Two exercise programs for men ;-)

Discussion in 'Food and nutrition' started by Laura, Jan 26, 2004.

  1. Laura

    Laura Guest

    Two exercise programs for men ;-) (these were too good not to post)
    ********************************************************************
    Dear Diary...

    For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
    local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
    team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
    herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife
    seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

    The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................

    Monday:

    Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at
    the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
    hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
    machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.

    She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra
    aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after
    my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
    already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

    This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

    Tuesday:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My
    legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made
    it all worthwhile.

    I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

    Wednesday:

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back
    and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't
    try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
    me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early
    in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
    when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
    invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
    help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

    Thursday:

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
    pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to
    tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
    in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -
    which I sank.

    Friday:

    I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
    history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
    could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
    the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
    (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)
    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
    someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    Saturday:

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
    not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
    lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
    Weather Channel.

    Sunday:

    ****************************************************************************
    ** A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he
    wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he came across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED
    WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

    "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" He thought to himself. But desperate he calls them up and subscribes to
    the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program. There next day there's a knock at his door, and when he
    answers, there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old girl dressed in nothing but a
    pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
    catch me you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
    huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

    After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
    business!" The same girl shows up for the next 2 days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day,
    he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.

    The next day he calls the company and orders their 5 day/ 20 pound program. The next day there is a
    knock on the door and there stands

    ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
    reads "If you catch me you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.

    This girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does its worth every
    cramp and wheeze. For the next 4 days the same routine happens, much to his delight, on the 5th day
    , he weigh himself and finds he has lost another 20 pounds, as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program. " Are you
    sure?" ask the representative on the phone. " This is our most rigorous program." " Absolutely " he
    replies, " I haven't felt this good in years."

    The next day there's a knock on his door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing
    there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, " If I catch
    You, Your mine."
     
    Tags:


  2. Connie

    Connie Guest

    Very very funny!!

    Connie

    Laura wrote:
    > Two exercise programs for men ;-) (these were too good not to post)
    > ********************************************************************
    > Dear Diary...
    >
    > For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at
    > the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
    > football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
    >
    > Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
    > herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
    > wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
    >
    > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................
    >
    > Monday:
    >
    > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived
    > at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with
    > blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
    > me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
    >
    > She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra
    > aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
    > after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
    > gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
    >
    > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    >
    > Tuesday:
    >
    > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    >
    > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it!
    > My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
    > made it all worthwhile.
    >
    > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
    >
    > Wednesday:
    >
    > The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
    > back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
    > didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
    > impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little
    > too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
    > annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
    > the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
    > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
    >
    > Thursday:
    >
    > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
    > pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to
    > tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
    > in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -
    > which I sank.
    >
    > Friday:
    >
    > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
    > history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
    > could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
    >
    > Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
    > the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
    > (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
    > from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
    > have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    >
    > Saturday:
    >
    > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
    > not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
    > lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
    > Weather Channel.
    >
    > Sunday:
    >
    > ****************************************************************************
    > ** A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he
    > wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he came across an ad in the newspaper for a
    > GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
    >
    > "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" He thought to himself. But desperate he calls them up and subscribes to
    > the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program. There next day there's a knock at his door, and when he
    > answers, there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old girl dressed in nothing but a
    > pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
    >
    > She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
    > catch me you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
    > huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
    >
    > After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
    > business!" The same girl shows up for the next 2 days and the same thing happens. On the fourth
    > day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
    >
    > The next day he calls the company and orders their 5 day/ 20 pound program. The next day there is
    > a knock on the door and there stands

    > ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
    > reads "If you catch me you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.
    >
    > This girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does its worth
    > every cramp and wheeze. For the next 4 days the same routine happens, much to his delight, on the
    > 5th day , he weigh himself and finds he has lost another 20 pounds, as promised.
    >
    > He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program. " Are you
    > sure?" ask the representative on the phone. " This is our most rigorous program." " Absolutely "
    > he replies, " I haven't felt this good in years."
    >
    > The next day there's a knock on his door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing
    > there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, " If I catch
    > You, Your mine."
    >

    --

    Cheers,

    Connie Walsh

    241.5/208.5/155 RAFL 210.5/208.5/198.5
     
  3. Linda J

    Linda J Guest

    Thank you, Laura, I'm still laughing;-)

    Linda
    252/189.4/145 RAFL Start: 190 Goal: 175
     
  4. Too funny, Lee
    Laura <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:[email protected]...
    > Two exercise programs for men ;-) (these were too good not to post)
    > ********************************************************************
    > Dear Diary...
    >
    > For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at
    > the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
    > football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
    >
    > Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
    > herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
    > wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
    >
    > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................
    >
    > Monday:
    >
    > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived
    > at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with
    > blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
    > me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
    >
    > She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra
    > aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
    > after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
    > gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
    >
    > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    >
    > Tuesday:
    >
    > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    >
    > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it!
    > My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
    > made it all worthwhile.
    >
    > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
    >
    > Wednesday:
    >
    > The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
    > back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
    > didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
    > impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little
    > too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
    > annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
    > the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
    > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
    >
    > Thursday:
    >
    > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
    > pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to
    > tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
    > in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -
    > which I sank.
    >
    > Friday:
    >
    > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
    > history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
    > could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
    >
    > Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
    > the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
    > (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude
    > from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it
    > have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    >
    > Saturday:
    >
    > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
    > not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
    > lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
    > Weather Channel.
    >
    > Sunday:
    >
    >
    ****************************************************************************
    > ** A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he
    > wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he came across an ad in the newspaper for a
    > GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
    >
    > "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" He thought to himself. But desperate he calls them up and subscribes to
    > the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program. There next day there's a knock at his door, and when he
    > answers, there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old girl dressed in nothing but a
    > pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
    >
    > She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
    > catch me you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
    > huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
    >
    > After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
    > business!" The same girl shows up for the next 2 days and the same thing happens. On the fourth
    > day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
    >
    > The next day he calls the company and orders their 5 day/ 20 pound program. The next day there is
    > a knock on the door and there stands

    > ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
    > reads "If you catch me you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.
    >
    > This girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does its worth
    > every cramp and wheeze. For the next 4 days the same routine happens, much to his delight, on the
    > 5th day , he weigh himself and finds he has lost another 20 pounds, as promised.
    >
    > He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program. " Are you
    > sure?" ask the representative on the phone. " This is our most rigorous program." " Absolutely "
    > he replies, " I haven't felt this good in years."
    >
    > The next day there's a knock on his door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing
    > there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, " If I catch
    > You, Your mine."
     
  5. Michelle Guy

    Michelle Guy Guest

    Thanks for the great laugh, I knew the first one but not the second. Michelle Ozzie in Switzerland

    WW WI 69.8 / 64.8 / 61kg 134 lbs

    On Tue, 20 Jan 2004 00:43:42 GMT, "Laura" <[email protected]> wrote:

    >Two exercise programs for men ;-) (these were too good not to post)
    >********************************************************************
    >Dear Diary...
    >
    >For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
    >local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football
    >team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
    >
    >Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
    >herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife
    >seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
    >
    >The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................
    >
    >Monday:
    >
    >Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at
    >the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond
    >hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
    >machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
    >
    >She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra
    >aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after
    >my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
    >already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
    >
    >This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    >
    >Tuesday:
    >
    >I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    >
    >Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it!
    >My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
    >made it all worthwhile.
    >
    >I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
    >
    >Wednesday:
    >
    >The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
    >back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
    >didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
    >impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
    >perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
    >annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
    >the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
    >Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
    >
    >Thursday:
    >
    >Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
    >pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to
    >tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
    >in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -
    >which I sank.
    >
    >Friday:
    >
    >I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
    >history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
    >could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
    >
    >Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in
    >the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
    >(Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.)
    >The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
    >been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    >
    >Saturday:
    >
    >Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
    >not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
    >lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
    >Weather Channel.
    >
    >Sunday:
    >
    >****************************************************************************
    >** A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he
    >wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he came across an ad in the newspaper for a
    >GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
    >
    >"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" He thought to himself. But desperate he calls them up and subscribes to
    >the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program. There next day there's a knock at his door, and when he
    >answers, there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old girl dressed in nothing but a
    >pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
    >
    >She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
    >catch me you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
    >huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
    >
    >After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
    >business!" The same girl shows up for the next 2 days and the same thing happens. On the fourth
    >day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
    >
    >The next day he calls the company and orders their 5 day/ 20 pound program. The next day there is a
    >knock on the door and there stands

    >ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
    >reads "If you catch me you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.
    >
    >This girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does its worth every
    >cramp and wheeze. For the next 4 days the same routine happens, much to his delight, on the 5th day
    >, he weigh himself and finds he has lost another 20 pounds, as promised.
    >
    >He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program. " Are you
    >sure?" ask the representative on the phone. " This is our most rigorous program." " Absolutely " he
    >replies, " I haven't felt this good in years."
    >
    >The next day there's a knock on his door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing
    >there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, " If I catch
    >You, Your mine."
     
  6. Ray Miller

    Ray Miller Guest

    On Tue, 20 Jan 2004 00:43:42 GMT, "Laura" <[email protected]>
    wrote:

    >Two exercise programs for men ;-)

    You have no idea how true these are. Well the first one anyway.

    Thanks for the laugh :)

    Ray
    --
    rmnsuk overall - 273/205/182
     
  7. Laura

    Laura Guest

    That's what I thought too.

    "Connie" <[email protected]_primus.ca> wrote in message news:[email protected]_primus.ca...
    > Very very funny!!
    >
    > Connie
    >
    > Laura wrote:
    > > Two exercise programs for men ;-) (these were too good not to post)
    > > ********************************************************************
    > > Dear Diary...
    > >
    > > For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at
    > > the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
    > > football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
    > >
    > > Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
    > > herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My
    > > wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
    > >
    > > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.................
    > >
    > > Monday:
    > >
    > > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived
    > > at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with
    > > blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
    > > me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
    > >
    > > She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
    > > Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
    > > class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
    > > although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
    > >
    > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    > >
    > > Tuesday:
    > >
    > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    > >
    > > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on
    > > it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding
    > > smile made it all worthwhile.
    > >
    > > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
    > >
    > > Wednesday:
    > >
    > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth
    > > back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
    > > didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
    > > impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little
    > > too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
    > > annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why
    > > the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
    > > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
    > >
    > > Thursday:
    > >
    > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
    > > pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to
    > > tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
    > > hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
    > > machine - which I sank.
    > >
    > > Friday:
    > >
    > > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the
    > > history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body
    > > I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
    > >
    > > Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents
    > > in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a
    > > sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum
    > > laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
    > > couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    > >
    > > Saturday:
    > >
    > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did
    > > not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
    > > I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
    > > the Weather Channel.
    > >
    > > Sunday:
    > >
    > >
    ****************************************************************************
    > > ** A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 pounds due to very serious health risks. As he
    > > wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he came across an ad in the newspaper for a
    > > GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
    > >
    > > "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" He thought to himself. But desperate he calls them up and subscribes
    > > to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program. There next day there's a knock at his door, and when
    > > he answers, there before him stands a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old girl dressed in nothing
    > > but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
    > >
    > > She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you
    > > can catch me you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles
    > > later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
    > >
    > > After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does
    > > business!" The same girl shows up for the next 2 days and the same thing happens. On the fourth
    > > day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
    > >
    > > The next day he calls the company and orders their 5 day/ 20 pound program. The next day there
    > > is a knock on the door and there
    stands

    > > ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
    > > reads "If you catch me you can have me." He's out the door after her like a shot.
    > >
    > > This girl is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does its worth
    > > every cramp and wheeze. For the next 4 days the same routine happens, much to his delight, on
    > > the 5th day , he weigh himself and finds he has lost another 20 pounds, as promised.
    > >
    > > He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/50 pound program. " Are you
    > > sure?" ask the representative on the phone. " This is our most rigorous program." " Absolutely "
    > > he replies,
    "
    > > I haven't felt this good in years."
    > >
    > > The next day there's a knock on his door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing
    > > there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, " If I catch
    > > You, Your mine."
    > >
    >
    >
    >
    > --
    >
    > Cheers,
    >
    > Connie Walsh
    >
    > 241.5/208.5/155 RAFL 210.5/208.5/198.5
     
  8. Laura

    Laura Guest

    These are keepers.

    "Linda J" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]
    1902.public.rogers.webtv.net...
    > Thank you, Laura, I'm still laughing;-)
    >
    > Linda
    > 252/189.4/145 RAFL Start: 190 Goal: 175
     
  9. Laura

    Laura Guest

    I was thinking about you and the other ray when I posted them. Glad you enjoyed them. We all need
    laughs once in awhile. It's good for the soul.

    "ray miller" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:p[email protected]...
    > On Tue, 20 Jan 2004 00:43:42 GMT, "Laura" <[email protected]> wrote:
    >
    > >Two exercise programs for men ;-)
    >
    > You have no idea how true these are. Well the first one anyway.
    >
    > Thanks for the laugh :)
    >
    > Ray
    > --
    > rmnsuk overall - 273/205/182
     
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