Every day in Britain tens of thousands die needlessly for
want of a simple medical treatment: aspirin. The benefits of
aspirin are well known: in a study funded by the independent
Bayer Dogystatistichesinstitut, and reported in the New
England Journal of Medicine, it was found that a daily dose
of aspirin reduced incidence of heart attacks by 85%.
Scurrilous rumours have been circulated that this was
arrived at by comparing a case group of geriatric smokers
with a control group made up of twenty-year-olds, but
nothing could be further from the truth. The controls were
aged 21-25.
Accordingly, I will be bringing a Bill before Parliament to
make it an offence to cause or permit any person over the
age of 40 to fail to take at least one aspirin per day.
I know that the benefits can be realised because the Aspirin
Promotion Initiative Trust (APIT) have conducted extensive
trials in Reading, funded by the Department of Health, and
assure me that there have been "significant" reductions in
heart attacks. The study finished three years ago and has
been extended to a number of other areas, so some actual
figures should be available any day now. TV vet Arma
Celebritygetmeouttahere says: "I support this Bill entirely.
Aspirin is a vital ingredient in health; I am so confident
that the policy is right that I am marketing my own range of
aspirin with added oxygen. All dead people are found to have
a lack of oxygen in the brain, so this additional safety
feature will further enhance the massive protective effect
of the aspirin itself."
Anti-aspirin campaigners have said that this will be
unenforceable because it will be impossible to decide who is
responsible for an individual forty-year-old. This is errant
nonsense. In the case of parents, it is the children's job.
For other people it might be their doctor, geriatric nurse,
prison warder, pharmacist, bus driver or the woman they met
at a party last week. The Police, having nothing better to
do, will track down and prosecute for attempted murder any
person who fails to ensure people get their aspirin
(needless to say they will only do so when appropriate). Or
it may not be necessary to enforce it at all: I have a
letter here from a Mrs Kray stating that if only there had
been an aspirin law, she would have been able to force her
sons Ronnie and Reggie to take their aspirin. As it was they
merely broke the pharmacist's legs. Both have now died of
heart attacks.
This is an idea whose time has come. Western Australia led
the way, with their law being passed in 1994. New Zealand
followed in 1996, some US states and Canada have followed
suit. Although these laws have not resulted in reductions in
heart attacks, we are confident that it is simply because
people are taking the aspirin wrongly.
100% of people who die suffer from an arrested heart, and
aspirin, correctly taken, prevents 85% of heart attacks, so
this Bill will save over half a million lives every year.
The Department of Health has opposed this Bill - but they
would, woudln't they? After all, if people stop dying,
they'll be out of a job!
I know you will support this Bill. Otherwise you are a
granny murdering [censored] in tweed.
Eric Martlew, MP