L
Larry
Guest
Tuesday, March 9, 2004
Despite her legal problems, I won't stop borrowing important
domestic tips from homemaking queen Martha Stewart.
When I want to know how to brighten my table with, say,
***** willows, or slap together some whole duck foie gras
for company \x{2014} hey, it could happen \x{2014} Martha
Stewart is still my go-to gal.
It just disgusts me that some of you fickle Martha Stewart
fans are already bailing out on her now that she's a
convicted felon. I hear y'all are boycotting her products,
and that her TV show "Martha Stewart Living" has been jerked
off the air.
Why are you turncoats giving up on Martha? Just because
somebody might go to jail doesn't mean she can't still do an
exquisite braised flounder with Chinese cabbage.
Sadly, a jury of Martha's peers convicted her of lying to
the feds to cover up why she quickly unloaded nearly 4,000
shares of ImClone Systems stocks to keep from losing money.
What I want to know is how the jurors qualified as Martha's
peers. Maybe during voir dire they had to be able to tell
the lawyers 20 handy uses for a can of cranberries.
Did you ever wonder if you could make a seafood smoothie by
running a perch through a Waring blender? Me neither, but
I'll betcha Martha has the answer.
So stop pickin' on Martha, for gosh sakes. Sure, she's
annoying. But how many workers' 401(k)s did she bring down
when she sold off her ImClone stock? Instead of Martha, why
don't the feds go after former Enron head Ken Lay?
Can Lay pan-fry a mahi-mahi filet in canola oil, or say it
with acorns? I think not.
Meanwhile, sadly, Martha Stewart faces jail time. You'd
think the feds would offer her leniency in exchange for her
recipe for pecan-encrusted catfish.
Oh, Martha could survive a tour in the joint with no
problem. She's an enterprising businesswoman, so it wouldn't
be long before she'd be broadcasting a home decorating show
live from her jail cell. So folks at home, don't adjust your
TV set. Those bars on your screen are supposed to be there.
And the large female cellmate everyone knows as Moose is
supposed to be there, too.
Jail would be a learning experience for Martha and her
viewers. Before this is over, she could be passing along
valuable jailhouse homemaking tips, such as:
During an escape, how much of a thread count a set of sheets
requires before you can tie them together and lower yourself
to the ground.
How to make that shiny metal toilet appear less imposing as
a centerpiece in a 6-by-8-foot living space.
Accessorizing with nasturtiums in the exercise yard without
getting your brains beat in.
During a prison riot, how to make your plumbing back up
until it explodes.
Making a shiv out of a vegetable peeler, a cheese grater or
a melon baller.
The evening meal: How many fruit cups do you have to save up
before you can trade them to Moose for a pack of Camels?
How to accessorize your bunk with pillow shams and coverlets
to make it look as if you're sleeping in it for the evening
head count.
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
Fridays.
Despite her legal problems, I won't stop borrowing important
domestic tips from homemaking queen Martha Stewart.
When I want to know how to brighten my table with, say,
***** willows, or slap together some whole duck foie gras
for company \x{2014} hey, it could happen \x{2014} Martha
Stewart is still my go-to gal.
It just disgusts me that some of you fickle Martha Stewart
fans are already bailing out on her now that she's a
convicted felon. I hear y'all are boycotting her products,
and that her TV show "Martha Stewart Living" has been jerked
off the air.
Why are you turncoats giving up on Martha? Just because
somebody might go to jail doesn't mean she can't still do an
exquisite braised flounder with Chinese cabbage.
Sadly, a jury of Martha's peers convicted her of lying to
the feds to cover up why she quickly unloaded nearly 4,000
shares of ImClone Systems stocks to keep from losing money.
What I want to know is how the jurors qualified as Martha's
peers. Maybe during voir dire they had to be able to tell
the lawyers 20 handy uses for a can of cranberries.
Did you ever wonder if you could make a seafood smoothie by
running a perch through a Waring blender? Me neither, but
I'll betcha Martha has the answer.
So stop pickin' on Martha, for gosh sakes. Sure, she's
annoying. But how many workers' 401(k)s did she bring down
when she sold off her ImClone stock? Instead of Martha, why
don't the feds go after former Enron head Ken Lay?
Can Lay pan-fry a mahi-mahi filet in canola oil, or say it
with acorns? I think not.
Meanwhile, sadly, Martha Stewart faces jail time. You'd
think the feds would offer her leniency in exchange for her
recipe for pecan-encrusted catfish.
Oh, Martha could survive a tour in the joint with no
problem. She's an enterprising businesswoman, so it wouldn't
be long before she'd be broadcasting a home decorating show
live from her jail cell. So folks at home, don't adjust your
TV set. Those bars on your screen are supposed to be there.
And the large female cellmate everyone knows as Moose is
supposed to be there, too.
Jail would be a learning experience for Martha and her
viewers. Before this is over, she could be passing along
valuable jailhouse homemaking tips, such as:
During an escape, how much of a thread count a set of sheets
requires before you can tie them together and lower yourself
to the ground.
How to make that shiny metal toilet appear less imposing as
a centerpiece in a 6-by-8-foot living space.
Accessorizing with nasturtiums in the exercise yard without
getting your brains beat in.
During a prison riot, how to make your plumbing back up
until it explodes.
Making a shiv out of a vegetable peeler, a cheese grater or
a melon baller.
The evening meal: How many fruit cups do you have to save up
before you can trade them to Moose for a pack of Camels?
How to accessorize your bunk with pillow shams and coverlets
to make it look as if you're sleeping in it for the evening
head count.
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
Fridays.