NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYEES

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Guest, Jun 14, 2002.

  1. Guest

    Guest Guest

    NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYEES:

    n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders

    SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
    If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


    SURGERY:
    Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
    need all your organs. You should not consider removing
    anything. We hired you intact.
    To have something removed constitutes a breach of
    employment.


    PERSONAL DAYS:
    Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
    They are called Saturday & Sunday.


    VACATION DAYS:
    All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year.
    The vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25.


    BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
    This is no excuse for missing work.
    There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
    Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
    arrangements.
    In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
    should be
    scheduled in the late afternoon.
    We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
    subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
    the work is done enough.


    OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
    This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
    notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.


    RESTROOM USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
    In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

    For instance:
    All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20,
    employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on.
    If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to
    wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
    In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker.
    Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange, in writing. In
    addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
    At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
    will retract, and the stall door will open.


    LUNCH BREAK:
    Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they
    can look healthy.
    Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
    maintain the average figure.
    Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to
    drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.


    DRESS CODE:
    It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
    If we see you wearing R350 Prada shoes & carrying a R600 Gucci bag, we
    assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need an
    increase.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
    positive employment experience.

    Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.


    Have a nice week,
    Management

    ;D
     
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