HOW TO [censored] AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our
cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try
to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK [censored] is inevitable. For those who
hate
pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
* CROP DUSTING - When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has
been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.
* FLY BY - The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
* ESCAPEE - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing
a [censored] in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it
did
not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend
you
did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all
involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
* JAILBREAK - When forcing a [censored], several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom
to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
* COURTESY FLUSH - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the [censored] hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the [censored] has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
* WALK OF SHAME - Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that
the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
* OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER - A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom
with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the
Out
Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
* THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) - A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group
can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify
SAFE HAVENS.
* SAFE HAVENS - A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
* TURD BURGLAR - Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a [censored] at work. If this occurs, remain in
the
stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all
uncomfortable
eye contact.
* CAMO-COUGH - A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to
alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.
* ASTAIRE - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper
can [censored] in peace.
* WATERMELON - A [censored] that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. >
* HAVANAOMELET - A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
with
an Astaire.
* UNCLE TED - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
Uncle
Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait
to [censored] when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees.
*POOPAROID - A bathroom user who is compelled to photograph and then email
his handiwork via his/her cell phone before it goes down the pipes.