Live from the slammer! It's Martha..



L

Larry

Guest
Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Despite her legal problems, I won't stop borrowing important
domestic tips from homemaking queen Martha Stewart.

When I want to know how to brighten my table with, say,
***** willows, or slap together some whole duck foie gras
for company \x{2014} hey, it could happen \x{2014} Martha
Stewart is still my go-to gal.

It just disgusts me that some of you fickle Martha Stewart
fans are already bailing out on her now that she's a
convicted felon. I hear y'all are boycotting her products,
and that her TV show "Martha Stewart Living" has been jerked
off the air.

Why are you turncoats giving up on Martha? Just because
somebody might go to jail doesn't mean she can't still do an
exquisite braised flounder with Chinese cabbage.

Sadly, a jury of Martha's peers convicted her of lying to
the feds to cover up why she quickly unloaded nearly 4,000
shares of ImClone Systems stocks to keep from losing money.

What I want to know is how the jurors qualified as Martha's
peers. Maybe during voir dire they had to be able to tell
the lawyers 20 handy uses for a can of cranberries.

Did you ever wonder if you could make a seafood smoothie by
running a perch through a Waring blender? Me neither, but
I'll betcha Martha has the answer.

So stop pickin' on Martha, for gosh sakes. Sure, she's
annoying. But how many workers' 401(k)s did she bring down
when she sold off her ImClone stock? Instead of Martha, why
don't the feds go after former Enron head Ken Lay?

Can Lay pan-fry a mahi-mahi filet in canola oil, or say it
with acorns? I think not.

Meanwhile, sadly, Martha Stewart faces jail time. You'd
think the feds would offer her leniency in exchange for her
recipe for pecan-encrusted catfish.

Oh, Martha could survive a tour in the joint with no
problem. She's an enterprising businesswoman, so it wouldn't
be long before she'd be broadcasting a home decorating show
live from her jail cell. So folks at home, don't adjust your
TV set. Those bars on your screen are supposed to be there.
And the large female cellmate everyone knows as Moose is
supposed to be there, too.

Jail would be a learning experience for Martha and her
viewers. Before this is over, she could be passing along
valuable jailhouse homemaking tips, such as:

During an escape, how much of a thread count a set of sheets
requires before you can tie them together and lower yourself
to the ground.

How to make that shiny metal toilet appear less imposing as
a centerpiece in a 6-by-8-foot living space.

Accessorizing with nasturtiums in the exercise yard without
getting your brains beat in.

During a prison riot, how to make your plumbing back up
until it explodes.

Making a shiv out of a vegetable peeler, a cheese grater or
a melon baller.

The evening meal: How many fruit cups do you have to save up
before you can trade them to Moose for a pack of Camels?

How to accessorize your bunk with pillow shams and coverlets
to make it look as if you're sleeping in it for the evening
head count.

John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
Fridays.
 
V

Virginia Tadrzy

Guest
If she does get prison time, it will be at one of the
'country club' type prisons like John Mitchell served his
time at. Only difference is that this time her body guards
and escorts will be paid by the feds and not out of her
corporate accounts.

Martha's a survivor.

My question is how can someone responsible for over 550
deaths still be allowed to claim a pious attitude and still
not be held accountable. Eh, Mr. Bush?

-Ginny
 
M

Marecat

Guest
On Tue, 09 Mar 2004 15:10:16 GMT, "larry" <[email protected]>
wrote:
>
>Instead of Martha, why don't the feds go after former Enron
>head Ken Lay?

Hmmmm...maybe 'cause Martha isn't in bed with the Shrub like
Kenny Boy is??
 
P

Pennyaline

Guest
"larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:

<snip>

> What I want to know is how the jurors qualified as
> Martha's peers. Maybe during voir dire they had to be able
> to tell the lawyers 20 handy uses for a can of
> cranberries.

I'll bet everybody knew that it's for holding down that
stubborn piece of shelf paper in the back of the cupboard.

> Did you ever wonder if you could make a seafood smoothie
> by running a perch through a Waring blender? Me neither,
> but I'll betcha Martha has the answer.

What to do with a dead albatross too, I'll wager.

> So stop pickin' on Martha, for gosh sakes. Sure, she's
> annoying. But how many workers' 401(k)s did she bring down
> when she sold off her ImClone stock?

Given the ultimate results, perhaps quite a few.

> Can Lay pan-fry a mahi-mahi filet in canola oil, or say it
> with acorns? I think not.

No, but like Martha, he also knows how to filet and pan-fry
former friends and coworkers and serve them their own asses
on a platter.

> Meanwhile, sadly, Martha Stewart faces jail time. You'd
> think the feds would offer her leniency in exchange for
> her recipe for pecan-encrusted catfish.

Well they didn't, did they? Question answered.

> Oh, Martha could survive a tour in the joint with no
> problem. She's an enterprising businesswoman, so it
> wouldn't be long before she'd be broadcasting a home
> decorating show live from her jail cell. So folks at home,
> don't adjust your TV set. Those bars on your screen are
> supposed to be there. And the large female cellmate
> everyone knows as Moose is supposed to be there, too.

Could she get Moose to behave like a note-worthy guest
cellmate, the two cooking side by side while Martha barks
orders at her and interrupts her constantly? Ummmmmm...
stay tuned.

> Jail would be a learning experience for Martha and her
> viewers. Before this is over, she could be passing along
> valuable jailhouse homemaking tips, such as:
>
> During an escape, how much of a thread count a set of
> sheets requires before you can tie them together and lower
> yourself to the ground.

Hey, don't laugh! Think of the strength of those fabrics.
She could end up taking everybody with her.

> How to make that shiny metal toilet appear less imposing
> as a centerpiece in a 6-by-8-foot living space.

With a removable floral arrangement insert, of course.

> Accessorizing with nasturtiums in the exercise yard
> without getting your brains beat in.

...without a garden shed or a potting bench, and using just
a sharpened spoon (one of Julia Child's old tricks).

> During a prison riot, how to make your plumbing back up
> until it explodes.

No, no! This completely misses the spirit of everything
Martha Stewart has tried to acheive all of her life. One
must make ones plumbing back up to the brim, then clear it
out again subtly and swiftly while all the time insisting
that there was a standing sale order.

> Making a shiv out of a vegetable peeler, a cheese grater
> or a melon baller.

A disher, please. A #60 disher. And don't forget the spring-
loaded tongs.

> The evening meal: How many fruit cups do you have to
> save up before you can trade them to Moose for a pack
> of Camels?

This one could be tough for Martha, given her difficult
history with interpersonal relationships.
 
L

Larry

Guest
On Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:52:18 -0700, Pennyaline wrote:

> "larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:

He did..last sentence says..

"John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
Fridays."

..so it is therefore attributed to John Kelso..

L
 
P

Pennyaline

Guest
"larry" wrote:
> On Tue, 09 Mar 2004 14:52:18 -0700, Pennyaline wrote:
>
> > "larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:
>
> He did..last sentence says..
>
> "John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
> Fridays."
>
> ..so it is therefore attributed to John Kelso..
>

And did you read any of the rest of it, "larry"?

PS, "larry": to be crystal clear and avert misunderstandings
(read "avoid plagiarism accusations and copyright
infringement" and not from me, either), attributions are
given in large plain type at the start of an article, not
at the end of it.
 
S

Sam 1121

Guest
And if you ever have a BIG problem....will you like everyone
being SO unkind???
 
S

Sam 1121

Guest
And if you ever have a BIG problem....will you like everyone
being SO unkind???