As part of an irregular series, the TANs favourite social commentator and lifestyle guru, classic1, will be providing tips on surviving the coronavirus apocalypse. Here is part 1.
Toilet paper shortages. Avoid the hassle of not being able to get dunny paper by stealing all the printed signs that state "customers limited to one item only". Most modern A4 paper is matt finish, so smearage should not be an issue. As a second option, the price tags on the shelves will also work as TP. Don't flush them though as they will block the sewerage. I've been burning mine in the backyard. Not recommended for balconies in small units with illegal cladding that is not fire retardant.
Social distancing. We've all had to put up with dickheads who want to stand too close to you at the checkout. Mostly Asians from my personal experience. Not that I'm racist or anything. This is socially unacceptable, unless of course they have big tits or are trying to give you toilet paper or alcohol. Avoid this issue by NOT WASHING OR CHANGING YOUR CLOTHES. I've found that I have increased the government's social distancing recommendation from 1.5m to 4m by following this simple bit of advice.
Flour shortages. Who ****ing cares? I only use flour for when I'm crumbing chicken schnitzel and I made tortillas once. Once. 1kg of flour should last 8 years at this rate. What are all these dickheads doing with all that flour? It's not like they are gonna start making bread all of a sudden. I reckon half of them are making paste and eating it. ****wits.
Rich ****s not self isolating .
Rich ****s have been spreading corona cooties after OS trips, cruises, attending liberal party functions (or the polo, same thing) or moving from the nearest capital to your region to hide out at their second homes. They also hoard all the toilet paper and flour. Solve this problem by killing and eating them. Note that 180c in the oven for 2 hours should be enough to ensure all viruses are non viable. Just be sure to wear a mask and wash properly before and after butchery.