OT: Damsel, Ophelia, I Need a Mom

Discussion in 'Food and nutrition' started by Ranee Mueller, Apr 11, 2006.

  1. I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    "if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything has
    to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about), and
    that "she wonders what the story is with this baby." Well the story is
    that we waited to tell all the rest of the family and our distant
    friends (with the exception of our kids' godparents and the woman who
    stays with our kids while we're at the hospital), because we didn't want
    her to feel left out if everyone else knew before her and we just didn't
    want to deal with her rude, self-centered, nasty, cruel and negative
    response. I fear that this will come to a head, and she will hear
    exactly why we waited to tell. She hasn't made the connection between
    her pre-birth attitudes, actions and comments and her post-birth dearth
    of contact with our children. And she has the nerve to complain about
    not seeing them enough. She has never welcomed the birth of any of our
    children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    at hearing about our first.

    Regards,
    Ranee

    Remove do not & spam to e-mail me.

    "She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands." Prov 31:13

    http://arabianknits.blogspot.com/
    http://talesfromthekitchen.blogspot.com/
     
    Tags:


  2. On Tue, 11 Apr 2006 12:06:41 -0700, Ranee Mueller
    <[email protected]> wrote:

    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    >baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    >from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    >"if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    >about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    >drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything has
    >to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about), and
    >that "she wonders what the story is with this baby." Well the story is
    >that we waited to tell all the rest of the family and our distant
    >friends (with the exception of our kids' godparents and the woman who
    >stays with our kids while we're at the hospital), because we didn't want
    >her to feel left out if everyone else knew before her and we just didn't
    >want to deal with her rude, self-centered, nasty, cruel and negative
    >response. I fear that this will come to a head, and she will hear
    >exactly why we waited to tell. She hasn't made the connection between
    >her pre-birth attitudes, actions and comments and her post-birth dearth
    >of contact with our children. And she has the nerve to complain about
    >not seeing them enough. She has never welcomed the birth of any of our
    >children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    >have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    >at hearing about our first.
    >
    > Regards,
    > Ranee
    >


    Aww, Ranee... I'm not Dams or Ophelia but I feel so bad for you. I
    suppose a stranger saying congratulations isn't much, but dammit -
    congratulations! I'm so very happy for you, I really am.

    Your mom obviously has some serious issues and I know how much that
    kind of negativity hurts. I have a father of the same ilk and he can
    put a damper on the most joyous events. It always hurts, even when
    you *know* it's really not about you. No matter how old we get, we're
    still our parents' children and would like their approval.

    Anyway, like I said, I'm really sorry your mom can't share your joy.
    I'm not a huggy kinda gal, but I'd give you a big hug and a shoulder
    to cry on right now if I could :(

    Ms. b
     
  3. Ophelia

    Ophelia Guest

    "Ranee Mueller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    > from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    > "if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    > about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    > drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything has
    > to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about), and
    > that "she wonders what the story is with this baby." Well the story is
    > that we waited to tell all the rest of the family and our distant
    > friends (with the exception of our kids' godparents and the woman who
    > stays with our kids while we're at the hospital), because we didn't want
    > her to feel left out if everyone else knew before her and we just didn't
    > want to deal with her rude, self-centered, nasty, cruel and negative
    > response. I fear that this will come to a head, and she will hear
    > exactly why we waited to tell. She hasn't made the connection between
    > her pre-birth attitudes, actions and comments and her post-birth dearth
    > of contact with our children. And she has the nerve to complain about
    > not seeing them enough. She has never welcomed the birth of any of our
    > children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    > have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    > at hearing about our first.


    Well!!!!!!!!!! You have are most welcome to have a Mom in me:))

    You need to respect your Mom as you well know. However...... I am thrilled
    with your news and if you were my daughter I would be rushing to hug you and
    celebrate your news!

    I have one wonderful grandson and would welcome many more:))

    Please allow me to hug you virtually and know that I would love to hear how
    things are progressing:))))

    O (the other Mom)

    elsinoreatblueyonderdotcodotuk
     
  4. Dan Abel

    Dan Abel Guest

    In article <[email protected]>,
    Ranee Mueller <[email protected]> wrote:

    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    > from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that



    I'm so sad about this, Ranee, but I know that you have other support.

    One of the sadnesses in my life is that my mother never knew any of her
    grandchildren. I have three and my brother has two, but our mother died
    several years before the first was born. I know that she would have
    loved and cherished them.

    --
    Dan Abel
    [email protected]
    Petaluma, California, USA
     
  5. limey

    limey Guest

    "Ranee Mueller" wrote >
    I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby.
    >
    > Regards,
    > Ranee


    Congratulations, Ranee, and best wishes for smooth sailing in the months
    ahead. You have another shoulder and hugs if you need extras!

    Dora
     
  6. The Bubbo

    The Bubbo Guest

    Ranee Mueller wrote:
    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    > from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    > "if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    > about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    > drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything has
    > to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about), and
    > that "she wonders what the story is with this baby." Well the story is
    > that we waited to tell all the rest of the family and our distant
    > friends (with the exception of our kids' godparents and the woman who
    > stays with our kids while we're at the hospital), because we didn't want
    > her to feel left out if everyone else knew before her and we just didn't
    > want to deal with her rude, self-centered, nasty, cruel and negative
    > response. I fear that this will come to a head, and she will hear
    > exactly why we waited to tell. She hasn't made the connection between
    > her pre-birth attitudes, actions and comments and her post-birth dearth
    > of contact with our children. And she has the nerve to complain about
    > not seeing them enough. She has never welcomed the birth of any of our
    > children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    > have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    > at hearing about our first.
    >
    > Regards,
    > Ranee
    >
    > Remove do not & spam to e-mail me.
    >
    > "She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands." Prov 31:13
    >
    > http://arabianknits.blogspot.com/
    > http://talesfromthekitchen.blogspot.com/


    I'm not Dams or Ophelia, but you have my empathy. My mother sounds similar to
    yours. Be strong. I know it's hard and it wears you down but you're doing the
    smart thing and looking for 'mom' where you can find it.

    Take care of yourself.

    --
    ..:Heather:.
    www.velvet-c.com
    Step off, beyotches, I'm the roflpimp!
     
  7. Ranee Mueller <[email protected]> writes:

    >baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    >from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    >"if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    >about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    >drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything has
    >to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about), and
    >that "she wonders what the story is with this baby."


    Having dealt with a difficult mom myself, I can only sympathize.
    I hope she shapes up and realizes what's really important, and soon. In
    the meantime do what you want to do, don't let her spoil anything.
    Good luck with the new baby!

    Stacia
     
  8. Naomi

    Naomi Guest

    x-no-archive: yes


    Siobhan Perricone wrote:
    > On Tue, 11 Apr 2006 12:06:41 -0700, Ranee Mueller
    > <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    > Obviously I don't know the whole story but this is me rambling about the
    > *obligations* of family that go along with the so-called "rights".
    >
    > >children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    > >have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    > >at hearing about our first.

    >
    > If you've spoken to her about the effect her attitude has on you and your
    > family, then you have no obligation to tell this woman anything about your
    > life, I don't care who she is. Family do not get some special right to
    > ruin our happiness just because of accident of birth or adoptions.
    >
    > You *let* her do this to you. You know she's going to do it, but you
    > contact her anyway out of some misplaced sense that you owe her something.
    > You don't. Tell her flat out "This behaviour is no longer acceptible to
    > me. These are the things you won't say to me any more, and this is an
    > attitude that you will not have with me any more, or you will no longer see
    > me." Then make good on the result.


    If that works for you, fine. Some people prefer to maintain a
    relationship with difficult parents for various reasons, including a
    notion of what proper behavior is. You can only keep your side of the
    street clean, as they say, and sometimes you want to be the bigger
    person.

    More practically, cutting off a family member almost always has
    repercussions for other relationships.

    Again, if it works for you, fine, but there are good reasons why it
    doesn't for some people.
     
  9. Denise~*

    Denise~* Guest

    Ranee Mueller wrote:
    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail

    snip

    I'm not sure how valued my opinion is, but I know we have discussed this
    before & I know her actions are distressing to you, but now with the 5th
    child, this should come no surprise to you. Just about each pregnancy
    you have put off telling her. I say grin & bear it, because really, can
    you avoid it? Knowing what you have told me in the past, I'd say no.

    Sorry if I am pragmatic about it, but it seems to be (and has been) your
    reality & dealing with it is the only way to go about it.

    I suggest taking a "matter of fact attitude" and ignore her comments &
    actions, as hard as it can be.
     
  10. Dan Abel

    Dan Abel Guest

    In article <[email protected]>,
    Siobhan Perricone <[email protected]> wrote:

    > On Tue, 11 Apr 2006 12:06:41 -0700, Ranee Mueller
    > <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    > Obviously I don't know the whole story but this is me rambling about the
    > *obligations* of family that go along with the so-called "rights".
    >
    > >children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    > >have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    > >at hearing about our first.

    >
    > If you've spoken to her about the effect her attitude has on you and your
    > family, then you have no obligation to tell this woman anything about your
    > life, I don't care who she is. Family do not get some special right to
    > ruin our happiness just because of accident of birth or adoptions.
    >
    > You *let* her do this to you.


    Thank you for posting about your experience, Siobhan. However, many
    people choose to do it differently. And yes, then they complain.

    People come from different cultures, and they are bound by those
    cultures. If Ranee is lucky, her mother is half the world away from
    her. And yes, we *let* those things happen to us.

    After we were married, my wife and I moved far away from her mother.
    This was a very good decision.

    --
    Dan Abel
    [email protected]
    Petaluma, California, USA
     
  11. Harriet Neal

    Harriet Neal Guest

    Hi Ranee,

    My hugs to you. My step-mother was the same way, she never could say
    anything positive about my achievements. I just sorta didn't let her know
    what was going on in my life, with some minor exceptions. Congratulations
    on the new baby. Our friends we choose & our family is the group we get
    stuck with, if we want to be.

    Harriet & critters.

    She hasn't made the connection between
    > her pre-birth attitudes, actions and comments and her post-birth dearth
    > of contact with our children. And she has the nerve to complain about
    > not seeing them enough. She has never welcomed the birth of any of our
    > children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    > have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    > at hearing about our first.
    >
    > Regards,
    > Ranee
    >
     
  12. "Ranee Mueller" broke some hearts when she wrote...

    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    > from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message


    <snip a sad story>

    Ranee, add me to your list of honorary moms and grandmas who will think of
    you and your dear children from afar, and who will think sadly of a mom who
    chooses to miss the joys of being a grandma.

    Felice
     
  13. Lefty

    Lefty Guest

    "Ranee Mueller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]
    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    > from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    > "if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    > about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    > drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything has
    > to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about), and
    > that "she wonders what the story is with this baby." Well the story is
    > that we waited to tell all the rest of the family and our distant
    > friends (with the exception of our kids' godparents and the woman who
    > stays with our kids while we're at the hospital), because we didn't want
    > her to feel left out if everyone else knew before her and we just didn't
    > want to deal with her rude, self-centered, nasty, cruel and negative
    > response. I fear that this will come to a head, and she will hear
    > exactly why we waited to tell. She hasn't made the connection between
    > her pre-birth attitudes, actions and comments and her post-birth dearth
    > of contact with our children. And she has the nerve to complain about
    > not seeing them enough. She has never welcomed the birth of any of our
    > children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    > have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    > at hearing about our first.
    >
    > Regards,
    > Ranee
    >

    I ain't built right to be a mom, but my daughter told me recently she is
    pregnant (again) and I am thrilled -- so I'll be thrilled for you too. Keep
    the faith, people change, so can your mom.
    --
    Lefty

    Life is for learning
    The worst I ever had was wonderful
     
  14. Dan Abel <[email protected]> writes:
    > Siobhan Perricone <[email protected]> wrote:
    >> <[email protected]> wrote:
    >>
    >> >children, and if I thought I could do it in good conscience, I wouldn't
    >> >have told her about any of our other children after her crappy behavior
    >> >at hearing about our first.

    >>
    >> You *let* her do this to you.


    Some people aren't able to easily dump their mother like she was an
    irritating acquaintance, no matter how badly the mother acts. If you
    can, fine. Good for you. But it's rude and heartless to blame the
    victim here just because they don't do what YOU think they should.

    >People come from different cultures, and they are bound by those
    >cultures. If Ranee is lucky, her mother is half the world away from
    >her. And yes, we *let* those things happen to us.


    >After we were married, my wife and I moved far away from her mother.
    >This was a very good decision.


    Some people can do this. But some can't. My husband is able to
    completely ignore his family (who "deserve" nothing) even when some
    members become ill or die. I couldn't do that and even though I know my
    parents did some horrible things when I was a child, when they each
    became terminally ill I wasn't able to just dump them and go about my
    life being smug in the knowledge that they "deserved" to be abandoned.
    Sorry, but sometimes "deserve" has nothing to do with it, as the movie
    says. We don't know the entire situation here and maybe we should offer
    Ranee understanding instead of judging her, hmm?

    Stacia
     
  15. Naomi

    Naomi Guest

    x-no-archive: yes


    Siobhan Perricone wrote:
    > On 11 Apr 2006 16:52:12 -0700, "Naomi" <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    > >> You *let* her do this to you. You know she's going to do it, but you
    > >> contact her anyway out of some misplaced sense that you owe her something.
    > >> You don't. Tell her flat out "This behaviour is no longer acceptible to
    > >> me. These are the things you won't say to me any more, and this is an
    > >> attitude that you will not have with me any more, or you will no longer see
    > >> me." Then make good on the result.

    > >
    > >If that works for you, fine. Some people prefer to maintain a
    > >relationship with difficult parents for various reasons, including a
    > >notion of what proper behavior is. You can only keep your side of the
    > >street clean, as they say, and sometimes you want to be the bigger
    > >person.
    > >
    > >More practically, cutting off a family member almost always has
    > >repercussions for other relationships.
    > >
    > >Again, if it works for you, fine, but there are good reasons why it
    > >doesn't for some people.

    >
    > Fair enough. On the other hand, is it really good for said other
    > relationships? Obviously YMMV, and everyone has to evaluate their
    > situation, but I think they shoudl do so from a state of understanding that
    > they are *choosing* for whatever reasons, to continue. That, in itself,
    > helps relieve some of the pain of the relationship for a lot of people.


    Sure! You can even pat yourself on the back for taking the high road.
    And it drives some people nuts when they find they can't raise your
    hackles.

    With regard to other relationships, there are only so many times that
    you can put people to the test of choosing between you and someone
    else. Even if you don't set that condition, the other party very well
    might. Even with the best of intentions, it can end up that way. It's
    especially sad when it happens with siblings. I know people who are not
    speaking to brothers and sisters because the parents basically forced a
    choice, and that sucks.

    Anyway, Ranee, congratulations. You have your own family now, and
    that's great.
     
  16. Dan Goodman

    Dan Goodman Guest

    Ranee Mueller wrote:

    > I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    > baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    > from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    > "if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    > about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    > drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything
    > has to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about),
    > and that "she wonders what the story is with this baby." Well the
    > story is that we waited to tell all the rest of the family and our
    > distant friends (with the exception of our kids' godparents and the
    > woman who stays with our kids while we're at the hospital), because
    > we didn't want her to feel left out if everyone else knew before her
    > and we just didn't want to deal with her rude, self-centered, nasty,
    > cruel and negative response. I fear that this will come to a head,
    > and she will hear exactly why we waited to tell. She hasn't made the
    > connection between her pre-birth attitudes, actions and comments and
    > her post-birth dearth of contact with our children. And she has the
    > nerve to complain about not seeing them enough. She has never
    > welcomed the birth of any of our children, and if I thought I could
    > do it in good conscience, I wouldn't have told her about any of our
    > other children after her crappy behavior at hearing about our first.


    I would probably have been better off if my mother had cut off
    communication with her mother before I was born. And she would
    _certainly_ have been better off.

    But my grandmother was noticeably worse than your mother.


    --
    Dan Goodman
    All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies.
    John Arbuthnot (1667-1735), Scottish writer, physician.
    Journal http://dsgood.livejournal.com
    Clutterers Anonymous unofficial community
    http://community.livejournal.com/clutterers_anon/
    Decluttering http://decluttering.blogspot.com
    Predictions and Politics http://dsgood.blogspot.com
    Links http://del.icio.us/dsgood
     
  17. Debbie

    Debbie Guest

    Ranee Mueller wrote:
    >> I finally sent the email to the family that we are having another
    >> baby. As expected, there was immediately a message on our voice mail
    >> from my mom with her huge sigh, depressed voice and dour message that
    >> "if this is what will make you and your family happy," "she's worried
    >> about the baby" (why, I don't know, except that she likes to create
    >> drama for herself and keep worried, and that she believes everything
    >> has to be about her, so she makes things up to be distressed about),
    >> and that "she wonders what the story is with this baby."


    <snip>

    Congratulations Ranee! Sometimes you just need to put set aside the
    negative comments. It is hard I know. However, you have an upcoming
    blessed event to occupy your mind which should help! When is your family
    going to graced with the birth of the new babe?


    --

    Debbie

    (Email account is valid but one I do not check. To email use above
    name dot neill at sympatico dot ca)
     
  18. Siobhan Perricone wrote:

    > On Tue, 11 Apr 2006 19:44:45 GMT, "Ophelia" <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    > >You need to respect your Mom as you well know.

    >
    > I just don't agree with this. After children reach a certain age, parents
    > have to earn respect, just like anyone else. Being mom is not a license

    to
    > make your children miserable, and it does not mean they have to sit back
    > and take it.



    Someone once said, "Giving up hope in toxic situations is one of the
    healthiest things one can do..."

    --
    Best
    Greg
     
  19. Serene

    Serene Guest

    On Tue, 11 Apr 2006 18:19:56 -0400, Siobhan Perricone
    <[email protected]> wrote:

    >On Tue, 11 Apr 2006 19:44:45 GMT, "Ophelia" <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    >>You need to respect your Mom as you well know.

    >
    >I just don't agree with this. After children reach a certain age, parents
    >have to earn respect, just like anyone else. Being mom is not a license to
    >make your children miserable, and it does not mean they have to sit back
    >and take it.


    I'm with you.

    serene
     
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