U
Ubiquitous
Guest
OhgawdOhgawdOhgawd! I think I bust a gut from laughing!
SLop enters with this startled look on her face, until now only seen on Janet
Reno, carrying a piece of angel statuary. As the camera shows her putting it in
the counter in extreme close up, a clumsy post-edit voice-over of her says
"NOW, I'm going to you ALL about the great BAKING we'll be doing today!!".
Apparently she thought this week's ep was "Light and Healthy BAKING". She then
screws up that saying about "eating your cake and having it too" that annoys me
to no end.
When we return from the opening credits, SLop tells us it's going to be a
brilliant day because this ep is all about "Low fat light BAKING!". She places
twelve wontons onto a baking sheet, telling us "You can put the wontons next to
each other b/c they don't rise". But if they did rise, wouldn't that mean that
they grew upward and not sideways? She mixes some "nice" honey with "NICE hot
water" from the sink faucet. She bastes the wontons and then "puts the wontons
back into the oven". Huh?
For a filling, she mixes some "rich and thick and delicious" ricotta cheese
with one cup of low fat sour cream (as she holds the Rachel Ray container in
front of her mouth, a clumsy post-production voice-over "this WHOLE container"
is heard) into a food processor, to which she cuts open, nearly spilling a good
amount of the contents, and then adds, an envelope of instant vanilla pudding
mix and some vanilla extract. Struggling with the food processor, she scoops
the mixture into a bowl and adds some lemon zest so it tastes "nice and fresh
and right out of her garden".
Grabbing a baking sheet on the counter behind her, accompanied by a clumsy
post-production voice-over "Here are some that I made earlier", she assembles
the vaugely-familiar napoleons with nine wontons by alternating wontons with
the filling about three levels high. Strangely enough, I think I've seen that
blue boat-shaped tray before... She confides that she adds vanilla or
strawberry extract to Cool Whip so it tastes homemade. She embellishes a tub of
Rachel Ray Cool Whip, and uses a glad bag to apply a small dollop to the
napoleons, presumably throwing the rest of the Cool Whip away. She deep throats
a large spoonful of the left-over pudding mixture as we bop out to commercial
break.
We return from commercial with SLop telling us this ep is all about "low fat
deserts". I guess someone set her straight. Bringing out another tub of Rachel
Ray Cool Whip, she declares she's going to make the phyllo cups. She opens the
roll of phyllo dough, slaps it onto the counter and roughly rolls it open on
the counter top, telling us to treat it gently because it's fragile.
A post-production voice-over adds "this is light and wonderful pastry".
She sprays PAM on it, makes some cinnamon sugar, sprinkles a pinch over the
dough, adds another layer of dough, sprays it again with PAM, and sprinkles
another layer of cinnamon sugar, topping it off with a final layer of dough.
Using a pizza cutter, she cuts it into eight "square" rectangles and then
stuffs them into a muffin tin, babbling something about how no cup will be
identical in appearance. For some reason she uses half of the muffin tin,
skipping every other one as if it's going to expand when it is baked. She
creates a filling with instant chocolate pudding mix and instant eXpresso,
mixed with a hand mixer on low; otherwise you'll get powder EVERYWHERE. She
pulls out the cups from the oven and fills three with chocolate pudding and
eXpresso mix, using a Glad bag to fill the cups instead of a spoon and then
uses an entire tub of Cool whip in a Glad bag to place a tiny off-center dollop
on each and finally dusting with coco powder. Yes, she threw the rest of both
bags away. SLop then attempts to deep throat one, only to have it audibly
shatter apart in her hands, forcing her to hastily exit stage right. I guess
it's better than because she got third degree burns in her mouth and throat.
When we return from commercial break, SLop talks about how intimidated she was
by making meringues and begins making something. Meringues, I assume. After
whipping the meringues sufficiently, she cries "It's going to be BEAUtiful!"
and she starts uncontrollably licking the RA whipper attachment before dropping
it into the sink. A trick to make perfect meringue cakes, she tells us, is to
place a salad plate on parchment paper and use a pencil to make outlines for
the meringue. With all the solemnity of the Surgeon General, she pauses to tell
us "This is VERY important! I want you to turn the parchment paper upside down
because you do not want to bake on that lead! This is VERY important!" She
spreads the meringue into the shape of the saucer outlines to make disks. She
pops them into the oven for an indeterminate time and says there two type of
fillings. She begins with sugar free and fat free instant lemon pudding mix and
adds milk. SLop is amazed at how fast it begins to "set up". For a second
layer, she takes a new tub of Rachel Ray Cool Whip, described by a series of
clumsy post-production voice-overs as "a. Low-FAT. WHIPPED. Topping.". She
empties half into a bowl and adds some strawberries and strawberry extract (so
it tastes homade?). She assembles the meringue cake by dumping half the pudding
onto a meringue, topping it with another, then dumping some cool whip on top,
topping it with a third meringue, some more pudding, and another meringue and
the rest of the coolwhip. She garnishes it with a sprig of mint, some
strawberries she set aside, and some lemon zest.
When we return from commercial, we can tell by the graphic on the screen that
it's now "Sandra's Cocktail Time!". SL enters with a bottle of port wine.
Psyche! No cocktail time! In its place, she makes a dried fruit compote. She
puts port and sugar into a pan to heat up, then adds a bunch of random dried
fruits and cranberries (because they're worth it!) and boils it. She exclaims
that she loves the fruit because it soaks up the port and sugar and then spoons
out some that is at a roiling boil in a pan over some frozen yogurt which
somehow resists melting into a puddle. Grabbing a couple goblets of the
compote, she moseys over to the table scape at the "kiddie table". Oddly
enough, the tablescape is rather tame, consisting of cloth remnants in this
week's color (lavendar) with fake purple rose petals strewn about. The compote
glasses are set on big silver serving platters like you'd see at King Henry
VIII's dinner. Sandra shows us her "clever" idea of stuffing the napkins into
the lavendar coffee cups on the table before pimping the web site and exiting
with a double baby-claw wave.
--
"Paper plates -- easy to get year round." Sandra Lee, "All American Girl
Party"
SLop enters with this startled look on her face, until now only seen on Janet
Reno, carrying a piece of angel statuary. As the camera shows her putting it in
the counter in extreme close up, a clumsy post-edit voice-over of her says
"NOW, I'm going to you ALL about the great BAKING we'll be doing today!!".
Apparently she thought this week's ep was "Light and Healthy BAKING". She then
screws up that saying about "eating your cake and having it too" that annoys me
to no end.
When we return from the opening credits, SLop tells us it's going to be a
brilliant day because this ep is all about "Low fat light BAKING!". She places
twelve wontons onto a baking sheet, telling us "You can put the wontons next to
each other b/c they don't rise". But if they did rise, wouldn't that mean that
they grew upward and not sideways? She mixes some "nice" honey with "NICE hot
water" from the sink faucet. She bastes the wontons and then "puts the wontons
back into the oven". Huh?
For a filling, she mixes some "rich and thick and delicious" ricotta cheese
with one cup of low fat sour cream (as she holds the Rachel Ray container in
front of her mouth, a clumsy post-production voice-over "this WHOLE container"
is heard) into a food processor, to which she cuts open, nearly spilling a good
amount of the contents, and then adds, an envelope of instant vanilla pudding
mix and some vanilla extract. Struggling with the food processor, she scoops
the mixture into a bowl and adds some lemon zest so it tastes "nice and fresh
and right out of her garden".
Grabbing a baking sheet on the counter behind her, accompanied by a clumsy
post-production voice-over "Here are some that I made earlier", she assembles
the vaugely-familiar napoleons with nine wontons by alternating wontons with
the filling about three levels high. Strangely enough, I think I've seen that
blue boat-shaped tray before... She confides that she adds vanilla or
strawberry extract to Cool Whip so it tastes homemade. She embellishes a tub of
Rachel Ray Cool Whip, and uses a glad bag to apply a small dollop to the
napoleons, presumably throwing the rest of the Cool Whip away. She deep throats
a large spoonful of the left-over pudding mixture as we bop out to commercial
break.
We return from commercial with SLop telling us this ep is all about "low fat
deserts". I guess someone set her straight. Bringing out another tub of Rachel
Ray Cool Whip, she declares she's going to make the phyllo cups. She opens the
roll of phyllo dough, slaps it onto the counter and roughly rolls it open on
the counter top, telling us to treat it gently because it's fragile.
A post-production voice-over adds "this is light and wonderful pastry".
She sprays PAM on it, makes some cinnamon sugar, sprinkles a pinch over the
dough, adds another layer of dough, sprays it again with PAM, and sprinkles
another layer of cinnamon sugar, topping it off with a final layer of dough.
Using a pizza cutter, she cuts it into eight "square" rectangles and then
stuffs them into a muffin tin, babbling something about how no cup will be
identical in appearance. For some reason she uses half of the muffin tin,
skipping every other one as if it's going to expand when it is baked. She
creates a filling with instant chocolate pudding mix and instant eXpresso,
mixed with a hand mixer on low; otherwise you'll get powder EVERYWHERE. She
pulls out the cups from the oven and fills three with chocolate pudding and
eXpresso mix, using a Glad bag to fill the cups instead of a spoon and then
uses an entire tub of Cool whip in a Glad bag to place a tiny off-center dollop
on each and finally dusting with coco powder. Yes, she threw the rest of both
bags away. SLop then attempts to deep throat one, only to have it audibly
shatter apart in her hands, forcing her to hastily exit stage right. I guess
it's better than because she got third degree burns in her mouth and throat.
When we return from commercial break, SLop talks about how intimidated she was
by making meringues and begins making something. Meringues, I assume. After
whipping the meringues sufficiently, she cries "It's going to be BEAUtiful!"
and she starts uncontrollably licking the RA whipper attachment before dropping
it into the sink. A trick to make perfect meringue cakes, she tells us, is to
place a salad plate on parchment paper and use a pencil to make outlines for
the meringue. With all the solemnity of the Surgeon General, she pauses to tell
us "This is VERY important! I want you to turn the parchment paper upside down
because you do not want to bake on that lead! This is VERY important!" She
spreads the meringue into the shape of the saucer outlines to make disks. She
pops them into the oven for an indeterminate time and says there two type of
fillings. She begins with sugar free and fat free instant lemon pudding mix and
adds milk. SLop is amazed at how fast it begins to "set up". For a second
layer, she takes a new tub of Rachel Ray Cool Whip, described by a series of
clumsy post-production voice-overs as "a. Low-FAT. WHIPPED. Topping.". She
empties half into a bowl and adds some strawberries and strawberry extract (so
it tastes homade?). She assembles the meringue cake by dumping half the pudding
onto a meringue, topping it with another, then dumping some cool whip on top,
topping it with a third meringue, some more pudding, and another meringue and
the rest of the coolwhip. She garnishes it with a sprig of mint, some
strawberries she set aside, and some lemon zest.
When we return from commercial, we can tell by the graphic on the screen that
it's now "Sandra's Cocktail Time!". SL enters with a bottle of port wine.
Psyche! No cocktail time! In its place, she makes a dried fruit compote. She
puts port and sugar into a pan to heat up, then adds a bunch of random dried
fruits and cranberries (because they're worth it!) and boils it. She exclaims
that she loves the fruit because it soaks up the port and sugar and then spoons
out some that is at a roiling boil in a pan over some frozen yogurt which
somehow resists melting into a puddle. Grabbing a couple goblets of the
compote, she moseys over to the table scape at the "kiddie table". Oddly
enough, the tablescape is rather tame, consisting of cloth remnants in this
week's color (lavendar) with fake purple rose petals strewn about. The compote
glasses are set on big silver serving platters like you'd see at King Henry
VIII's dinner. Sandra shows us her "clever" idea of stuffing the napkins into
the lavendar coffee cups on the table before pimping the web site and exiting
with a double baby-claw wave.
--
"Paper plates -- easy to get year round." Sandra Lee, "All American Girl
Party"