The Car Shopper

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership and browses around. Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escapes her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greets her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna s--- when you hear the price."

 

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my tush is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight...