Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Shitty Wok

Discussion in 'Food and nutrition' started by Ubiquitous, Apr 14, 2006.

  1. Ubiquitous

    Ubiquitous Guest

    SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in
    her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this
    is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very
    special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics
    line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.
    Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why
    she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's
    married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this
    is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP
    AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken
    debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then
    reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous
    of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and
    delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short
    bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My
    gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war.

    SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for
    a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling
    across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking
    (I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're
    starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite,
    even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken,
    she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made
    herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an
    Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks
    so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this
    special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken
    into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the
    sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some
    pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two
    huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it
    with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm,
    she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some
    strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a
    silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup
    because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four
    cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough,
    however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black
    oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other
    two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make
    her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all
    soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She
    adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame
    seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers
    in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a
    little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the
    edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the
    soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is
    to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost
    immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced
    water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them
    over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen
    mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already
    half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I
    guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to
    make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid
    of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid...

    We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo
    steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is
    a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick
    for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here,
    but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to
    work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall
    quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to
    show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her
    going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel
    buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl?
    She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring
    the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that
    nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd
    say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see
    is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as
    "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of
    your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and
    tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are
    precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a
    dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food
    and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to
    believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on
    Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ
    pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to
    simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out
    of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to
    double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough,
    whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls
    one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out.
    Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up
    stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to
    be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into
    the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by
    stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her
    with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15
    seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting
    like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the
    wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the
    center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it
    closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that
    they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line
    the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're
    making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams
    them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going
    to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and
    pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put
    the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones?
    She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a
    debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in
    an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy
    wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a
    Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with
    beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw!

    We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us
    that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal,
    adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us
    to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small
    enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While
    it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and
    slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling
    sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring
    the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She
    strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water.
    She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of
    that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds
    some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms.
    After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the
    sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and
    red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely
    steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service"
    with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones. She
    tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of cabbage
    leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown lump in
    the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to commercial.

    We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the
    "Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You Sigh"
    (you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for her
    party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and crushed
    almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an
    almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them into a
    red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her
    tablescape.

    She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and
    black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most dramatic
    colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE in"
    with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice her
    table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with no
    food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for
    dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how excited
    she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going to
    give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a piece
    of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly shilling
    some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls, and red
    chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line with a
    drink in hand.

    --
    WARNING!!!
    Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in
    your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no
    liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or
    being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up
    either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.
     
    Tags:


  2. Budd Tugley

    Budd Tugley Guest

    >pork bowel buns (what?)

    I don't want to eat anything made from pork bowels. I assume you
    meant "bowl." And that's how she pronounced it. ;-D
     
  3. terri

    terri Guest

    pork bowels,yes,she really means what she said

    brilliant commentary,keep it coming.
     
  4. mike

    mike Guest

    In article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
    wrote:

    >She tells us this is going to be a very special day because her "friend",
    >"You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics line, so she's going to have a
    >girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food.


    I've heard of Yue-Sai Kan and remember that show she had called Looking East,
    but how do you know that is the same Yue-Sai that SL was talking about? Or that
    SL actually knows her? Weird. But still, even if these two are fast friends and
    the woman showed up at SL's house moments after the taping ended, if you were
    friends with a famous Chinese celebrity and she was eating at your house, would
    you serve her seasoning-packet-stirfry and buns made from whack-a-dough? I'm
    thinking not.
     
  5. In article <[email protected]>, [email protected]
    wrote:

    >I've heard of Yue-Sai Kan and remember that show she had called Looking East,
    >but how do you know that is the same Yue-Sai that SL was talking about? Or
    >that SL actually knows her? Weird. But still, even if these two are fast
    >friends and the woman showed up at SL's house moments after the taping ended,
    >if you were friends with a famous Chinese celebrity and she was eating at
    >your house, would you serve her seasoning-packet-stirfry and buns made from
    >whack-a-dough? I'm thinking not.


    None of us would, but I'm guessing our Sandy would do it with pride.
     
  6. Ubiquitous

    Ubiquitous Guest

    In article <[email protected]>,
    [email protected] wrote:

    >>pork bowel buns (what?)

    >
    > I don't want to eat anything made from pork bowels. I assume you
    >meant "bowl." And that's how she pronounced it. ;-D


    Odds are even that she was slurring her words. Again.

    --
    WARNING!!!
    Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
    standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
    assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
    "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
    where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss
    Lee.
     
  7. Ubiquitous

    Ubiquitous Guest

    [email protected] wrote:

    >pork bowels,yes,she really means what she said
    >
    >brilliant commentary,keep it coming.


    Thanks!

    --
    WARNING!!!
    Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
    standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
    assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
    "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
    where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss
    Lee.
     
  8. AC

    AC Guest


    > >>pork bowel buns (what?)


    chitterlings are basically pork bowels
     
  9. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    Ubiquitous wrote:

    > In article <[email protected]>,
    > [email protected] wrote:
    >
    >
    >>>pork bowel buns (what?)

    >>
    >> I don't want to eat anything made from pork bowels. I assume you
    >>meant "bowl." And that's how she pronounced it. ;-D

    >
    >
    > Odds are even that she was slurring her words. Again.
    >


    "Oink, oink, my good man!" (Rusty Griswald after asked by his parents if
    he's been drinking when they find him a Paris showgirls joint in
    National Lampoon's European Vacation)
     
  10. aem

    aem Guest

    Budd Tugley wrote:
    > >pork bowel buns (what?)

    >
    > I don't want to eat anything made from pork bowels. I assume you
    > meant "bowl." And that's how she pronounced it. ;-D


    No, she was very likely trying to say "pork bao". Pronounced as in
    bow-wow. Meaning the steamed bread dumplings that they fill with
    savory things, most famously cha siu, or Chinese style bbq pork. -aem
     
  11. Ubiquitous

    Ubiquitous Guest

    In article <[email protected]>, [email protected] wrote:

    >> >>pork bowel buns (what?)

    >
    >chitterlings are basically pork bowels


    I am sure that was merely an occidental coincidence on her part.

    --
    WARNING!!!
    Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
    standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
    assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
    the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
    sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of
    Miss Lee.
     
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