Newsflash! More Roole Allegations!

Discussion in 'Road Cycling' started by stevebaby, Sep 16, 2006.

  1. stevebaby

    stevebaby New Member

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    NEWSFLASH FROM FECKSNEWS!

    In a sport wracked by controversy and doping allegations,the latest press release by WADA (World Anti-Decapitation Agency) must come as a body-blow.It has been alleged that the current leader of the Vuelta a Espana,HelmutRoole,has been systematically decapitating his opponents.Witnesses have made statements to the Spanish Gardia Civil that Roole had been seen to pull the head off Bobke in Stage 20 of the Vuelta!

    It was feared that Roole had bonked in the early part of Stage 20,as he was seen to fall far behind the rest of the peleton and appeared to be struggling to keep up with the back-markers,of whom Bobke was one.Roole then launched a blistering attack which gave him the stage win and overall lead.

    Rumours about decapitation have plagued Roole throughout his stellar rise to the top,following a successful career in the Church Bowling League, which lies in ruins after most of the top players were convicted of "deviant and unnatural acts". It has also been alleged that Roole is connected with the sinister Dr. Sun Yat-Sen and his Shang-Hai Biotechnology Company which is reputed to be manufacturing HGH from the removed heads.

    Spanish police are playing their cards close to their chests as the investigation continues.Capitan Fuentes,who is leading the investigation,would only say "Dose cyclists...Dey so zany,y'know.Dey all on draargs or sumtink?".

    FECKSNEWS caught up with Martin Jackson,Roole's former manager who left TeamRoole in mysterious and some say,acrimonious circumstances. Jackson was willing to go on the record with the following comments.
    FECKSNEWS: Well,Martin...How they hangin' and what the fuck's happenin' here,dude?
    JACKSON: Let me just say this...in this instance,Roole appears to be innocent.Bobke's head had grown to the size of a large punkin and from the way it had been wobblin' for the past few weeks,it was just a matter of time before it fell off of its own accord. But I know Roole well...and he's ruthless.I wouldn't put it past him to take advantage of Bobke's misfortune. Jesus Christ..you should see his Swiss mansion! It looks like friggin' Jeffery Darmer's icebox!

    Lance Armstrong,7 time winner of some French race, also spoke with FECKSNEWS...
    FECKSNEWS: How they..aaah..how's it hangin' Lance? What the fuck's happenin' here dude?
    ARMSTRONG: I never doped.
    FECKSNEWS: Have you heard the latest allegations against Roole?
    ARMSTRONG: I never doped.
    FECKSNEWS: Landis...is he guilty?
    ARMSTRONG: I never doped.
    FECKSNEWS: So,will Roole be on the podium tomorrow?
    ARMSTRONG: I never doped.
    FECKSNEWS: Lance...you've been linked with Roole ever since you rode for TeamRoole as a domestique .Some people are saying that you must bear some of the responsibility for Roole's actions. Do you feel like you have blood on your hands?
    ARMSTRONG: (Pauses)...not on my watch.
    FECKSNEWS: Thanks for the interview Lance.
    ARMSTRONG: I never doped.

    Roole was last seen carrying a bowling ballbag and shepherding two podium girls towards TeamRoole's bus.He was unavailable for comment.His Press Agent,Stevebaby,told us to "Feck off!You dirty feckers" when we asked him to comment.

    WADA's investigation continues.
     
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  2. stevebaby

    stevebaby New Member

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    UPDATE FROM FECKSNEWS!
    Dr. Ferrari, the renowned surgeon,spoke with a FECKSNEWS reporter today.
    FECKSNEWS: How they hangin' dude? Will Bobke make it or should I grab his bike right now?
    FERRARI: Itsa bad news.Da prosthetic head..itsa not gonna take.Itsa reject him.
    Itsa notta good.
    FECKSNEWS:Will he be able to ride tomorrow in the last stage of the Vuelta?
    FERRARI: Wella,I whacka him fulla dope and push him to the start line....maybe lader we try a turnip graft...butta his racing career? Nah...hesa fucked.
    FECKSNEWS: Can I ...aaahh...just have his bike now dude?

    WADA's investigation into the cause of this tragic incident continues.
     
  3. stevebaby

    stevebaby New Member

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    BREAKING NEWS! ROOLE SPEAKS!
    HelmutRoole,the current leader of the Vuelta a Espana,emerged from the TeamRoole bus today on a litter borne by two exhausted podium girls.He gave this exclusive interview to FECKSNEWS...
    FECKSNEWS: How they hangin', Helmut? How do you respond to the allegations of decapitation that have been levelled at you?
    ROOLE: Hey man...Bobke gave me the head! I was bonked,I nearly retired...then Bobke pulled his own head off and handed it to me! Hey...what was I supposed to do? It was a really sporting thing to do y'know? Anyways..it's not like he was usin' it y'know? But all credit to the man...I'll remember his sacrifice every time I look at my new paperweight,y'know?
    FECKSNEWS:And the WADA investigation?
    ROOLE: Fuck'em.I know Lance Armstrong well.I never doped.
    FECKSNEWS: Thank you Helmut.Good luck tomorrow.
    ROOLE: You're welcome.Hey...got any Old English 800 buddy?
     
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