I was fortunate to trade a couple PM's with ric on this subject yesterday regarding the "once guilty, always guilty" sentiment. I agree with ric on the sentiment even as painful as it may be to me personally. I went on to tell him that I personally invite the sting as a reminder to me why I do not want to go back on that path again. I accept what I did was wrong and now I also penalize myself from further competition in any sport because the penalty is a reminder of why I do not want to return to my old view points.
Dare I say that thousands of athletes at the pro and amatuer level are using something to gain an edge. I know because I have been involved, I know the obsession (that almost destroyed my life and my freedom), I know the mindset and the drive to cross that line of legalilty. So I know that many others are in the same denial and have not confronted the truth to their own souls. On one side they condemn the use, but they still drop seeds of their tainted glory days. It is in that where there is risk to the innocent who may look up to that individual. That is why I have banned myself from consulting others about 6 years ago.
There is potential for me to let something slip from my tongue to someone who is impressionable and who inspires to advance in sport. It may be a comment that I may not even notice myself, but a young eager ear may pick up. A slight seed that is dropped into the heart of that athelete. That athlete who may say to him or herself, "He did this and won many times and now look at him he is doing okay. There was no penalty only wins and glory." That is why I put a ban on myself and yet I still have those young impressionable atheletes still coming to me asking questions though the number has drastically reduced each year. I have found contentment in the penalty to hide in away training early mornings and blend into a club ride with a group that does not know my past nor do I glorify wrong in front of them. Nor would I come on this website and make contradicting comments and if I do I hope the administrators correct me quickly or even consider banning me from dropping seeds to impressionable minds. Seeds like revealing my use and condemning it and then to also put up a link showing where to get information on how to use if you are going to use.
No, I hope not to be self righteous sounding, but to be very careful with every statement made knowing that many are here at various ages that have been frustrated with not advancing in training. That do not take much more than a slight seed to be convinced to use. There are many on forums that are foolish to boast about using and justifying their actions. I used to do the same. I tried to justify why I used, but the truth eventually caught up to me by a life that eventually led into destruction. These people do not see the potential harm that can come to them. Do I have physical illnesses from 10 straight years of using. Not any that are present by eye or physical exam, but the harm that came to me and to others came in other forms and I restrain at the moment from revealing those things. In my past I won almost everything I entered and yet where is the glory now. Where is the glory for Landis right now? I know a former WWE professional wrestler that will tell you the same. The guy a few years ago was worth millions and now he is in poverty. He lives in the truth now like me and has been humbled greatly like me. His life was nearly destroyed, he spent some time in prison and now does not have a dime to his name. Yet people on forums continue to boast as if no harm can be done or that PED's can be used with regulated doses. No they cannot. Things get out control and are out of control. I would hope that these indivuals check their hearts and ask themselves if they will be responsible with their speech to the impressionable at all times. Me, no I am human and I make mistakes. Therefore, I have banned myself from future competitions and from consulting others. It is the ongoing penalty that I painfully but joyfully embrace for making foolish decisions earlier in life because I never want my heart to embrace those days again. All of my trophies are now hidden away in a dark corner of the house and I am blessed and content knowing that my current training is solid, challenging and clean. I am not asking others to do the same, but to consider the responsibility of the onlooking impressionable eyes and ears.
... That's about all I'm good for!
