Short and funny one-liners

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

 

People say money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you had enough money, you can have a key made.

 

Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!

 

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

 

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

 

Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.

 

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

 

Lol. let me add for you...

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

 

Oh man! That last part was unexpected. Lol!

 

Hahaha! I strongly agree with this, swalia. I strongly agree.

 

And we all definitely need cash.

 

In one of my old resumes I've added this in experiences : 'Extensive experience in dealing with a variety of stupid people.'

 

'Home is where I can feel ugly and enjoy it'

 

Hey this trick works ...'if you want to slap someone, just do it and loudly say Mosquito.' haha

 

My Dad keeps on telling me 'to always follow my dreams' when I was a kid 'i keep on going back to bed so I can follow it.'

 

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

 

Jack, Jhonnie and Jim went to an American Whiskey Bar.

They presented their ID's at the door for inspection. One by one their names where called...

'Daniels your in', 'Beam your in'

'Now, Walker your out, we don't serve Scotch !'

 

I keep falling off my mountain bike while waiting for you to call. I can’t handle the suspension.

 

“AN INTELLIGENT MAN IS SOMETIMES FORCED TO BE DRUNK TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FOOLS.”
~ ERNEST HEMINGWAY

 

Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.