Truths

Discussion in 'The Bike Cafe' started by EnigManiac, Mar 29, 2005.

  1. EnigManiac

    EnigManiac New Member

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    Facts I know to be true. After 25 years of commuting with cars, public transit and bicycle, I have observed certain universal and unchanging facts that are undeniable, at least in my experience. These are just a few of them:

    Turn signals are expensive after-market options for expensive BMW and Mercedes-Benz models that most wealthy owners cannot seem to afford.

    Young men who have spent the time and money to add performance-enhancing mufflers to Chevy Cavaliers are no doubt owners of their third penis-enlarger and will swear that, after six years of use, they are beginning to see results.

    The correct and accepted manner of inching forward in bumper-to-bumper traffic is to lurch forward with an aggressive tire-spin and slam on the brakes with a squeal three feet later.

    Smart Cars fit entirely within bike lanes and owners will soon start to petition to use bike lanes simply because they can.

    The greatest risk to fathering future children is short, stocky Chinese, Italian and Portuguese women with eight to ten bulging plastic shopping bags determined to get on the bus first even though they are at the back of the pack.

    The solid white line separating bike lanes from motor-vehicle lanes that is supposed to deny cars the option of using actually becomes a dotted line when there is someone in front of them making a left turn.

    Right-hand mirrors are the most useless and least used feature on a car.

    Motorists cannot understand why cyclists are not fined and forced to pay for the repair when the cyclist had the temerity to collide with their suddenly opened door and startle them.

    Concientious and mature cyclists (of all ages) are even more perturbed than motorists and pedestrians when they see other cyclists barreling down sidewalks, flying through red lights and stop signs, zipping down roads at night while wearing dark clothing and neglecting lights and reflectors.

    The most compelling mystery is what happened to all those people who abandoned their bikes at lock-rings.

    Almost every motorist is, in fact, practicing for the next Indy-car or Champ-car race, just on the off-chance they are asked to fill in for one of the regular drivers. And that's why they were driving so fast down the 25mph road, officer.
     
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  2. insung

    insung New Member

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    That was a hilarious post. You forgot to mention that driving a Hummer (or any other large monster truck) makes up for a small penis and gives you the ability to drive and park like a complete jack-ass.
     
  3. martin_j001

    martin_j001 New Member

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    GREAT post....LOL :D :D
     
  4. jhuskey

    jhuskey Moderator

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    You also forgot that all drivers are the "Quintessential Center of All Existence" and their generous nature has allowed you to co-exist in their universe..... so get the hell out thier way before the generosity wanes and you are swept into oblivion by their terrible and awesome powers.... pesant!
    After all you are nothing and they are all that is!
     
  5. artmichalek

    artmichalek New Member

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    I saw a bright yellow H2 parked on the street the other day with both right side tires up on the curb. Probably the most off road that stupid thing is ever going to get.
     
  6. EnigManiac

    EnigManiac New Member

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    Well, remember, I said these are only SOME of my observations. I didn't want to make the post too long. ;)
     
  7. EnigManiac

    EnigManiac New Member

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    Here are a few more:

    Pedestrians are struck with medically-baffling sensory loss, causing sudden and temporary blindness, deafness and directional confusion at the precise moment a bicycle approaches from behind and that explains why they step directly onto the road in the cyclists path but would not do so if the vehicle was a car. The WHO is studying the phenomenon.

    No matter how many years a cyclist commutes and rides for leisure, they all hate going uphill. Come on, admit it, you do...don't lie. Effortless speed is what is secretly and not-so-secretly craved.

    Every male cyclist has accidentally crushed his testicles at least a few times while riding and those remarkably sobering experiences have inspired sudden renewed belief in God.

    Female cyclists actually choose routes with rumble strips.

    Cyclists who occassionally drive feel guilty that they're annoyed by those damned cyclists who don't ride exactly like they do or are slowing them down.

    We all chuckle, even if it's silently, when we see parking control officers ticketing illegally parked cars, but most especially when we're locking up to the ring-post beside them.

    Even super light-weight bikes seem to weigh a hundred pounds after five beers.

    Cyclists with all the latest racing gear: helmet, shirt, vest and intimately-revealing lycra shorts all scowl at guys riding cruisers and choppers while thinking 'don't they know how ridiculous they look?'

    Reformed smokers who have become avid cyclists feel the craving for a cigarette most just as they're parking and every one of them thinks, even just for a minute 'I earned one.'

    No matter how hard you ride in city traffic to get ahead of that bus blowing noxious exhaust in your face, it will somehow manage to pass you ten more times, but when you are riding the bus it will crawl along at 7 miles an hour while every cyclist flies past him.

    You one day realize you've been carrying a portable tire pump on your bike for five years and never used it once while commuting.

    That's enough for now....;)
     
  8. artmichalek

    artmichalek New Member

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    Yelling "On your left!" when coming up behind a pedestrian/jogger/roller blader will make them instinctively step/jump/swerve to their left.
     
  9. baj32161

    baj32161 New Member

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    You guys are killing me...keep it up!!!
     
  10. tayvens

    tayvens New Member

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    Traffic lights know to change from red to green 5 seconds after you have clicked out of your pedal.
     
  11. jhuskey

    jhuskey Moderator

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    [Female cyclists actually choose routes with rumble strips.

    Why is that?

    Anyway... to a motorist a cyclist is lower than the sweat that drips off a dead skunk testicles and more likely to be run over.

    The only difference between a rabid ,foaming at the mouth,pissed off pit bull and a female in a mini-van on her cell phone, late getting her kiddies to school........... "LIPSTICK"
     
  12. fatbottomedgirl

    fatbottomedgirl New Member

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    ... and driving a Cadillac escalade gives you the ability to handle the wheel via telekinesis, freeing your hands up to hold your coffee and your cell phone (which came with handsfree headset included in the box)
     
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