The following is from the classical music group. It's to the tune of "I am the very model of a
modern major general" from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates of Penzance," in case you want to
sing along.
Somebody named Paul O'Neill wrote the following (with apologies to
W.S. Gilbert) and posted it at rec.music.opera. I found it on alt.rec.bicycles.recumbent.
"I am the very model of a Newsgroup Personality I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted to, On all the countless newsgroups that my
drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling, And you're the one who pays the
bill downloading all my drivelling. My enemies are numerous, and no one would be blaming you For
thinking me a [censored] after I've been rudely flaming you.
I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it). I wouldn't know a valid point if I was
introduced to it. My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia, Designed to fan my ego,
which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery, Are really just an exercise in
unremitting trollery. I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity, The
gibberings of one who's at the limit of his sanity.
If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to; If only mum could find a circus freak-show
she could sell me to; If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery; If I lose all my fingers
in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to forty, which is somewhat problematical; If what I post was more mature, or slightly
more grammatical; If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate; Would I still be the
loathsome and objectionable prat you hate?
But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face, It's simply isn't safe for
normal people here in cyberspace. To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity Would be a
fitting punishment for my egocentricity.
I always have the last word; so, with utmost finality, That's all from me, the model of a Newsgroup
Personality".
Guy
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May contain traces of irony. Contents liable to settle after posting.
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