeed.”
hilarious faux news about levi and disco!
