Top ten ways to look like a better cyclist than you are! :)

[ejglows]

Shave EVERYTHING...when the significant other asks when the lawn mower got loose, claim that your skin suit no longer gives you the `edge`...

 

[TrekDedicated]

Attach aerobars to your desk and when you want to sleep/relax just grab 'em. People will think you are 'perfecting' your position.

 

[jhuskey]

Another one. Have chain marks tatooed on your calves.

 

[birdman23]

You get CARPAL TUNNEL from your SADDLE???

Isn't that a different tunnel?

LMBO! Daaammmnnn that sounds painful!

I love this thread!!

 

[TrekDedicated]

Put banners with distance markings on your street. Then having the finish line banner right over your drive way's entrance.

People would know you were serious then! HA!

 

[birdman23]

Build a launching ramp in your driveway like they use in the tour. Have your wife hold your bike upright so you can start off clipped in. Have one of your kids stand by the side with an airhorn to signal your start.

This tactic is most effective when neighbors are out and about thus maximizing your exposure.

 

[TrekDedicated]

Just thought I would put all of them in one post, just to save people some time....(Work is slow today, I'm bored)

10) After drinking from your water bottle, give it a serious toss off to the side of the road. No matter how fast you;re going, you'll seem a lot more of a "serious" cyclist...

9) Insert a small whistle in one of the vents of your helmet, that way, when you pass someone going 7mph and you're going 12mph it will sound like you are going 30...

8) Gel your hair back in a highspeed windswept look, so even slow, you'll look fast...

7) Wear a kneebrace as a reasonable excuse for why you're not pounding out a 30mph pace...

6) Always ride against traffic because head-on you'll always appear to be going much faster than you are

5) Always ride downhill

4) Always use a disk wheel, they look fast even standing still

3) Pull off to the side of the road near another group of resting cyclists and fiddle with your HRM as though you rolled over its 99hr max time recording.

2) Use a double chainring all the time and just avoid all the places where you can't cut it without having a triple...

and the number way to Pose?

1) slap some pro cycling stickers on your Audi station wagon family car, and have your wife pace you as you ride up and down the main road.

what i've noticed is, if u cycle and over take someone and shout something along the lines of "come on guys, keep up" or you say something motivational, they'll try stick with you and pop out some questions about "how long you been cycling" "how many argus's have you done" etc etc etc and i guess wearing my "south africa" cycling cloths also kinda helps in making other cyclists think i'm some hectic cyclist (which i want to be... eventually)

While cycling, wear your cellphone hand-free unit. Make sure the cord and mic are visible. Then, blast past a pack of other cyclists on a full sprint. When you burn out, pull over to the side quickly, and as they pass, put your hand up to your earpiece and say, "Where the hell are you guys? Well come on, I'm not going to wait for you forever".

Ride with a hot chick. No one will care what kind of a cyclist you look like.

How about going into a full aero tuck as you roll out of your driveway.

Hire neighborhood kids to line up along your favorite route. Supply them with cowbells, magaphones, obnoxious costumes, and country flags. Teach them how to say "Allez insert your name here", or "Venga insert name here"

Also supply them with lots of paint and tell them it is ok to grafitti the streets! Except don't show them how to paint large phalluse. Ha ha.

Skinsuit-to the grocery store....

Standing in your driveway in full Postal Kit (or the like) with your electic shaver shaving your legs....

learning to drive in your cycling shoes...so you look like your always just out of the saddle

Leave an empty syringe or two lying around your house.

Find a group of twelve year olds in you community and volunteer to take them on a ride. Plan the route carefully so as to include a good hill. When you get to the hill turn around and give them the Lance "look" and then drop the little suckers. Make sure this is a road with lots of traffic to ensure many will see your riding prowess.

Have a friend you can smoke wear a Lance Armstrong Mask and yellow jersey as you drop him through your subdivision. Your wife or girlfriend ,whichever the case may be, can be waiting at the next stop sign with a Cheryl Crowe mask on as she hugs you in victory. Complicated but effective.

My favorite trick to annoy the bike trail blue train is to sit there and ride along next to one of them on my 30lb steel mtn-turn-commuter bike and talk to them. "wow nice bike..."etc. etc. it works especially well when you can just motor right along for a serious distance (without getting too bored) just chatting away like your sitting in the coffee shop.


As far as more ways to pose.... use the wife's make up to fake healing road rash.

How about you and a cycling buddy stopping in front of a cafe or coffee shop or similar place where there are alot of people hanging out or having lunch and then pulling out a map and saying loudly (while looking lost)

"Ok, its been 40 miles and I haven't seen the junction yet... they said it was right around here..."

"No, they said that the junction was the 3/4 point we still have 20 miles to the turn then its another 90 miles before the hills..."

"Oh, yeah ok I see it now, ok, but keep the pace below 27 ok? I need legs for the ascent and at 90 more miles that puts me right near the threshold..."

"Pansy! we'll take a breather before the ascent, but its only 8%"

"Ohhh! I thought it was 10%! ok never mind we'll ride straight thru, I have an extra powerbar on me..."

"let's do it"

"cool"

Take a ceramics class and make your own "Blue Punch Bowl" trophy. Forge a card from Lance that says "Hey bud, I don't have enough room for six of these. why don't you hang on to this for me. Lance"

Mess with the tire size setting on your bike computer. Your max and average speeds will greatly improve and you can brag about this to all of your buddies. WARNING: This technique must only be used if you are willing to cycle alone for the rest of your life or at least until you can actually maintain the "real" speed. Otherwise you will surely be defrauded.

Replace the brake, clutch, accelerator pedals in your car with clipless pedals to show all your friends how fast you can clip out.

For your next club ride: Have a friend stand by the roadside about half way through the route with a musette. Be careful not to get to close as you grab the bag though. Remember that one Lance? Ouch.

Wear your cycling kit in the tanning salon. This will assure you of the most killer cycling tan even if you only ride once a month. Make sure you let other people see the tan lines as it is sure to strike up a conversation and you can thus profess your skills.

Tell everyone who will listen how dificult it is to walk WITHOUT cleats.

A friend of mine took his Nashbar Mtn Bike, stripped it down to bare metal. Then painted it matte black and put Ellsworth on it with cheap gothic font press on lettering. It looks great..... Now You too can have any brand bike you cant afford for the price of a couple of stickers.

Learn how to pee without getting off the bike. Make sure you do this every time you ride. People will look at you and say, "Man that guy is dedicated to training!" Either that or...umm...they will call the cops on you.

also with proper target practice you can get rid of inconsiderate motorists using this same technique.

1. Carry a (brand name) helmet strapped to your briefcase, laptop bag, hand bag, backpack every where you go.

2. Wear your cycling glasses all the time, on the top of your head (preferably M Frames or Rudys - make sure the have clear, red, orange or blue lenses), like you don't know they are there.

sewing pockets into the back of your normal clothes and carrying around a Co2 pump and patch kit at all times...maybe even a powerbar or two...wouldnt want to EVER run out of fuel..

Easy. Ride with slow people!

Carry a load of wheels on your cars' roof and cover your car in Sponsor stickers. Always drink water out of a biddon.... even in restaurants.....

When out cycling.... stick fake bugs on your teeth and glasses and smile at the slow guys as you pass them....

Style your hair to look like 'helmet head', if people ask, just say you you've ridden so much your hair grows that way..

Take this wonderful new product with you everywhere you go. Replace your chair at the office, sporting events, restaurants, etc. Tell people you just can't sit on anything else.

I will be taking custom orders. You specify your choice of saddles and choice of tripod material. Available in carbon, steel, aluminum, and titanium. Prices start at $5,000 US. A true bargain for a work of art like this

On your next group ride have a couple of buddies follow you in a car. At some point in the ride fake a flat raising your arm and looking back. Pull to the side of the road where your 'team car' will pull up along side. Then have the passenger jump out with a spare wheel, changing it in the blink of an eye followed by pushing you back up to speed. You can then toss one of your bottles so they can pull up beside you handing you another with the typical long handshake as they give you a push down the road.

Strap a large salami to your leg (20inches or so) and then put on your Lycra shorts. (It won't work on the outside) .Then make comments how your performance drugs are having an unexpected side effect.And yes I know what you are thinking.Why such a small salami?

Shave your head, don't put suntan lotion on top, get that wonderful helmet vent tan, tell everyone who asks that the suntan lotion only works for 2 hours of your six hour training rides.

Two words;

Quad Implants !!

Depending on wear you work, wear your cyling spandex under your suit/skirt. However, make sure your shirt is unbuttoned just enough to show your jersey. When you sit down, cross your legs, and show off your cycling socks with pride!

if someone asks about why your butt/crotch looks 'bigger' and suggests you are wearing Depends, you better say it's your chamois (sp?).

Shave EVERYTHING...when the significant other asks when the lawn mower got loose, claim that your skin suit no longer gives you the `edge`...

Attach aerobars to your desk and when you want to sleep/relax just grab 'em. People will think you are 'perfecting' your position.

Have chain marks tatooed on your calves.

Put banners with distance markings on your street. Then having the finish line banner right over your drive way's entrance.

People would know you were serious then! HA!

Build a launching ramp in your driveway like they use in the tour. Have your wife hold your bike upright so you can start off clipped in. Have one of your kids stand by the side with an airhorn to signal your start.

This tactic is most effective when neighbors are out and about thus maximizing your exposure.

take your trainer even to a club ride and do a "long" warmup beforehand where everyone can see you.

Shriek in terror when the server brings out the dessert tray. Tell the server to get that away from you before it screws up your entire training/diet regime.

Whoa, that's done. Not every single post was quoted, but the main jokes were. ENJOY.

back to work???

 

[swerwer]

take your trainer even to a club ride and do a "long" warmup beforehand where everyone can see you.

 

[birdman23]

take your trainer even to a club ride and do a "long" warmup beforehand where everyone can see you.

One of the best ones yet. Thanks swerwer, I am still giggling!

 

[birdman23]

Use this one the next time you go to dinner with friends:

Shriek in terror when the server brings out the dessert tray. Tell the server to get that away from you before it screws up your entire training/diet regime.

 

[birdman23]

Install cleats on ALL of your shoes.

 

[Salsa Rider]

Install cleats on ALL of your shoes.

Now *that* is funny!

 

[TrekDedicated]

Well, when I go back to school, this thread and the 'why bikes are better than women' thread, are being printed and going up on my wall. These laughs will keep my from going insane!

 

[jhuskey]

Ok just got off the bike, consider this. Pull a Macies parade sized balloon behind you shaped and painted like a large peleton of riders. You can choose who to have painted on it.

 

[birdman23]

Ok just got off the bike, consider this. Pull a Macies parade sized balloon behind you shaped and painted like a large peleton of riders. You can choose who to have painted on it.

That is hysterical! This just keeps getting better and better

 

[TrekDedicated]

Get your picture with someone that looks like the devil from the Tour de France and post it in your office or where ever your friends will see it.

(Even though most people wouldn't understand who that is) BUT STILL!

 

[Feanor]

Have a group of people at the side of the road wrapped in German flags curse and spit on you as you rode by...

If you weren't fast to begin with, at least it would make you a little faster...

 

[Feanor]

Ooh! how could anyone have missed this one!

Go out and ride in the driving rain...

make sure you make many stops at food marts and such to maximize the "ooh!" factor of anyone who might be out shopping...

 

[birdman23]

Ooh! how could anyone have missed this one!

Go out and ride in the driving rain...

make sure you make many stops at food marts and such to maximize the "ooh!" factor of anyone who might be out shopping...

That's a good one! Add sleet, snow, hail, blistering heat, the dark of night...wait this is starting to sound like an ad for the freaking post office!

 

[TrekDedicated]

Dip your lips in salt/sugar/ or something so it looks like you've been working so hard (ie LA during that time trial), that the sweat is evaporating and leaving the residue.