Science Schmience, Power Shmower!

Discussion in 'Power Training' started by Hugh Juunit, Mar 16, 2012.

  1. Hugh Juunit

    Hugh Juunit Member

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    I figure that I am pretty smart with the math and the psychics stuff after almost completing high school years ago. I still find all the power gobbledygook pretty confusing. Here you all are trying to use science to improve your power and make you faster. I was always told that power comes from determination and will to win, but I figure that I could give the scientific approach a try.

    So I know this guy who claims to be a good bicycler. The other day I start talking with him, I tell him "I am a good bicycler myself, but I hear that I can be even better if I use science." Well this gets him going and he starts talking about training plans, equipment and racing. I was totally lost when he started talking about racing this one cat - "What the hell, I don't want to race pets I just want to go fast?" I say to him.

    "If you want to go fast, you need to develop your power" he says. "I have a lot of power," I say. He was not convinced and said that I need to have it measured. He showed me this yellow hub on his rear wheel and an over sized bike computer. "This is a power meter," he says, "it will quantify your work output."

    "Cool enough, can I try it out?" I ask. He and I are pretty much the same size so I figure that I should be able to ride his bike no problem. Granted this looks a lot less cool than my bike and it feels as if I would break something. After some hesitation he hands the bike over. I hear him shout, "Be careful," as I pedal away.

    So now I was pedaling down a quiet street with his bike and the power meter running. Now the science part began. I know that more power was faster, so what was my power? The meter read 200W - "pretty easy" I thought and was not really even working. "Lets see what I can do with this science," I say to myself.

    Speeding up the meter went from 200 to 300 to 400 to 500W and so on. At this point I was not even up to my cruising pace - science was not helping yet. The road was getting to busy as I had to swerve around the traffic. The highway was my next destination. Reaching the highway, I opened it up a bit. The numbers kept climbing and I kept going faster. "This is getting a bit harder - but I have more" I thought as I dodged the slow cars.

    You see this meter cannot read my determination or how I feel, which my mom told me is the true source of power. Today I felt like an animal and needed to let it out. Soon the numbers on the meter just started blinking 9999 - "worthless" I thought. At this point the bike was bending and creaking something awful, my legs were a blur, my leg muscles contracted so tightly they sounded like guitar strings when alternating between the quads, glutes and hamstrings. Now I started breathing a bit harder and was even sweating a bit. I noticed some police cruisers behind me, trying to follow me I figure but they were disappearing in the distance.

    After about 1/2 hour of riding and loosing the cops, I needed to refuel. I did not have a lot of cash. From science, I know I need to maximize the amount of calories put in my system for a minimum amount of dollars. So I stopped by a gas station. Now I bet you are thinking that gasoline offers the best calorie per dollar and you would be right, but from science and past experience I also know that it can be a bit unhealthy.

    Instead I filled my bottle with E-85. I know I can tolerate ethanol in large quantities and its good for cars right? I finished the bottle got on the on ramp and started again. Now I was back up to speed and was feeling even faster - the road was becoming unsafe. So I cut across the local airport and sprinted along the runway. "Those pilots sure do fly their planes slow", I thought as I passed a few taking off.

    After a few minutes, I was feeling funny. Tired from being awesome, I suppose, and maybe a bit from the E-85. My vision blurred and I got dizzy - the cure, I thought, was more speed. At this point the tires were burning up and the bike was beginning to fall apart. In the distance, I saw a white object moving along the road a few feet above it. I worked hard to catch up but could not.

    Well my intestines were getting irritated from my fuel - I had an idea based on science and my supreme intelligence to use my "gas" to go faster. I opened my mouth wide and allowed the air to spill into my lungs and gut. Then I released my flatus which ignited from the sparks of the disintegrating rear wheel. I became the first human ramjet - my speed quickly doubled (the so-called power meter was still just flashing).

    With still blurred vision, propelled by flames, I caught up to the white object. Once I was close enough, I realized it was Charlie Sheen riding a white unicorn. "Greetings from bicycling Valhalla!," he shouted and handed me a golden presta valve cap. Then he was gone.

    At this point I was getting really tired and running out of propulsion. To my left, I eyed another, aged, cyclist. He was barely pedaling and did not appear to be working hard at all. I also noticed that the lowest tooth count on his cassette was 16. "Who are you" I shouted. He replied, "Just an old guy!" as he pedaled on into the distance.

    Screw science - it doesn't even make me as fast as an old guy!
     
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  2. Hugh Juunit

    Hugh Juunit Member

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    After my ride, the bicycle was destroyed, the bikes owner was ticked and I suffered severe burns around my anus. It may be some time before I can pull another story from that region.
     
  3. Jman

    Jman New Member

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    Excellent impersonation!
     
  4. alienator

    alienator Well-Known Member

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    It's a troll, someone who hasn't contributed anything to the forum. It should be pretty damned obvious it's a troll.
     
  5. maydog

    maydog Well-Known Member

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    I found this post entertaining, there are too many posts with endless debate, posters trying to have the last word and being right.

    Not sure that this was his point; but by presenting a completely absurd story filled with hyperbole and irony, he mocked an attitude that is held by a few posters of this site. As a bonus, there is no room for debate - I suppose you could debate the benefits of drinking automotive fuel for performance, but that would be stupid.
     
  6. alienator

    alienator Well-Known Member

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    Review his posts. He's a troll.
     
  7. 64Paramount

    64Paramount Active Member

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    Very funny! /img/vbsmilies/smilies/ROTF.gif
     
  8. swampy1970

    swampy1970 Well-Known Member

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    /img/vbsmilies/smilies/ROTF.gif
     
  9. Dave Cutter

    Dave Cutter Active Member

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    I did, and you're right. He/she is just poking fun, or making fun of cyclist. Although there is a decent bit of humor in the posts he destroyed one thread just making fun of the OPs request.
     
  10. maydog

    maydog Well-Known Member

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    J{rudolph|rstudman}81 was banned for trolling. He used foul language, slurs and verbally attacked well meaning posters. No need to shed tears for him.

    http://www.cyclingforums.com/u/255158/jrudolph81
     
  11. Alex Simmons

    Alex Simmons Member

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    I didn't get past this and so saved some precious seconds of my life I'm guessing.

    I think Juunit should have been Jarse.
     
  12. Alex Simmons

    Alex Simmons Member

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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIdbxahGSwc&feature=player_embedded
     
  13. Hugh Juunit

    Hugh Juunit Member

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    Mr. Jarse is my uncle. Perhaps you have seen my sister around, interestingly enough her name is Hugh as well. She took my mothers maiden last name "Jass". It's very fitting, unlike her clothes.

    (rimshot) I am here all night - seriously - my laptop is by the bed, next to the jergens.
     
  14. ambal

    ambal Active Member

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    It's actually a pretty good read compared to most of the stuff posted on internet forums.
     
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