Top ten ways to look like a better cyclist than you are! :)

Discussion in 'The Bike Cafe' started by Feanor, Jul 27, 2004.

  1. ::dom::

    ::dom:: New Member

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    Find a group that rides well below your average. Hire a fat suit (or stuff a pillow up your jersey). Drop them on the first hill and wait at the top eating the last bite of a Big Mac (you only bring a small piece) out of a McD's paper bag.

    Wait for them to ride past and repeat at the next hill.
     


  2. TrekDedicated

    TrekDedicated New Member

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    le bump..


    I miss this topic. It's been awhile.
     
  3. waxbytes

    waxbytes New Member

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    Have someone following you in a car shouting over and over--

    :cool: Venga! Venga! Venga!:cool:
     
  4. wyllisx2

    wyllisx2 New Member

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    I can't believe that it took me this long to read this thread. It is undoubtedly the funniest thread I have ever had the pleasure to read.

    Here's one for the end of a ride when it's getting dark out.
    Tape a couple of bottle rockets to back of your frame & light them just as you hit the beggining of your street. As soon as they start sparking light the fuse of the smoke bomb you have attached to the brake calipers. Then full out sprint down your street until the sparks stop. Hit your brakes hard & try to leave a skid mark. walk the rest of the way home with your brakes still smoking.
     
  5. ::dom::

    ::dom:: New Member

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    Good to see this thread resurface. I was re-reading some of the posts... hilarious!

    Cut disks (that resemble deep rims) out of cardboard, paint them black and weave them through your spokes. When you're moving it'll look like you've got an expensive wheelset... just don't stop.
     
  6. 3speedfan

    3speedfan New Member

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    Donimic Sansom,

    That's funny:)

    Ride Campy Record or Shimano Dura-Ace, then turn up your nose and say "hummph" when you ride by another cyclist with a "lesser" group. Just make sure they see you look down at deraillers first.
     
  7. birdman23

    birdman23 New Member

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    Awesome to see this thread starting up again! I love this thread.
     
  8. birdman23

    birdman23 New Member

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    When going out for a local spin make sure to don a fullsize backpack stuffed with newspaper (To give the appearance of being loaded to the gills). Then when overtaking another cyclist pull up to the side and say, "Hey how's it going? Could you tell me what state I am in?" Whatever their response is respond with the following, "Damn, I better hustle if I am going to make it to (Next bordering state) by nightfall!" Then stand up and sprint until you are out of view.

    This works especially well in the western U.S. where the states are a lot larger.
     
  9. jhuskey

    jhuskey Moderator

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    OK ,I can start up again. For the guys, for the next week.
    Tie a big red bow around yourself with a team jersey that reads.
    Santa's greatest gift to the world of cycling and women.
     
  10. maarten

    maarten New Member

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    Borrow Cyling kit from the girlfriend.

    She got a jacket saying Belgian National Cycling Team and lots of other things like that.

    Note: (the Girlfriend is a multiple national champion(the kit is genuine) and came 7th and 13th at worlds once)
     
  11. Telegram Sam

    Telegram Sam New Member

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    I just put on my wifes gear and I look like hell (what is this chami supposed to protact?) ...I think you'd better get a new plan, wearing girls clothes will NOT make you look better


    Here's one- Set up an autograph table at the local bike shop
     
  12. Johnny O-R

    Johnny O-R New Member

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    Remove a testicle - subtle admittedly. but effective...
     
  13. Johnny O-R

    Johnny O-R New Member

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    Alternatively, have all the fat liposuctioned from your face for the 'vampire' look.

    Top it off by pepper-spraying your eyes for the extra bloodshot effect...


    /I'll go get my coat...
     
  14. Cyclist14

    Cyclist14 New Member

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    Before a group ride bring your repair stand, put your bike on it and complain that you will have to replace your Campagnolo Record 10 Carbon rear derailluer because it shifted .507 seconds to slow.
     
  15. DarrylZ

    DarrylZ New Member

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    So glad to see this post start up again had some really good laughs last time.

    Here are a few,
    next time at your weekend club ride, arrive a little earlier and set up your indoor trainer in the parking lot, and spend 45 minutes warming up before the clubs easy out ride.

    Then on the ride if you puncture, and one of the club members pulls over to help, ripe out your wheel throw it to the side and grab the wheel from the club members bike and put on your bike, all the while in a great hurry and cursing as you proceed.
    (might however be a good idea to make sure that the donating bicycles owner does'nt resemble any kind of WWF wrestler of sorts).

    Keep them coming.

    D :D
     
  16. birdman23

    birdman23 New Member

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    Photoshop a picture of yourself in with pictures of all the best riders in the Peloton i.e. Lance, Jan, Basso, etc. After you finish the pictures send them to yourself in personalized Christmas cards :p

    Example: "Hey bud Merry Christmas and by the way thanks for the training tips. My quads are still burning from that climb you led me up. I'll send my jet over to bring you out to Austin for the Christmas party. -Lance"
     
  17. jhuskey

    jhuskey Moderator

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    Place a fake scraper blade on your bike as if out of public safety concerns you are clearing snow from the roads. You can put a fake salt spreader behind for the final touch.
     
  18. maarten

    maarten New Member

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    Your wife ain't a member of the national team I suppose?? The trainers and jackets are unisex by the way. I would never wear her cycling shorts, I am a sprinter I got way bigger legs than her :)
     
  19. mksalazar

    mksalazar New Member

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    go to a park or any other type of relaxed public bike route.

    whenever you pass somebody, get into full sprint position and have a huge grimmace on your face and let out a really loud scream as you pass them
     
  20. John Knees

    John Knees New Member

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    One Saturday when I was in my mid 50s, I'd been over to Mike Perry's shop at Bognor (these days you probably know him better as "Wielersport").

    On my way back East a couple of L-plated Hell's Cherubs on trail bikes barged out of a side turning in front of me.

    I managed to chip on to the wheel of the rearmost rider, and settled down to rolling my 52 x 13 (didn't often get onto the big ring during pleasure rides!) while the cherub's nuts rattled away on his fuel tank.

    On the way my tow-man kept taking renewed fistfuls of throttle, looking for power that just wasn't there.

    Worryingly, these kids had no mirrors, and they were so poorly trained that neither took a safety look behind him for the next 7 or so miles. They slowed slightly as we hit the slight rise towards the bridge over the river Arun: that was my cue - I sprinted past my mini-Derny, grinned at him, and shouted "This wind makes it a bit tough, doesn't it!"

    The kid's face was a picture.

    I expect these days he tools around on a big Kawasaki and has kids of his own, but I bet he never tells them of the day when this old fart bombed past him on a push-bike.

    Nostalgia just ain't what it used to be.:)
     
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