Yeah, well.....
I was asked to tell about my roadkill story. It's a little disturbing so I kinda just eluded to it in another thread. See
http://bikeforums.net/showpost.php?p...1&postcount=21
Anyhow.
It was early in the fall last year and I was riding to work on the shoulder of Metro Parkway, a 55MPH road with a decent shoulder. I'm pedaling along my merry way, being the happy fat man that I am, just whistling and dreaming of eating some cheese cake or something to the sort. I was approaching the traffic light at the intersection of Dodge Park when I heard the distinct sound of an engine slowing down, not the car but the engine, you know how a car sounds when you are driving along at 60MPH and let off the gas, anyhow, and all of a sudden a big white van comes passing by me with a guy hanging out the passenger window, and I mean HANGIN OUT! I could see his butt crack almost! And he yelled something at me. Now that was many months ago and I can not really remember what it was but it was making fun of the way my 300+ pound gluteus maximus engulfed my small saddle... moving on. I'm watching this van go buy and this guy hanging out of it when his hat comes flying off. the van slows down even more... I stop. I pick up the hat and place it on top of my helmet.
now, the van is no more than 50 yards ahead of me and stopped at the light. I'm catching up on them, not pedaling hard because I have this guys hat sitting on top of my helmet and I don't want it to fly off. I finally catch up to the guys, roll along side the passenger window, look in, smile, and continue on my way. Nothing more than that, I just smile and go about my commute. But here is the best part. this is no normal van. It belongs to a "company" and I read the name and remember the phone number. The number was sooo easy to remember. It was almost exactly like my cell phone number with the area code different so all I ahd to do was remember the area code... moving on.
I get to work. I call the phone number. A lady answers. She just says "hello". I say, "oh I'm sorry, I thought I was calling COMPANY NAME". She apologizes for answering so candidly and informs me that COMPANY NAME is run by her husband out of their home and that he has a small office there. I socially engineer some more information out of her, including the address. Here is where my criminally activated mind takes over.
I am who heartedly set on going to this guys house and having some fun with his van... flaming rag in the gas spout kind of fun. Anyone who has read my posts know that I am not a nice person and usually don't care about other people. Having said that I start off on my journey. I get off work early in the fall months, early meaning 3:00AM. So I set off to this guys house to have a little fun. About a mile from my "destination" I hit the carcass of a dog in the road. It was dark and I did not use a light back then because my route home is usually lit, a small flasher is all I used to use... moving on. I almost break my neck when I fall down from hitting this bloody mass of hair and meat. I stand up, kick the dog... ouch! It must have weighed 30lbs, even with its innards removed. Then the idea hit me!!! Oh yeah, I had the perfect plan! Here is where my story gets disturbing.
I scoop up all of the dogs innards and put them back into the body cavity. I know I know, this is sickening and blah blah blah. I don't want to repost the story of my life, but to recap, I'm a farm boy who used to slaughter animals for a living. I hunt and mount my own trophies, and blod and guts do nothing to bother me. It's no different than seeing a steak or ground beef in the supermarket to me...moving on. I stuff all of the innards back into the pooch that I so lovingly have named "rover". I put rover on my rack and tie him in and we go for a ride.
What's that I see up ahead? Oh my oh my, it's my favourite van. I sneak onto this guys property. All the lights are out. Ooooh baby, time to have some fun. I take the screwdriver out of my toolbag so that I can pop the window quietly to gain access to the van. Alarms be damned!! But what is this?? The van is unlocked!! Oh joy oh joy. Thank you Odin!!
I open the door to the van.... no alarm... this is better than I had thought! I untied rover, he was just sitting there like such a good boy. I hated to have to part with him. I sat him in the drivers seat. And just to make sure he was safe I buckeled him in. Such a good doggie, sitting there all nicely, with his paws on the stearing wheel. I pulled the sunglasses from the visor and put them on rover so that the morning sun doesn't blind him. I quietly shut the door and get ready to leave. Oh yeah!! I have that guys hat!! And..... you guessed it.
Rover looked so cute with his sunglasses and hat, sitting there all buckeled in like he was ready for Daytona!
I get back on my bike and ride home. Park my bike, go in, take a shower, hit the sack.
I wake up around noon to go clean my bike off. oops! Rover left one of his paws there. I should have returned it but I don't think he'll miss it.
Two days later I read about a "disgusting act of vandilism" in the county paper.
This is my story of revenge. I'm not a nice person, but then again I never claimed to be.
Please, let's hear some of your worst or best!!
Oh, and please don't condem me. My wife did that enough when I started laughing my butt off after reading the paper and told her the story.