SLop enters wearing a stereotypical tight red Chinese dress with chopsticks in her hair carrying a red vase with some jasmine in it. Oh great, I can tell this is going to be off to a great start. She tells us this is going to be a very special day because her "friend", "You Sigh" is coming out with a new cosmetics line, so she's going to have a girl's get-togther with terrific Chinese food. Yeah, terrific is a very apt word for anything SLop cooks, but I wonder why she's making such a fuss over her neighborhood Avon lady, and I wonder if she's married to Long Duck Wong or Sum Yung Gui? She looks around and tells us "this is what my house looks like right before a party" (too bad NO ONE EVER SHOWS UP AT THEM), but it looks more like she just hosted a house full of drunken debauchery and just rolled the last of her guests out the front door. SLop then reminds us that the star is not just You Sigh, it's her menu. How magnanimous of her. She gushes about her wonton soup, pork bowel buns (what?), "rich and delicious" (when ISN'T it?) stir fried beef, and almond cookies. With a short bow, she exits stage left off to the kitchen as the opening credits roll. My gawd, I hope they don't see this show in China; this could mean war. SLop enters the kitchen from stage left, which confuses the heck out of me for a sec but then I realize she must have staggered around a bit before stumbling across the kitchen and tells us this episode is all about GREAT Chinese cooking (I doubt it). She puts some oil into a pan, which sizzles loudly. We're starting with wonton soup first because it's her imaginary friend's favorite, even more than sweet and sour, whatever that is. As she slices some chicken, she repeats that she's excited about YS's new cosmetic line and how SLop made herself all up for her and the other guests. Who the hell gets made up for an Avon demonstration? I do wish SLop would watch what's she's doing as she speaks so she doesn't lose a finger. She repeats about how she's going to make this special, but for gawd's sake, it's only an Avon party. She puts the chicken into a pot to cook which starts to sizzle very loudly. Trying to speak over the sound of the cooking meat, she makes the filling for the wontons by taking some pre-ground chicken (pork works too), adding a package of onion soup mix and two huge tablespoons of sesame oil and oyster sauce, then starts trying to stir it with the SAME SPOON and decides to get something more suitable -- a fork! Hmmm, she has yet to wash her hands at this point. She adds some strangely-brown-colored garlic from a jar to the filling and returns to a silent pot of cooking chicken. She tells us she wants to finish the soup because the girls are due to arrive any minute now (yeah, right) and adds four cans of chicken stock she pilfered from Rachel Ray's pantry. Oddly enough, however, two are red and two are black (I guess to match her red and black oriental decor) and she only pours two of them into the pan and then the other two mysteriously vanish from the counter. SLop confides that she likes to make her soup at home because by the time she gets them home, the wontons are all soggy! I don't sppse that's because that's how it's COOKED, is it? Moron. She adds some low sodium soy sauce (how ironic) and a huge tablespoon of sesame seed oil and that weird brown garlic. SLop tells us to get the wonton wrappers in the refrigeration or Asian section at the grocery store and shows us a little trick: use water to seal the edges of the wonton. She then folds the edges over like a tortelini and puts it on a red plate. She announces that the soup is boiling and tells us how complicated and intimidating Chinese food is to make as she dumps them into the heavily boiling soup, where they almost immediately disintegrate into little pieces. SLop then strains some pre-sliced water chestnuts and "baboo shoots" into a strainer instead of decanting them over the sink and adds them to the soup, followed by half a package of frozen mixed vegetables. At this point, I have to add that she is using an already half-used bag. Anyhow, she recommends mushrooms, carrots, and snap peas, but I guess anything goes. Before we go to commercial, she tells us she's going to make beef stir fry and pork "bowel buns" that are so simple you won't be afraid of them. Believe me, that is NOT why I am afraid... We return from commercial with SLop entering stage right holding a bamboo steamer with a red pot holder. Dumb ass. She tells us that a bamboo steamer is a kitchen essential for Chinese cooking and tells us she has a fantastic trick for keeping food from sticking to it. Perhaps I am going out on a limb here, but wouldn't a wok be essential for cooking Chinese food? Anyhow, she starts to work on the bowel buns with a trick: use some BBQ pork from those strip mall quickie fast food Chinese places! Oh gawd! She lifts up a bowl to the camera to show us and the sound suddenly cuts out on her, followed by a quick jump to her going to the fridge to get more as we fade to a glamour shot of the bowel buns. I wonder what she was saying as she waved her hands around that bowl? She starts the sauce by sauteing some scallions in oil. Whoah! She's stirring the teflon pan with a WOODEN spoon! She adds a big heaping spoonful of that nasty brown jar of garlic and white jar of ginger. If I didn't know better, I'd say she got the two items mixed up. She adds some oyster sauce but all we see is a glamour shot of a decorative jar of it, followed by what she described as "Chinese BBQ sauce", or "Hoison". It also is available in the Asian section of your grocery store, in case you wondered. She takes the take-out BBQ pork and tries to chop it finer. This time she watches her fingers which are precariously close the knife blade as she tells us how she met "You Sigh" at a dinner party and they became fast friends because they both love Chinese food and get together every Sunday night for Chinese food, which I find hard to believe because I seem to recall her telling us she did something else on Sunday nights but I don't particularly care enough to look. She dumps the BBQ pork into the pan and stirs it until it becomes a reddish-brown tarry lump to simmer some more. SLop then tells us about her trick for getting bowel buns out of bread sticks which takes me somewhere very unpleasant. She tells us to double up on the bread dough so you get double layers of bread stick dough, whatever that means. She flattens it out and cuts it into strips, then rolls one into a ball and uses Brycer's toy rolling pin to roll it out. Unfortunately, she has trouble welding the toy rolling pin so she ends up stretching it out by hand, at which point she decides the tar filling need to be thickened with a mixture of corn starch and water. When she dumps it into the pan, it just pools on top of the meat tar so she tries to mix it by stirring it without much luck when we suddenly jump to a medium shot of her with no signs of the slurry in the pan telling us it takes "literally" 15 seconds. I am pretty sure that's not enough to keep the mixture from tasting like corn starch is in it. She then tells us to take a tablespoon but uses the wooden stirring spoon instead, telling us to eyeball it, and puts it in the center of the dough disk and pulls up edges like a hobo sack and twists it closed. She puts it on a tray with some previously made ones and remarks that they are starting to raise now. SLop finally reveals her steamer trick: line the steamer with napa cabbage to keep it from sticking! That way, if you're making dumplings or bowel buns they don't stick to the bowl. Hee! As she crams them into the steamer, she tells us to keep them separate because they're going to rise. To steam the bowl buns, SLop takes a wok with boiling water in it and pops the steamer into the wok, then lids the steamer and tells us not to put the lid onto the wok. Do woks even come with lids, not to mention glass ones? She then tries her wonton soup. She takes the lid off the pot, revealing a debris-filled heavily-boiling liquid, asking "doesn't this look like you're in an authentic Chinese restaurant?" as she ladles the soup with beyond soggy wonton pieces into a red Japanese soup bowl and proceeds to eat it with a Japanese soup spoon. Before we head out to commercials, she threatens us with beef stir fry, almond cookies, and a fantastic tablescape to party by. Yeehaw! We return form commercial to a glamor shot of beef stir fry and SLop telling us that beef stir fry is easy to make at home and essential for an Asian meal, adding you can make it faster and still have a restaurant effect. She tells us to cut up some sirloin into bite size pieces but doesn't make them nearly small enough. She puts some oil into a wok and puts the meat into pan to cook. While it sizzles loudly, she cuts some red pepper by slicing the off the sides and slicing them into thin strips. It is hard to hear her speak over the sizzling sounds of the unattended meat in the wok. She eventually gets back to stirring the meat, which is clearly burnt as she tells us how quickly it cooks up. She strains some water chestnuts and adds a package of stir fry seasoning to water. She removes the burnt meat from the pan and adds a big heaping tablespoon of that brown garlic and ginger, and damn, those spoons are HUGE! She then adds some unspecified frozen vegetables, water chestnuts, and sliced mushrooms. After a couple stirs, she adds the peppers and onions, at which point the sizzling abruptly stops. She puts the meat back and adds some oyster sauce and red pepper flakes. She stirs in water and seasoning packet to the barely steaming wok and puts a pan of lumpy Minute Rice onto a plate "for service" with the stir fry on top. "And now for the bowel...", she ominously tones. She tells us how the bun's not sticking at all, then pulls off a piece of cabbage leaf. She rips one, revealing a pasty brown wad with an immobile brown lump in the center and proceeds to shovel it into her mouth as we go to commercial. We return from commercial break with a "Sandra's Tip" graphic where the "Cocktail Time!" one should be. What gives?!?! She tries to blame "You Sigh" (you remember her, the Avon lady who is now about twenty minutes late for her party) for those famous almond cookies by adding almond extract and crushed almonds to her ubiquitous roll of sugar cookie dough, topping each with an almond. She shows us a small red plate of the cookies and then puts them into a red oriental food take-out container and exits stage left to show us her tablescape. She enters stage left into what appears to be a bunch of models of red and black hot air balloons, telling us that red and black are the most dramatic colors to use when serving Chinese food from "take-out in or take-out MADE in" with this "ain't I clever expression". Whatever. I can't help but notice her table is littered with all sorts of half-full vodka and rum bottles with no food in sight. She blathers about the paper Japanese lanterns she got for dollars each that she spray-painted red and black, then tells us how excited she was to find the balloons and produces some Japanese fans she's going to give out as party favours. She then prattles on about how she covered a piece of plywood with cloth for a dramatic layered effect before briefly shilling some sort of "Oriental place setting kit" containing place mats, bowls, and red chopsticks. She plugs the Food Network site and gives her closing line with a drink in hand. -- WARNING!!! Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget, standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss Lee.