Live from the slammer! It's Martha..

Discussion in 'Food and nutrition' started by Larry, Mar 9, 2004.

  1. Larry

    Larry Guest

    Tuesday, March 9, 2004

    Despite her legal problems, I won't stop borrowing important
    domestic tips from homemaking queen Martha Stewart.

    When I want to know how to brighten my table with, say,
    pussy willows, or slap together some whole duck foie gras
    for company \x{2014} hey, it could happen \x{2014} Martha
    Stewart is still my go-to gal.

    It just disgusts me that some of you fickle Martha Stewart
    fans are already bailing out on her now that she's a
    convicted felon. I hear y'all are boycotting her products,
    and that her TV show "Martha Stewart Living" has been jerked
    off the air.

    Why are you turncoats giving up on Martha? Just because
    somebody might go to jail doesn't mean she can't still do an
    exquisite braised flounder with Chinese cabbage.

    Sadly, a jury of Martha's peers convicted her of lying to
    the feds to cover up why she quickly unloaded nearly 4,000
    shares of ImClone Systems stocks to keep from losing money.

    What I want to know is how the jurors qualified as Martha's
    peers. Maybe during voir dire they had to be able to tell
    the lawyers 20 handy uses for a can of cranberries.

    Did you ever wonder if you could make a seafood smoothie by
    running a perch through a Waring blender? Me neither, but
    I'll betcha Martha has the answer.

    So stop pickin' on Martha, for gosh sakes. Sure, she's
    annoying. But how many workers' 401(k)s did she bring down
    when she sold off her ImClone stock? Instead of Martha, why
    don't the feds go after former Enron head Ken Lay?

    Can Lay pan-fry a mahi-mahi filet in canola oil, or say it
    with acorns? I think not.

    Meanwhile, sadly, Martha Stewart faces jail time. You'd
    think the feds would offer her leniency in exchange for her
    recipe for pecan-encrusted catfish.

    Oh, Martha could survive a tour in the joint with no
    problem. She's an enterprising businesswoman, so it wouldn't
    be long before she'd be broadcasting a home decorating show
    live from her jail cell. So folks at home, don't adjust your
    TV set. Those bars on your screen are supposed to be there.
    And the large female cellmate everyone knows as Moose is
    supposed to be there, too.

    Jail would be a learning experience for Martha and her
    viewers. Before this is over, she could be passing along
    valuable jailhouse homemaking tips, such as:

    During an escape, how much of a thread count a set of sheets
    requires before you can tie them together and lower yourself
    to the ground.

    How to make that shiny metal toilet appear less imposing as
    a centerpiece in a 6-by-8-foot living space.

    Accessorizing with nasturtiums in the exercise yard without
    getting your brains beat in.

    During a prison riot, how to make your plumbing back up
    until it explodes.

    Making a shiv out of a vegetable peeler, a cheese grater or
    a melon baller.

    The evening meal: How many fruit cups do you have to save up
    before you can trade them to Moose for a pack of Camels?

    How to accessorize your bunk with pillow shams and coverlets
    to make it look as if you're sleeping in it for the evening
    head count.

    John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
    Fridays.
     
    Tags:


  2. If she does get prison time, it will be at one of the
    'country club' type prisons like John Mitchell served his
    time at. Only difference is that this time her body guards
    and escorts will be paid by the feds and not out of her
    corporate accounts.

    Martha's a survivor.

    My question is how can someone responsible for over 550
    deaths still be allowed to claim a pious attitude and still
    not be held accountable. Eh, Mr. Bush?

    -Ginny
     
  3. Marecat

    Marecat Guest

    On Tue, 09 Mar 2004 15:10:16 GMT, "larry" <[email protected]>
    wrote:
    >
    >Instead of Martha, why don't the feds go after former Enron
    >head Ken Lay?

    Hmmmm...maybe 'cause Martha isn't in bed with the Shrub like
    Kenny Boy is??
     
  4. Pennyaline

    Pennyaline Guest

    "larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:

    <snip>

    > What I want to know is how the jurors qualified as
    > Martha's peers. Maybe during voir dire they had to be able
    > to tell the lawyers 20 handy uses for a can of
    > cranberries.

    I'll bet everybody knew that it's for holding down that
    stubborn piece of shelf paper in the back of the cupboard.

    > Did you ever wonder if you could make a seafood smoothie
    > by running a perch through a Waring blender? Me neither,
    > but I'll betcha Martha has the answer.

    What to do with a dead albatross too, I'll wager.

    > So stop pickin' on Martha, for gosh sakes. Sure, she's
    > annoying. But how many workers' 401(k)s did she bring down
    > when she sold off her ImClone stock?

    Given the ultimate results, perhaps quite a few.

    > Can Lay pan-fry a mahi-mahi filet in canola oil, or say it
    > with acorns? I think not.

    No, but like Martha, he also knows how to filet and pan-fry
    former friends and coworkers and serve them their own asses
    on a platter.

    > Meanwhile, sadly, Martha Stewart faces jail time. You'd
    > think the feds would offer her leniency in exchange for
    > her recipe for pecan-encrusted catfish.

    Well they didn't, did they? Question answered.

    > Oh, Martha could survive a tour in the joint with no
    > problem. She's an enterprising businesswoman, so it
    > wouldn't be long before she'd be broadcasting a home
    > decorating show live from her jail cell. So folks at home,
    > don't adjust your TV set. Those bars on your screen are
    > supposed to be there. And the large female cellmate
    > everyone knows as Moose is supposed to be there, too.

    Could she get Moose to behave like a note-worthy guest
    cellmate, the two cooking side by side while Martha barks
    orders at her and interrupts her constantly? Ummmmmm...
    stay tuned.

    > Jail would be a learning experience for Martha and her
    > viewers. Before this is over, she could be passing along
    > valuable jailhouse homemaking tips, such as:
    >
    > During an escape, how much of a thread count a set of
    > sheets requires before you can tie them together and lower
    > yourself to the ground.

    Hey, don't laugh! Think of the strength of those fabrics.
    She could end up taking everybody with her.

    > How to make that shiny metal toilet appear less imposing
    > as a centerpiece in a 6-by-8-foot living space.

    With a removable floral arrangement insert, of course.

    > Accessorizing with nasturtiums in the exercise yard
    > without getting your brains beat in.

    ...without a garden shed or a potting bench, and using just
    a sharpened spoon (one of Julia Child's old tricks).

    > During a prison riot, how to make your plumbing back up
    > until it explodes.

    No, no! This completely misses the spirit of everything
    Martha Stewart has tried to acheive all of her life. One
    must make ones plumbing back up to the brim, then clear it
    out again subtly and swiftly while all the time insisting
    that there was a standing sale order.

    > Making a shiv out of a vegetable peeler, a cheese grater
    > or a melon baller.

    A disher, please. A #60 disher. And don't forget the spring-
    loaded tongs.

    > The evening meal: How many fruit cups do you have to
    > save up before you can trade them to Moose for a pack
    > of Camels?

    This one could be tough for Martha, given her difficult
    history with interpersonal relationships.
     
  5. Larry

    Larry Guest

    On Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:52:18 -0700, Pennyaline wrote:

    > "larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:

    He did..last sentence says..

    "John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
    Fridays."

    ..so it is therefore attributed to John Kelso..

    L
     
  6. Pennyaline

    Pennyaline Guest

    "larry" wrote:
    > On Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:52:18 -0700, Pennyaline wrote:
    >
    > > "larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:
    >
    > He did..last sentence says..
    >
    > "John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
    > Fridays."
    >
    > ..so it is therefore attributed to John Kelso..
    >

    And did you read any of the rest of it, "larry"?

    PS, "larry": to be crystal clear and avert misunderstandings
    (read "avoid plagiarism accusations and copyright
    infringement" and not from me, either), attributions are
    given in large plain type at the start of an article, not
    at the end of it.
     
  7. Sam 1121

    Sam 1121 Guest

    And if you ever have a BIG problem....will you like everyone
    being SO unkind???
     
  8. Sam 1121

    Sam 1121 Guest

    And if you ever have a BIG problem....will you like everyone
    being SO unkind???
     
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