Roadie Definitions!

Discussion in 'Road Cycling' started by Flyer, Feb 28, 2005.

  1. Flyer

    Flyer Banned

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    "I'm out of shape"
    Translation: I ride 400 miles a week and I haven't missed a day since the Ford administration. I replace my 11-tooth cog more often than you wash your underwear. My body fat percentage is lower than your mortgage rate.

    "I'm not into competition"
    Translation: I will attack you until you collapse into the gutter, babbling and whimpering as if you'rve been watching Celebrity Poker. I will win the town-line sprint even if I have to hook you into oncoming traffic. I will crest this hill first even if I have to grab your seat post, spray an energy drink into your eyes or ask you how to program my DVD player.


    "I am on my beater bike today"
    Translation: I had this baby custom-made in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope. I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared. It weighs less than a popcorn fart and costs more than a divorce.

    "It's not that hilly"
    Translation: This climb last longer than a presidential campaign. Be careful on the steeper sections or you'll fall over----backwards. Oh, you have a 39x23 low gear? Here's the name of my knee sugeon.

    "You're doing great honey"
    Translation: Yo, lardo, I'd like to get home before midnight. This is what you get for spenting the winter watching football and gobbling sausages. I shoulda married that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.

    "This is a no drop ride"
    Translation: I'll need an article of your clothing. It's for the search-and-rescue dogs.

    "It's not that far"
    Translation: Yes, it is.
     
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  2. birdman23

    birdman23 New Member

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    Those are great Flyer! Where did you get those? Me thnks this will be the start of a great new thread.
     
  3. Ruff_Ryder

    Ruff_Ryder New Member

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    lol thats good man. they are incredibly accurate.
     
  4. ozintokyo

    ozintokyo New Member

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    :p Brilliant - a nice chuckle when I really needed one - thanks!
     
  5. Flyer

    Flyer Banned

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    "We don't dope. We prepare for races." former USPO & National TT Champion


    "It just like NASCAR---we top off our levels when we pit" retired Team Saturn star.


    "How many wasps do you recommend?" Johan Museeuw referring to his araNesp EPO medications.

    "It ain't doping unless you test positive"----Willy Voet.

    "Listen, I'm 29 years old, which means I have four to five years to earn some money with the professionals. I've said this to the doctor and I'll say it to you; don't worry about the odd injection. I know how it all works, I understand the system. There's no need to ask any questions with me." Pascal Herve.

    "I don't know what cheating is" Barry Bonds, Nike athlete.

    "There is a perception, real or imagined, that there is no other choice than to dope." Dr. Gary Wadler, US Open Tennis Tournament Doctor.

    "Everybody else is doing it, and not just the sports stars." Dr. David Black, Tennessee Drug Testing Lab Director & toxicologist.

    "Jose Conseco is just trying to make a buck"---Barry Bonds. As contrasted by steroid abusers who try and make a bigger buck?
     
  6. tcklyde

    tcklyde New Member

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    "I am on my beater bike today"

    That's my favorite. Very funny, Flyer!
     
  7. mjolnir2k

    mjolnir2k New Member

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    Couldn't resist the urge to get a doping post in this one too, huh? You should seek immediate psychological counseling.
     
  8. Flyer

    Flyer Banned

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    I wouldn't want to dig into your Prozac reserves---you need everything that Pfizer can throw at you---and Lance's Bristol Meyer Squib meds too.
     
  9. cannonman

    cannonman New Member

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    Thats funny right there...I aint shittin' ya
     
  10. Powerful Pete

    Powerful Pete New Member

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    Excellent! :D

    Hilarious! I needed that (really crummy day at the office and the fourth week of unseasonably freezing weather here). :(
     
  11. Flyer

    Flyer Banned

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    And around the bend comes; "Charley Horse!"
    What does horse racing, betting, trainers and doping have to do with definitions?

    Apparently, a lot. The USA pony racing & gambling industry is in turmoil.

    Apparently, handicapping horses has morphed from the animal to the unscrupulous trainer who dopes the horse.

    It turns out that the winning trainers are the greater predicter than are the ponies themselves.

    Does that parallel human powered sports?

    Gov. Ernie Fletcher of Kentucky has reconstituted the Horse Racing Authority, and the new Board has voted to reduce the number of medications a horse may have in its system--post race.

    Busted trainers Jeff Mullins, Julio Canani, Adam Kitchingman & Vladimir Cerin have had their ponies put in detention---and their winning records go away.
    Just a 24 detention = poor performances!

    As a practical matter this is a very small step---but given that horse & dog racing has been Open Class it represents a shift in regulation (from none to a little tiny bit)

    Nobody cares about these animals---rather it is the fear that bettors might lose interest if it were revealed that it is the chemicals and doping that were the real focus of the stakes. (this was proven in California when they impounded dominant winning horses for 24 hours---then watched them race---losing every time)

    Again, it is the money flow-----or shinking of the financial pie that promotes change. This is the only way that cycling can improve---that is to scare away more corporate sponsors----and only then will the sport adopt much more aggressive measures, and budget billions vrs a few million to year-round controls--that will reduce doping.

    It won't stop it--but it might just save a few lives.

    It may take horses and gaming to influence cycling.
     
  12. Flyer

    Flyer Banned

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    Great moments in Doper/Cheater History

    http://outside.away.com/outside/bodywork/200311/200311_drug_test_11.html


    Doping has been around long before Lance Armstrong--and it will advance further even after he leaves both the sport and the Parmaceutical Industry.


    From strychnine & brandy to EPO, HGH, insulin, Nandrolone, Synacten delayed (cortisone time release) to the Belgian Mix, to HBOCs to caffeine suppositories to kidney transplant boosters and TUEs, doping and the practice of using athletes as drug research guinea pigs is here to stay.

    Doping or rejuvenation? It's all about the "definitions"
     
  13. hilljunkie

    hilljunkie New Member

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    Well flyer congrats on killing what started out as a great post with all your redundant doping posts. The first definitions post was good. too bad there weren't anymore posts like them. Anyway thanks for the chuckle. I needed it after going on a "not very hilly" ride and having to see the knee doc after.
     
  14. Flyer

    Flyer Banned

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    Glad you enjoyed the post--in its entirety. Since I gave birth to it, I feel I can enhance it at will.

    Nowhere are the definitions more absurd than in the widespread practice of performance doping.

    Those PED definitions are as serious as a heart attack.

    Be well.
     
  15. mjolnir2k

    mjolnir2k New Member

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    Because that's all he can do...everything he posts has an agenda and none of it is for the health and well being of the sport. He is a tired little man with a myopic view of life. Everyone is on dope except him and he's here to spread the gospel.

    He is incapable of making or responding to a post without his soap box. :rolleyes:
     
  16. Flyer

    Flyer Banned

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    Definition # 2443 & 2444:

    De Nile is a river that runs through Africa.

    Denial and drug addiction are linked.

    Get help soon.
     
  17. chrispopovic

    chrispopovic New Member

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    Here's a few from Western PA and the group of guys I ride with.

    "OK, everybody in their 25, let's just keep this climb nice and friendly."
    Translation: As soon as you all go into a mind-numbing lull I'm attacking your ass on this hill.

    "This is the fourth day in a row, I've been riding."
    Translation: I was at happy hour until 9:00 pm and I'm sweating Ouzo.

    "Happy hour was rough last night."
    Translation: Happy hour started at four and I didn't get home until after midnight.

    "It's not so bad out here."
    Translation: As long as the roads are dry, I don't care that it's 20 degrees. Damnit, we're riding.

    "This hill's not too bad."
    Translation: Just cough up a lung now, this one is going to kill you.

    "Now it gets steep."
    Translation: Throw away all ballast. Forget looking at your heart rate monitor. We're going vertical.

    "Thanks for pointing out that pothole."
    Translation: The next time you forget to call out a hazard, we're going to throw a tire pump in your spokes."

    "I'm just going out to spin for awhile."
    Translation: I'm doing 60 miles, just have dinner without me and put the kids to bed on your own. My wife really loves this one.

    "It wasn't that expensive."
    Translation: We may have to consider selling a child to pay for my new Litespeed. Also a favorite of my wife's.

    "I have a morning appointment near my house."
    Translation: I'm getting in 40 miles before work today. My boss caught on to this one last year.

    "I have an afternoon appointment near my house."
    Translation: That would be 40 more after work. The really bad part for me is that my boss lives a half mile from me and I pass his house on the way home.

    Pleas add yours...
     
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