Short and funny one-liners



Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.
 
"Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"

"So you can all be really sad when I die."
 
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not: Mark Twain
 
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
-
Bob Monkhouse
 
There are people who are a living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.
 
All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of crisps.
 
When you cut out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say.
 
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
 
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or taking **** from some asshole.
 
Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.
 
It is what’s inside that matters - the fridge is a perfect example.
 

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