OT: British Humour

Discussion in 'Food and nutrition' started by Frenchy, Feb 10, 2005.

  1. Frenchy

    Frenchy Guest

    John Cleese's Letter to the US

    To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
    failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
    yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
    effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
    monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
    Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
    of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
    borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
    elections.

    Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
    circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the
    transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced
    with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
    look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
    just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
    skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
    Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
    letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
    'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.
    You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
    correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
    acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
    words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
    unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
    old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
    When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
    language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
    your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
    of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
    really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
    upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
    learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart"
    will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
    regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
    England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
    Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
    Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
    good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
    English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
    Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
    audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
    incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
    but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
    confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
    football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
    may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
    longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
    game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
    (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
    a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
    nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by
    2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
    be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
    fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
    be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
    vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
    handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to
    carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
    national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
    own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
    All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
    driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
    metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
    Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
    humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
    97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
    not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
    potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
    fried in
    animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
    served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
    customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
    tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
    doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
    referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
    will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
    Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the
    exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
    will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
    true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
    Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
    will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the
    former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
    the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US
    gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
    that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
    by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
    someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle
    a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    ensure the acquisition of all revenues due backdated to 1776).

    16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in
    "clear" NOT Nucular.

    Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day
    John Cleese

    >>

    Frenchy
     
    Tags:


  2. jmcquown

    jmcquown Guest

    Frenchy wrote:
    > John Cleese's Letter to the US
    >
    > To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
    > failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
    > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    > independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
    > II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
    > other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.


    Too bad this has been floating around since 2000.

    Jill
     
  3. Frenchy

    Frenchy Guest

    "jmcquown" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > Frenchy wrote:
    >> John Cleese's Letter to the US
    >>
    >> To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
    >> failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
    >> yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    >> independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
    >> II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
    >> other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    >
    > Too bad this has been floating around since 2000.
    >
    > Jill


    Shows I have had my head up my A for a long time <smile>

    First time I had seen it today!

    Frenchy
     
  4. On Thu 10 Feb 2005 04:38:14p, Frenchy wrote in rec.food.cooking:

    > Newsgroups: rec.food.cooking
    > Subject: OT: British Humour
    > From: "Frenchy" <[email protected]>
    >
    > John Cleese's Letter to the US
    >
    > To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
    > failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
    > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
    > effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
    > monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
    > Except Utah, which she does not fancy.


    Probably not altogether a bad thing!

    Wayne
     
  5. [email protected] (Dan Abel) wrote in
    news:[email protected]:

    > In article <[email protected]>, "Frenchy"
    > <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    >> 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
    >> host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
    >> played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware
    >> that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
    >> understandable. Instead of baseball, you will

    >
    > It's a little-known fact, but the "World Series" doesn't refer to
    > the game as being the deciding game for the entire world, but is
    > named after a newspaper called "The World", which originally
    > sponsored the game.


    Then it should be appropriately renamed "The World's Series". I<m
    not going to hold my breath waiting for that though.

    --

    [...] remember when you're feeling very small and insecure,
    How amazingly unlikely is your birth
    And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
    'Cause there's bugger all down 'ere on Earth!

    Monty Python's Universe Song
     
  6. Dan Abel

    Dan Abel Guest

    In article <[email protected]>, "Frenchy"
    <[email protected]> wrote:




    > 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    > event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
    > America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    > your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will



    It's a little-known fact, but the "World Series" doesn't refer to the game
    as being the deciding game for the entire world, but is named after a
    newspaper called "The World", which originally sponsored the game.

    --
    Dan Abel
    Sonoma State University
    AIS
    [email protected]
     
  7. Bob

    Bob Guest

    "Michel Boucher" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > [email protected] (Dan Abel) wrote in
    > news:[email protected]:
    >
    >> In article <[email protected]>, "Frenchy"
    >> <[email protected]> wrote:
    >>
    >>> 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
    >>> host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not
    >>> played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware
    >>> that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is
    >>> understandable. Instead of baseball, you will

    >>
    >> It's a little-known fact, but the "World Series" doesn't refer to
    >> the game as being the deciding game for the entire world, but is
    >> named after a newspaper called "The World", which originally
    >> sponsored the game.

    >
    > Then it should be appropriately renamed "The World's Series". I<m
    > not going to hold my breath waiting for that though.


    But they didn't own it, just sponsored it ... :)
     
  8. "Bob" <Jun[email protected]> wrote in news:xC7Pd.5722$ng6.1160
    @newssvr17.news.prodigy.com:

    >>> It's a little-known fact, but the "World Series" doesn't refer to
    >>> the game as being the deciding game for the entire world, but is
    >>> named after a newspaper called "The World", which originally
    >>> sponsored the game.

    >>
    >> Then it should be appropriately renamed "The World's Series". I<m
    >> not going to hold my breath waiting for that though.

    >
    > But they didn't own it, just sponsored it ... :)


    So, then it should be called "The Series formerly sponsored by the
    World newspaper (RIP)". Calling it the World Series is like calling
    the Manifesto of the Communist Party the Communist Manifesto. It's
    commonly used and misleading.

    --

    [...] remember when you're feeling very small and insecure,
    How amazingly unlikely is your birth
    And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
    'Cause there's bugger all down 'ere on Earth!

    Monty Python's Universe Song
     
  9. Yeff

    Yeff Guest

    On Fri, 11 Feb 2005 10:50:13 -0800, Dan Abel wrote:

    > In article <[email protected]>, "Frenchy"
    > <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >> 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    >> event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
    >> America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
    >> your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will

    >
    >
    > It's a little-known fact, but the "World Series" doesn't refer to the game
    > as being the deciding game for the entire world, but is named after a
    > newspaper called "The World", which originally sponsored the game.


    Snopes is your friend:
    <http://www.snopes.com/business/names/worldseries.asp>

    --

    -Jeff B.
    zoomie at fastmail dot fm
     
  10. sf

    sf Guest

    On 11 Feb 2005 21:01:55 GMT, Michel Boucher
    <[email protected]> wrote:

    >
    > So, then it should be called "The Series formerly sponsored by the
    > World newspaper (RIP)". Calling it the World Series is like calling
    > the Manifesto of the Communist Party the Communist Manifesto. It's
    > commonly used and misleading.


    Sour grapes. Toronto = 2 world series, Montreal = 0

    sf
     
  11. On Fri, 11 Feb 2005 10:50:13 -0800, [email protected] (Dan Abel) wrote:

    >It's a little-known fact, but the "World Series" doesn't refer to the game
    >as being the deciding game for the entire world, but is named after a
    >newspaper called "The World", which originally sponsored the game.


    Well, that's interesting. So, we had corporations sponsoring events
    even before Super Bowl XXXIX (or whatever number we were up to), in
    which we actually saw a sponsor sponsor a sponsor <had shaking>

    Terry "Squeaks" Pulliam Burd
    AAC(F)BV66.0748.CA


    "If the soup had been as hot as the claret, if the claret had been as
    old as the bird, and if the bird's breasts had been as full as the
    waitress's, it would have been a very good dinner."

    -- Duncan Hines

    To reply, replace "spaminator" with "cox"
     
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