Texas Chili...Joke

Discussion in 'Food and nutrition' started by JeanineAlyse, Jul 21, 2005.

  1. JeanineAlyse

    JeanineAlyse Guest

    This has likely been posted here before, but I couldn't resist....

    Texas Chili
    ===========
    If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down
    your cheeks then there may be no hope for you.

    NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
    first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those
    of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
    actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
    It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The
    notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
    visiting Texas from the East Coast:

    Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
    The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
    be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
    Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
    besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
    accepted.

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge # 1 -- A little too
    heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato
    flavor. Very mild Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this
    stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two
    beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
    are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of
    pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs
    more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the
    reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
    pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
    maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my
    face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge # 1 -- Excellent
    firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A bean less
    chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've
    located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
    Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
    Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
    my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost
    no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
    Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge
    # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally was standing
    behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound barmaid is starting to
    look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.
    Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
    impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more
    tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
    I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
    needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
    her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
    bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
    I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
    asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
    vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now like a straight pipe filled with
    gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried
    it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
    except Sally.
    Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
    chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum,
    tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the
    last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
    appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slide unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to
    match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
    me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not
    getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
    the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending,
    this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare
    its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili.
    Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
    # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
    himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
    have reacted to really hot chili.
     
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  2. ~patches~

    ~patches~ Guest

    JeanineAlyse wrote:

    > This has likely been posted here before, but I couldn't resist....
    >
    > Texas Chili
    > ===========
    > If you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down
    >

    <snip>

    I busted myself and then some laughing on this one. Thanks for the
    chuckle.
     
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