Your Horoscope

Discussion in 'Jokes' started by Chris_L, Mar 7, 2003.

  1. Chris_L

    Chris_L New Member

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    ARIES
    You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a f*ck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

    TAURUS
    Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of p!ss.

    GEMINI
    Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real f*cking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

    CANCER
    You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

    LEO
    The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

    VIRGO
    You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullsh!tting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

    LIBRA
    You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an @sshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

    SCORPIO
    You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

    SAGITTARIUS
    You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

    CAPRICORN
    You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered c**t and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

    AQUARIUS
    You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

    PISCES
    You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.
     
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  2. RalleighOke

    RalleighOke New Member

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    NOOOOO!!! I cannot be murdered, there is so much money still to be made.....I need to get a bodyguard.....Where's that Damn Cell Phone??

    :D
     
  3. Chris_L

    Chris_L New Member

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    I'm Libra, I think I got off lightly. :D
     
  4. steve

    steve Administrator
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    I'm a sagittarius, where are my dutch gurls? :rolleyes:

    cheers!
     
  5. Vo2

    Vo2 Member

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    Another Libran here. I don't really care who's at my funeral anyway.
     
  6. Lazy legs

    Lazy legs New Member

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    The only time I don't wear underwear is when I'm cycling!!! :D

    The rest - no comment. :p
     
  7. Elduderino

    Elduderino New Member

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    "I like small animals!" (Scorpio)
     
  8. Mouse Potato

    Mouse Potato New Member

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    What's wrong with being an unscrupulous bastard anyway? :confused:
     
  9. Spin baby

    Spin baby New Member

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    <I>VIRGO
    and the majority of Virgo women are *****s.</I>

    Let's see.... 5 letters across.....

    Gotta be... Lovers. ; )
     
  10. JuneBug

    JuneBug New Member

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    AQUARIUS
    You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.


    this is really sad as I am sitting here with a cat in my lap. :O
    someone needs to make horoscopes for Bikers.

    Dont bike with a libra today because they will push you into a tree. something like that.

    Hey. that's not a bad idea. Biker Horoscopes.

    you know. Lance is a vIrgo.
    :eek:
     
  11. Spin baby

    Spin baby New Member

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    Yes. Born Sept 18. But he is definately not queer as he has wife Kristin, son Luke and twin daughters Grace and Isabelle .
     
  12. Spin baby

    Spin baby New Member

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  13. Uyague

    Uyague New Member

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    Hello guys i have horoscope for Gemini

    Gemini you are going through rough patch in love relationship and this is the time to decide your next move. You may find your life becoming hell for you but this is not the end.You are capable of making your own decisions. Your every step counts now. This is the right time to use your wit and win back your world. Little joking around can refresh your mood. Learn more about Gemini at Zodiac signs
     
  14. alienator

    alienator Well-Known Member

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    Aren't "using your wit" and reading horoscopes conflicting ideas?
     
  15. jacquelynnqa61

    jacquelynnqa61 New Member

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    "Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights" wow what an imagination/img/vbsmilies/smilies/biggrin.gif
     
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