Short and funny one-liners

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by swalia, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. swalia

    swalia Member

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    Let's share some humorous one-liners. Here's one:

    It is so cold outside I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
     
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  2. swalia

    swalia Member

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    When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".
     
  3. CrankyThunder

    CrankyThunder Member

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    The Washington Redskins have announced today that they will be removing the offensive moniker from their nickname!

    "In order to promote honesty, integrity, and American values, we will now be known simply as "The Redskins"".
     
  4. Acheno84

    Acheno84 Member

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    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
     
  5. Acheno84

    Acheno84 Member

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    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
     
  6. FenWoFon

    FenWoFon Member

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    What are the differences between a snowman and a snowwoman?
    The snowballs?
     
  7. swalia

    swalia Member

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    One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
     
  8. swalia

    swalia Member

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    I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
     
  9. swalia

    swalia Member

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    "She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy."

    The women always manage to get their way!!!
     
  10. swalia

    swalia Member

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    Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
     
  11. swalia

    swalia Member

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    For maximum attention, nothing beats a good mistake.
     
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  12. Robert765

    Robert765 New Member

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    Women are like roads. The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
     
  13. Gnufrau

    Gnufrau Active Member

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    I resemble that remark!
     
  14. OursIsTheFury

    OursIsTheFury Member

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    I think it’s pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    Badum tss! Tip your waiters, everyone!
     
  15. cycle93

    cycle93 Member

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    Nice one! I also really like one-liner jokes and those really long and boring ones that everyone hates to listen to.

    My humor is quite unique and like to enjoy the faces I get while telling a really long joke. You don't even need a punchline, because the joke is on them for listening too long.

    Hah, no one gets my humor.
     
  16. swalia

    swalia Member

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    TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
     
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  17. swalia

    swalia Member

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    When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
     
  18. swalia

    swalia Member

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    “The policemen said if I didn't pay my library fine he would have to book me.”
     
  19. swalia

    swalia Member

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    Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
     
  20. swalia

    swalia Member

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    The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between we call the "Friend Zone".
     
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