Top ten ways to look like a better cyclist than you are! :)



Find and identify a route ridden by slow or leisure cyclists. Purchase a full world champions kit (or get somebody to sew the rainbow stripes onto your socks). Get the Fi'zi:k arione rainbow stripes saddle, repaint your bike. Just make sure everything is white with the rainbow stripes and then find the slow groupand tank it past them. Make sure you have somebody riding in the "Team" car, which says "World Champion" on the bonnet and the bumpers. Have somebody on a motorcycle with a friend riding pillion and taking photographs. For the whole hog, hire a helicopter to fly overhead.
 
birdman23 said:
Awesome to see this thread starting up again! I love this thread.

Hey Birdman! We need to get this thread running like it did in the Summer. I only found it last week but it is by far the most entertaining on the site.
 
Let's start this thread again.


Here is one way:

SHow up at a ride, pull out your phone and pretend that your are calling Lance, then pretend you are talking to him and say " Sorry Lance, but I am about to go on a ride so I can't go to the team meeting".
 
Save up all of your nearly dead tires over the course of a few years. Show up at several consecutive group rides with a different set of tires on the bike that is nearly gone. As the tires start to shred you can gleefully make comments like, "You know, these used to last for A LOT more than a 1000 miles a week!" or "Naw, it wasn't the milage this time. It was the SPEED!" or maybe, "Did you know taking a 6 mile long hill at 30mph can WRECK your tire!?"
 
Sprint up to the L.B.S. on a crowded Saturday (make sure lots of people are in the store). Run in with a flat front. Ask them how fast they can change it. Tell them you're on a solo break away and you need it done before the chase group catches you. After they fix it, run back outside and ride off as fast as you can....
 
1. clean your bike completely, then ride through a puddle to get some serious roadie spatter.

2. wear the team issue kit from an invite only amateur team, you can pick one up used on ebay. if you do not already have one.

3.be reasonably trim, if not quite, do wear xl jersey, the flapping conceals...

4. have scuffed up shoes.

5. this years shades.

6. you can have people you encounter make excuses regarding your pace for you if you add how far you are out. this can be embellished.

7. do never resort to a camelbk.

8. have sponsor stickers on the fork blades.

9. if you can hang ok, still do remark, i am cooked, mind if i tag along?

10. take a pull on the downhill, only to keep it slow.



Feanor said:
Ok, on the last club ride I went on (which I rarely do) I had alot of fun because on long flat sections we would talk endlessly about a variety of subjects... one of them that got started was a spinoff of a discussion about wearing pro-team jersey's when you weren't on a pro team...

So, three of us went up and down the line of cyclists asking for there favorite ways to "pose" and here is the top ten list... feel free to add others! It was a hilarious ride and there were ALOT of suggestions for this verbal "thread" but the one's that stuck in my mind are:


10) After drinking from your water bottle, give it a serious toss off to the side of the road. No matter how fast you;re going, you'll seem a lot more of a "serious" cyclist...

9) Insert a small whistle in one of the vents of your helmet, that way, when you pass someone going 7mph and you're going 12mph it will sound like you are going 30...

8) Gel your hair back in a highspeed windswept look, so even slow, you'll look fast...

7) Wear a kneebrace as a reasonable excuse for why you're not pounding out a 30mph pace...

6) Always ride against traffic because head-on you'll always appear to be going much faster than you are

5) Always ride downhill

4) Always use a disk wheel, they look fast even standing still

3) Pull off to the side of the road near another group of resting cyclists and fiddle with your HRM as though you rolled over its 99hr max time recording.

2) Use a double chainring all the time and just avoid all the places where you can't cut it without having a triple...

and the number way to Pose?

1) slap some pro cycling stickers on your Audi station wagon family car, and have your wife pace you as you ride up and down the main road.
 
Greatest thread ever!

I actually used to do this in races as well as group rides:

When the hill gets hard and everybody is huffing and puffing and straining, grab a bottle, sit up hands off the bars and ride past people while having a leisurly drink.

I ****** a lot of people off! But man I could climb back then!
 
Telegram Sam said:
I got it today Birdman...I was on my normal Sunday ride with my wife- 20 miles through the wine country here in Sonoma County California. We got a flat (I got a flat) and we were held back for about 15 minutes while I *****ed and then changed my tube...only to be overtaken by the Vineman Triathalon. This ride was of course riddled with guys and gals who kick my butt, and many with disk wheels (nothing sounds cooler when it passes you at about 55 mph). Anyway, I got sick of waiting for the field of about 2000, so I just joined in. I was cheered and offered many Clif bars and Gatorade, which I did not take, I can however say at this point that I rode in a triathalon. I didn't take the gatorade...not realizing that ten minutes up the road would be my chance to fling the bottle (who cleans all that up?).
I clean that up, I race and volunteer in triathalons. I am glad that you enjoyed it.

Pete
 
This thread is great. I still love the first waterbottle-toss that was posted. I'm still laughing now. I've been tempted to do that a few times when riding past some ladies, just to look like I'm the real deal lol.
 
This is the best thread on the whole forum.

I haven't read all of it yet, I'll need a couple of hours.

As with Cambo, the water bottle toss is the best.

Thanks for the laughs. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
 
Someone mentioned tanning in your bike kit...I had a friend who bragged and bragged about his spring break training trip, especially after the weather in Florida (where all of our friends were going for spring break) was predicted to be rainy. He went on and on about how great his tan would be and how great the weather would be, etc. Well the weather was crappy, so he went to a tanning place and tanned in his kit! He had a great bike tan...but hadn't earned it.
 
My sweetest moment was about 17 years ago - I was 55 at the time.

I'd been over to Mike Perry's "Wielersport" lightweight shop at Bognor (Sussex, U.K.) for a coffee, a training doughnut and a new saddle, and was going back to Worthing - about 16 miles.

As I was going East out of Bognor, two Hell's Cherubs on "trail bikes" (look like scrambling machines, nobbly tyres, big clearances, make a lot of noise but totally gutless) barged out of a side turning in front of me.

I easily chipped onto the back wheel of the second one, and once out of the urban area, they opened it up to about 38 m.p.h., flat out, sitting well forward with their nuts rattling on the fuel tank.

For the next 5 miles or so, I had a comfortable and effortless ride on 52 x 13 and neither lad knew I was there - they didn't look behind once!

Eventually, where the road rises slightly to bridge the river Arun, they slowed, and my pacemaker started to turn to look behind him.

This was my cue. I moved out of the tow and swept past, beaming at him and calling out out "this wind makes it a bit hard, doesn't it?"

His face was a picture. Imagine, you and your mate have been hammering along on your Noddy bikes, grabbing another big handful of throttle every 100 yards or so, then some old fart comes swishing past on a push bike.

Only happens once in a lifetime, sadly.
:eek:
John
 
John Knees said:
My sweetest moment was about 17 years ago - I was 55 at the time.

I'd been over to Mike Perry's "Wielersport" lightweight shop at Bognor (Sussex, U.K.) for a coffee, a training doughnut and a new saddle, and was going back to Worthing - about 16 miles.

As I was going East out of Bognor, two Hell's Cherubs on "trail bikes" (look like scrambling machines, nobbly tyres, big clearances, make a lot of noise but totally gutless) barged out of a side turning in front of me.

I easily chipped onto the back wheel of the second one, and once out of the urban area, they opened it up to about 38 m.p.h., flat out, sitting well forward with their nuts rattling on the fuel tank.

For the next 5 miles or so, I had a comfortable and effortless ride on 52 x 13 and neither lad knew I was there - they didn't look behind once!

Eventually, where the road rises slightly to bridge the river Arun, they slowed, and my pacemaker started to turn to look behind him.

This was my cue. I moved out of the tow and swept past, beaming at him and calling out out "this wind makes it a bit hard, doesn't it?"

His face was a picture. Imagine, you and your mate have been hammering along on your Noddy bikes, grabbing another big handful of throttle every 100 yards or so, then some old fart comes swishing past on a push bike.

Only happens once in a lifetime, sadly.
:eek:
John

Oh man I can hardly breath I am laughing so hard. I am just imagining the bug eyed look and the dropped jaw. :eek:

I am going to be giggling about this for days! :D
 
Dominic Sansom said:
Here's a couple more:

1. Carry a (brand name) helmet strapped to your briefcase, laptop bag, hand bag, backpack every where you go.

2. Wear your cycling glasses all the time, on the top of your head (preferably M Frames or Rudys - make sure the have clear, red, orange or blue lenses), like you don't know they are there.
Hahahahaha! Classic.
biggrin.gif
My girlfriend always makes fun of me because I forget to take my clear lens Tifosi glasses off! They just sit there at 9pm at night on top of my head!
 
Send threatening letters to the president that way secret service will follow you around and everyone will think you have federal bodyguards while you ride and that you are someone of importance.

Yes I know some of you already do send letters, but sign them this time.
 
Get some coloured tyres! Yellow or Red are always good!

The uninitiated think they are something very special, even if they are only rubino pros....