OT: Door-to-Door Religion



"jmcquown" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> The Ranger wrote:
> > I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> > has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> > into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> > please.")
> >
> > So what greets me at 9:00 a.m. early one fine morning - after a
> > truly enjoyable evening at a local pub the previous night? Three
> > spiffily-dressed females - the matriarch, the daughter, and the
> > daughter's daughter - all light-and-sunshine wishing to share with
> > me "The Watch Tower for the Spanish speaking residents of my
> > neighborhood."
> >
> > Three things occurred before, during, and after this greeting:
> > 1) I wasn't happy about being forced out of bed and looked it.
> > (The multiple raps and two rounds of doorbell chimes assured
> > that.)
> >
> > 2) I don't think there are any large pockets of native
> > Spanish-speakers for several miles, let alone behind my
> > double-door entry. (I mentioned this hoping to close off any
> > conversations that were expected from me.)
> >
> > And
> >
> > 3) Why is it so difficult for this particular cult to understand
> > "No thank you," especially during the holidays?
> >
> > Perhaps the more enlightened of this esteemed group would care to
> > help this heathen understand this particular group's sociopathic
> > needs at conversion?
> >
> > ObWarning: A banger and fries doesn't cover three pints of
> > Guinness and two shots of Jameson's.
> >
> > The Ranger
>
> Reminds me of the Father/Son Baptists who knocked on my door a few years
> ago. "We'd like to welcome you to our church!" I was trying to be polite
> so I said sorry, I already belong to a church. [Note: I don't] Then they
> started playing a guessing game, "Oh, which one? Bellevue? Forest Hill?"
> They *assumed* I was Baptist. There's there first mistake LOL I decided
to
> spare them the agony and said (untruthfully), "Sorry, I'm CATHOLIC." [I'm
> not.] They literally backed away from my door. I wouldn't have been
> surprised if they'd forked the sign of the devil at me as they hastened
> away.
>
> I need to put up a sign like Nancy1 has. No solitications. Don't try to
> sell me magazines or religion, thank you very much. Ed McMahon or his
> equivalent bringing me a check for $1,000,000 USD will be welcomed ;)
>
> Jill
>
> "I a Neo Druid, every Saturday night I sacrifice a virgin in the back of
my van...would you care to join me? "

Works!!!

Hubert Liverman
 
"hubert liverman" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:eek:[email protected]...
>
> "jmcquown" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> > The Ranger wrote:
> > > I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> > > has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> > > into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> > > please.")
> > >
> > > So what greets me at 9:00 a.m. early one fine morning - after a
> > > truly enjoyable evening at a local pub the previous night? Three
> > > spiffily-dressed females - the matriarch, the daughter, and the
> > > daughter's daughter - all light-and-sunshine wishing to share with
> > > me "The Watch Tower for the Spanish speaking residents of my
> > > neighborhood."
> > >
> > > Three things occurred before, during, and after this greeting:
> > > 1) I wasn't happy about being forced out of bed and looked it.
> > > (The multiple raps and two rounds of doorbell chimes assured
> > > that.)
> > >
> > > 2) I don't think there are any large pockets of native
> > > Spanish-speakers for several miles, let alone behind my
> > > double-door entry. (I mentioned this hoping to close off any
> > > conversations that were expected from me.)
> > >
> > > And
> > >
> > > 3) Why is it so difficult for this particular cult to understand
> > > "No thank you," especially during the holidays?
> > >
> > > Perhaps the more enlightened of this esteemed group would care to
> > > help this heathen understand this particular group's sociopathic
> > > needs at conversion?
> > >
> > > ObWarning: A banger and fries doesn't cover three pints of
> > > Guinness and two shots of Jameson's.
> > >
> > > The Ranger
> >
> > Reminds me of the Father/Son Baptists who knocked on my door a few years
> > ago. "We'd like to welcome you to our church!" I was trying to be
polite
> > so I said sorry, I already belong to a church. [Note: I don't] Then
they
> > started playing a guessing game, "Oh, which one? Bellevue? Forest
Hill?"
> > They *assumed* I was Baptist. There's there first mistake LOL I
decided
> to
> > spare them the agony and said (untruthfully), "Sorry, I'm CATHOLIC."
[I'm
> > not.] They literally backed away from my door. I wouldn't have been
> > surprised if they'd forked the sign of the devil at me as they hastened
> > away.
> >
> > I need to put up a sign like Nancy1 has. No solitications. Don't try
to
> > sell me magazines or religion, thank you very much. Ed McMahon or his
> > equivalent bringing me a check for $1,000,000 USD will be welcomed ;)
> >
> > Jill
> >
> > "I am a Neo Druid, every Saturday night I sacrifice a virgin in the back
of
> my van...would you care to join me? "
>
> Works!!!
>
> Hubert Liverman
>
> OOOOPPPSSS.....I did not mean you Jill.....just a line that I have used.

Embarassed!!
Hubert
>
 
Michael "Dog3" Lonergan wrote:

> Why didn't you grab the meat cleaver from the kitchen before going to the
> door? I'm sure arriving at the door in a shortie robe with cleaver in
hand
> would have gotten the point across quite nicely ;)


When bothered by the ocassional door - to - door solicitor I find that
giving them a bg smile and loudly saying "Would you blow me?" makes them
skedaddle...

--
Best
Greg
 
"Gregory Morrow"
<[email protected]> looking for
trouble wrote in
news:[email protected]:

>
> Michael "Dog3" Lonergan wrote:
>
>> Why didn't you grab the meat cleaver from the kitchen before going to
>> the door? I'm sure arriving at the door in a shortie robe with
>> cleaver in
> hand
>> would have gotten the point across quite nicely ;)
>
>
> When bothered by the ocassional door - to - door solicitor I find that
> giving them a bg smile and loudly saying "Would you blow me?" makes
> them skedaddle...
>

The *only* people that ignore the solicitation signs at the Glenhaven
entrance gate are the Boy Scouts. When I was really, really, sick a couple
of years ago, and convalescing at home, I bought a pizza just to get rid
of the kid. I figured if the kid didn't run off at the sight of my 128
pound body, discheveled hair, and jammies, he deserved the sale.

Steven almost skinned me alive when I got better. Yep. He stored that
info into his cranial rolodex for over a year, just to let me have it
later. Of course, when I pointed out the child itself was not responsible
for BSA policy he backed down. I eventually won the argument and he had to
take me to dinner;) Steven loves children. I love food.

Michael

--
Pics aren't great but here are 2 of my 4 brats.
Hoot about to ****** the snack out of my mouth:
http://tinypic.com/jtrw3o.jpg

Ramsey ever curious about electronics breaking into the TMobile bag:
http://tinypic.com/jtrwgn.jpg
 
The Ranger wrote:
> I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> please.")

> The Ranger

Jesus Loves you man!

my Bible tells me so
 
"Lisa Ann" <[email protected]> wrote in
news:[email protected]:

> I'm all for religious tolerance, but I don't think that requires
> me to be tolerant in my own home.

Tolerance, like charity, begins at home :->

--

"When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why
the poor have no food, they call me a communist."

Dom Helder Camara
 
"The Ranger" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:eek:[email protected]...
> I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> please.")
>
> So what greets me at 9:00 a.m. early one fine morning - after a
> truly enjoyable evening at a local pub the previous night? Three
> spiffily-dressed females - the matriarch, the daughter, and the
> daughter's daughter - all light-and-sunshine wishing to share with
> me "The Watch Tower for the Spanish speaking residents of my
> neighborhood."
>
> Three things occurred before, during, and after this greeting:
> 1) I wasn't happy about being forced out of bed and looked it.
> (The multiple raps and two rounds of doorbell chimes assured
> that.)
>
> 2) I don't think there are any large pockets of native
> Spanish-speakers for several miles, let alone behind my
> double-door entry. (I mentioned this hoping to close off any
> conversations that were expected from me.)
>
> And
>
> 3) Why is it so difficult for this particular cult to understand
> "No thank you," especially during the holidays?
>
> Perhaps the more enlightened of this esteemed group would care to
> help this heathen understand this particular group's sociopathic
> needs at conversion?
>
> ObWarning: A banger and fries doesn't cover three pints of
> Guinness and two shots of Jameson's.
>
> The Ranger

About three years ago I was recovering from painful shoulder surgery. Hubby
was off playing golf, and I decided to take a shower. I struggled out of my
robe and had no sooner hung it up on the bathroom door hook when the front
doorbell rang. So (muttering a few choice words under my breath), I did the
one-arm struggle back into the robe, zipped it up, and went to answer the
door. On the way out of the bathroom, my robe got caught on the doorknob.
Talk about a sudden stop! So, muttering a few more choice words, I yanked
the robe free and answered the door to two JWs. Amazingly they didn't stay
long - they just shoved an "Awake" and a "Watchtower" into my hand and left.

That's when I discovered my robe was open from the navel on down. When I
yanked my robe loose from the doorknob, I'd unknowingly pulled open the
zipper. Guess that explains why the JWs were last seen running up the
street screaming "I'm blind! I'm blind!"

I recommend this strategy highly...I haven't seen them since.

Karen
 
The Ranger wrote:
> I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> please.")
>
> So what greets me at 9:00 a.m. early one fine morning - after a
> truly enjoyable evening at a local pub the previous night? Three
> spiffily-dressed females - the matriarch, the daughter, and the
> daughter's daughter - all light-and-sunshine wishing to share with
> me "The Watch Tower for the Spanish speaking residents of my
> neighborhood."
>
> Three things occurred before, during, and after this greeting:
> 1) I wasn't happy about being forced out of bed and looked it.
> (The multiple raps and two rounds of doorbell chimes assured
> that.)

WTF is up with that? If I don't answer the door on the second ring, I
ain't coming people. I once had a solicitor *beat* on my door.

>
> 2) I don't think there are any large pockets of native
> Spanish-speakers for several miles, let alone behind my
> double-door entry. (I mentioned this hoping to close off any
> conversations that were expected from me.)
>
> And
>
> 3) Why is it so difficult for this particular cult to understand
> "No thank you," especially during the holidays?

It's not just them. It's anybody who thinks their religion is *right*
or *better* and others' are wrong. It's the freaking fundies too. My
Mom's helper (age 12) told me all about how a Christian High School
would be better because of the kind of people who go there, vs. the
public High School. I can't believe people are actually teaching thier
kids this kind of ****.

OB: food. I gave DS some milk in his sippy cup this AM and he replied
(with a lot of gusto) "Mmmmm! Good Baba!" I am running upstairs to
make some scrambeled eggs and crusty Italian toast...Mmmmm!

-L.
 
Michael "Dog3" Lonergan wrote:
<snip>

> If you answer the door, you're screwed. That is the basic explanation. As
> soon as one, or all, of them opens the mouth they close off all
> communication from the party they are trying to convey their 'message' to,
> or worse yet, glean a donation from.

I just open the door and tell them I'm Unitarian and I find
proselytization offensive. I then ask them to get off my property.
And I shut the door. Then they leave. :)

-L.
 
"-L." <[email protected]> wrote

> WTF is up with that? If I don't answer the door on the second ring, I
> ain't coming people.

Tsk. My lawn guy did that once, I was sick and sleeping, he
kept ringing and ringing the doorbell, finally I painfully dragged
myself to the door, he's like, I kept ringing! like it's some kind
of law, you must answer the door.

I have an idea, leave a damn bill in the door, ya knucklehead,
you know I'm not going to have the cash, you have to come
back anyway. (he collects once a year, sorry, I don't keep
upwards of a thousand dollars lying around in case he shows up,
and he knows that)

I don't get it, after two rings, take a hint.

nancy
 
Mr Tibbs wrote:
> The Ranger wrote:
>
>>I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
>>has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
>>into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
>>please.")
>
>
>>The Ranger
>
>
> Jesus Loves you man!
>
> my Bible tells me so
>

I read that book! The main character died in the middle...I don't get it!

Bubba

--
You wanna measure or you wanna cook?
 
The Ranger wrote:
> I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> please.")
>
> So what greets me at 9:00 a.m. early one fine morning - after a
> truly enjoyable evening at a local pub the previous night? Three
> spiffily-dressed females - the matriarch, the daughter, and the
> daughter's daughter - all light-and-sunshine wishing to share with
> me "The Watch Tower for the Spanish speaking residents of my
> neighborhood."
>
> Three things occurred before, during, and after this greeting:
> 1) I wasn't happy about being forced out of bed and looked it.
> (The multiple raps and two rounds of doorbell chimes assured
> that.)
>
> 2) I don't think there are any large pockets of native
> Spanish-speakers for several miles, let alone behind my
> double-door entry. (I mentioned this hoping to close off any
> conversations that were expected from me.)
>
> And
>
> 3) Why is it so difficult for this particular cult to understand
> "No thank you," especially during the holidays?
>
> Perhaps the more enlightened of this esteemed group would care to
> help this heathen understand this particular group's sociopathic
> needs at conversion?
>
> ObWarning: A banger and fries doesn't cover three pints of
> Guinness and two shots of Jameson's.
>
> The Ranger

I just ask them thier churches stance (with details) on oral sex. They
usually go away.

Bubba

--
You wanna measure or you wanna cook?
 
In article <[email protected]>,
Marcella Peek <[email protected]> wrote:
>In article <[email protected]>,
> "Ida Detroit" <[email protected]> wrote:
>
>> The secret word when dealing with the witness' is "Disfellowshipped'.
>> Open your door 1 inch and tell them you have been Disfellowshipped.
>> They will flee and never return again. It is their equivilent of
>> ex-communicated.
>
>Handing them a Book of Mormon in exchange for their Watchtower works
>too. It's amazingly effective. Then you can save the Watchtower for
>the other ones.

I've been tempted to use the Satanic Verses.

I've also been tempted (if it's a female) to make some lewd
proposition and insist on her compliance as payment for giving her
an audience, but I've never had the nerve. If she has a young
daughter in tow, a threesome would be required.

My mother handled these people pretty well, giving them a stern
lecture on how evil they are for involving their young children
in their massive insecurity about their faith, an insecurity that
compels them to proselytize a corrupt dogma to others.

-A
 
In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] (axlq)
wrote:

> In article <[email protected]>,
> OmManiPadmeOmelet <[email protected]> wrote:
> >Give them this next time:
> >
> >~~ "We Are the Other People" ~~
>
> I'm interested to know how your Yahweh peddlers react to all that.
>
> -A

Haven't had a chance to pull it yet. ;-)
My front door is inside the fenced area of the yard, and most folks are
intimidated by the loose Border Collie.

She would lick them to death, but they don't know that......
--
Om.

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." -Jack Nicholson
 
In article <[email protected]>, cuhulain__98
@yahoo.com says...
> I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> please.")
>
> So what greets me at 9:00 a.m. early one fine morning - after a
> truly enjoyable evening at a local pub the previous night? Three
> spiffily-dressed females - the matriarch, the daughter, and the
> daughter's daughter - all light-and-sunshine wishing to share with
> me "The Watch Tower for the Spanish speaking residents of my
> neighborhood."
>
> Three things occurred before, during, and after this greeting:
> 1) I wasn't happy about being forced out of bed and looked it.
> (The multiple raps and two rounds of doorbell chimes assured
> that.)
>
> 2) I don't think there are any large pockets of native
> Spanish-speakers for several miles, let alone behind my
> double-door entry. (I mentioned this hoping to close off any
> conversations that were expected from me.)
>
> And
>
> 3) Why is it so difficult for this particular cult to understand
> "No thank you," especially during the holidays?
>
> Perhaps the more enlightened of this esteemed group would care to
> help this heathen understand this particular group's sociopathic
> needs at conversion?
>
> ObWarning: A banger and fries doesn't cover three pints of
> Guinness and two shots of Jameson's.
>
> The Ranger
>

The best way to deal with these cretins is to literally shock them. The
shock can be in the form of an admission that you:

a) worship the dark lord
b) Are gay and loving it
c) Don't believe in god
d) Anything else you can imagine that would be repulsive to these folks.

or by demonstration:

a) Keeping a black robe with an inverted red cross stitched into it
handy for such occasions, while wearing absolutely nothing underneath.
This is a double whammy.
b) If you are in fact gay, getting down with your partner, trick of the
night, what have you is also a good attention getter. Hell, this works
even if you aren't gay. Nothing more than a good sex show to foul up the
script.
c) Disbelief in god can be proven in several ways, most notably by
handing out your own secular humanistic tracts.
d) Slamming the door in their face. This seems to be the most effective.
 
In article <[email protected]>,
[email protected] says...
>
> "Nancy1" <[email protected]> wrote in message
> news:[email protected]...
> >
> > Nancy Young wrote:
> >> "Nancy1" <[email protected]> wrote
> >>
> >> > I have a very small sign right by my doorbell. It says, "No
> >> > soliciting; no sales, including charities; no surveys; no
> >> > petitions."
> >> >
> >> > Since I put it up, the only person I wasn't expecting who has rung
> >> > my
> >> > doorbell was the mailman. I may miss my chance with the knight on
> >> > the
> >> > white horse, but it's worth it. Ah, peace.
> >>
> >> Perhaps you could add a sign, Mounties Welcome? Just sayin.
> >>
> >> More towns around here have been banning door to door sales,
> >> most recently it lead to the death of an elderly woman. They ship
> >> these people in from who knows where, put them up in some cheapo
> >> airport hotel and drop them off to sell magazine subscriptions door
> >> to
> >> door. Scary. Let's just say these aren't members of the high school
> >> honor society.
> >>
> >> And not Mounties, either.
> >>
> >> nancy
> >
> > LOL. We have lots and lots of charities going door to door, not to
> > mention the school kids. Before I put my tasteful little sign up, I,
> > too, would not answer if I wasn't expecting anyone ... but if I didn't
> > answer the doorbell within a few seconds, whoever was there would open
> > my storm door and pound on the inside door like they had some
> > emergency.
> > It just irritated the heck out of me. The door IS just like the phone
> > - it's mine to use or not, as I see fit.
>
> I have a security camera on my front door. If I don't like the look of
> the caller I don't answer!

Now all you need is the trapdoor into the dungeon. The word would get
out quickly that yours isn't a place to approach without extreme
trepidation. :)
 
"Nancy1" <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
>
> The Ranger wrote:
> > I'm a secular man. I would like to think that my extended family
> > has covered enough major religions to guarantee my safe passage
> > into the great void by default. ("Ranger? Seating right this way,
> > please.")
> >
> I feel for ya.
>
> I have a very small sign right by my doorbell. It says, "No
> soliciting; no sales, including charities; no surveys; no petitions."
>
> Since I put it up, the only person I wasn't expecting who has rung my
> doorbell was the mailman. I may miss my chance with the knight on the
> white horse, but it's worth it. Ah, peace.
>
> N.
>

Different strokes. When I have time, I ask them in and we have a discussion.
When I don't have time, I might answer and ask them to come back later.

My religious views are generally private, but I enjoy discussions on faith
and philosophy.

Nobody's doing any harm in coming to my door wanting to talk about faith.


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In article <[email protected]>,
[email protected] says...
> In article <[email protected]>,
> The Ranger <[email protected]> wrote:
>
> > Perhaps the more enlightened of this esteemed group would care to
> > help this heathen understand this particular group's sociopathic
> > needs at conversion?
> >
> > ObWarning: A banger and fries doesn't cover three pints of
> > Guinness and two shots of Jameson's.
> >
> > The Ranger
>
> Give them this next time:
>
> ~~ "We Are the Other People" ~~

Thank you for reminding me of all this. Part of my being rabidly anti-
relgion is twelve years of Catholic schools. Now don't get me wrong, I
don't think Catholic schools are bad, I highly recommend them. But they
do induce a strong streak of cynicism in youngsters if they do it right.

Luckily I had a cynical former monk with whom we disected the Bible in
my junior year of high school. All the points you make were made then,
I'd since forgotten most of it.

This one got saved for future reference.
 
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